Romance scams

Iam64

Sheesh - this is a forum for older women, most of us are grannies. I wonder how we help our grandchildren negotiate the ups and downs of life at school, without cutting someone off, flouncing, taking umbrage 🙈

Hear, hear Iam!
It’s coming to something when innocuous comments cause any poster to up sticks.

Allira

Who'd have thought Sir Tom Jones needed £500 to get his car mended before he could visit someone in Wales?

😂😂

Iam64

To add, I’m often surprised at offence taken in response to a fairly innocuous comment, but we are all different.

I responded as l did as there was an inference from Rosieandhermaw that she would "not be bullied". I had not bullied her, but to put her mind at rest she can be assured l won't interact with her. Seems quite straightforward to me it's what I'd recommend in the playground - threatened - back off/don't antagonise and I tell my dog to do the same.

Feel free to post at will OldFrill as indeed I intend to do, with or without anybody's say so!

🌞. This is beginning to remind me of the Monty Python sketch on rows where the question was do you want the short argument, or the full half hour

I’ve been out helping my young powerful lab not to roar at perceived threats this morning. He’s a giant softy but a handful if he feels threatened. He’s improving thank goodness

I know you intended it in a light hearted way, Rosie, but what you said,

“Why isn’t it?
 We’ve all lived a good few years, possibly kissed a few frogs whether or not we found a prince,but we’re hardly innocent maidens.
Common sense is just that, surely?

I’ve kissed more than a few frogs but until I met my coercive abuser at age 60 and as someone with I guess as good a sense of common sense as many here did not suspect it could happen to me.

A calculating man, with hidden issues, did win my heart and gradually took over my life

....until finally at 72 I realised I had been stripped bare of friendships, confidence, my hobbies, and yes my wallet:

when extreme things started to happen I had to wake up up and get involved with police and god only knows so many bizarre and bullying events - and him pleading one moment, bullying the next, trying to ge to my solicicitor and claiming I had nt got capacity top try and hold onto me

- I didnt take him to court as I wanted to get the divorce through, but the damage went very deep.

So - common sense isnt enough, and I did find what you wrote as patronising and a bit putting down.

How doyou help the elderly lady who featured on Spam intercepters a while back.
She had been on the phone for 2 hours. The team couldn’t contact her.
She did eventually cut the call because she had to find some information the scammer wanted.
Nick jumped in quick and told her who he was and what was happening.
Her response was oh yes, I watch you every week

Wyllow, I’m not speaking for Rosiesmaw, or anyone else here.

I’m so sorry you discovered the man you were with was a coercive abuser. That isn’t a Romance Scam, it’s believing the false face being presented is genuine. IMO that’s qualitatively different. Different, but similar - I shared the view expressed by parents that our headteacher was a fantastic head and a lovely man. It transpired he was a paedophile. He was charming, seemed so good with our children, the staff group liked and admired him. Our school Outstanding.

We are talking about real live people who earned but broke our trust because it was built on the sinking sand of manipulation and deceit. Yes I know Facebook scammers operate in similar ways but it’s different imo.

FranP

I watch Scam interceptors and subscribe to Which? scams. These folks have an opinion that we are all rich and fair game.

One lady said she had given them just £165 (approx) and they told her she must have some more to "protect" and we heard him getting pretty abusive that she was lying to him. They had called back to try again, when the interceptors got hold. They spoke to the scammer and asked him if he was ashamed, and he actually said that we in the UK could afford it.
I think that the romance scammers think the same, including the ones who actually want to use the relationship to get into the country. How many delusional/fragile/lonely older women are gently and persistently persuaded that this Greek Adonis loves them for themselves rather than their money, their home and their lifestyle? Perhaps if we were more involved in our friends/families/neighbours this might be less likely, do we think?

I think you're right - the "they can afford it" thing. Which obviously:

a. They won't be right re many people.
b. Even if they can = it's our money and being a scammer is not a valid job option just because one is in a poorer country.

It's only on a different - and less individual - scale for a country as a whole (various ones I can think of) trying to say we should pay them "reparations" for goodness sake for what a few of us only have ancestors (not ourselves) doing.

I have a friend (yep...she is a friend - despite some of her views) that is South African and has been living in Britain for decades and she honestly thinks/argues we should pay "reparations" to other countries!

So - some people honestly do - think "They can afford it" (whether we can or can't) - whether individually or as a nation and try to steal it off us. One country has succeeded to date in stealing some of our money - as we saw!!!

I struggle with how some peoples minds work individually - but yep...had what I thought was a friend (living/STILL living literally only a few minutes walk from my home) - so an "in person" thing. But he had to be binned - because I realised he was/is a thief and was telling himself that I could "afford it" for him to steal some off me!!!!! Stupid wotname -as the town has a pretty good grapevine and people now know.....

‘Romance scams’ have existed since the dawn of time. Back in day we just met unscrupulous people in the pub, at work, or any other social gathering. Most of us have been taken for a ride I’m sure ( in varying degrees ) The thing with the online scammers is they deliberately target people who they think will fall for it. It’s a business!
More often than not it’s older women who are targeted. And that’s purely because they’re more likely to live alone, but more importantly, more likely to have money.

But dont these "maxi scams" rely on "believing the false face being presented is genuine?"

Wyllow3

But dont these "maxi scams" rely on "believing the false face being presented is genuine?"

It's the same technique whether it's one person or a business, gain emotional control and coercion follows.

Thank you for telling your experience, I can empathise. I remain in fear 40 years after my relationship with a psychopathic manipulator. Moved hundreds of miles, changed my name, sacrificed every friendship - never stop looking over my shoulder.

I was going to be judgemental about where some of these women (is it always women?) get their money from- however I remember how I was scammed myself a few years ago.

I wasn't lonely-but living with a partner but the relationship was fragile and is now over. Maybe I was looking to connect with someone after the loss of my mum.

I received a message from a young man in Uganda who was trying to set up an orphanage. We exchanged several messages about his work and he seemed very convincing. I sent him nothing because I felt wary about his so called work, but spent a lot of time finding charities that might help etc. I looked up where he said he lived and it all seemed genuine. I liked the idea of helping someone directly without the middle-man.

After a few weeks he wrote saying he was in hospital and was worried about the kids he cared for- he said he had TB. He said he need money for medicine so he could go home to care for the kids.

I looked up the local hospital and thought about paying the money directly to them, but he said it wasn't that hospital.

I sent him £200 because it was all I could afford.

He then seemed to be out of hospital very quickly for someone with TB- he sent photos of himself with the kids and looked very healthy.

I then ignored any more messages from him, but a few weeks later an American woman contacted me to say she had flown out there to help him, but was disgusted to find he was a scammer.
The children were real but he wasn't helping them at all but using them to get money. She had started helping the kids directly and he soon left- no doubt to find more needy kids he could exploit.
I am writing all this to say we shouldn't really judge these people too harshly. These criminals are immoral and will do anything to obtain money from trusting individuals.
Yes, people should be careful with what they do with their money. I lost £200 of mine but learned a very valuable lesson.

www.facebook.com/watch/?v=605338132552896

Please watch this......
86-year-old Janet was caring for her husband when she received a call from someone claiming to be in the Police Fraud Squad who convinced her that the only way to protect her £43K life savings was to purchase two Rolex watches, which were later collected by courier. Janet began to doubt the exchange and called 999 - only

to discover she’d fallen victim to a scam, she shares her story.

This is on itv This Morning. I should have said.

OldFrill

Wyllow3

But dont these "maxi scams" rely on "believing the false face being presented is genuine?"

It's the same technique whether it's one person or a business, gain emotional control and coercion follows.

Thank you for telling your experience, I can empathise. I remain in fear 40 years after my relationship with a psychopathic manipulator. Moved hundreds of miles, changed my name, sacrificed every friendship - never stop looking over my shoulder.

The more its spoken about it, the better.

The better for young women growing up knowing the possibility,

the better for those trapped in these marriages to realise they are not alone,

the better we can put on police an other authorities to really accept these crimes and put resources into them,

the better its accepted , no, one is not making it all up,

the better one realises how good some men (and of course, sometimes women) are at concealing initial characters and understand the dynamics of control and manipulation

OldFrill: well done, it sounds like you got it far worse, when I went to the police 3 years ago coercive abuse wasnt understood too well by all, but it was most definitely accepted as a "thing".

petra

How doyou help the elderly lady who featured on Spam intercepters a while back.
She had been on the phone for 2 hours. The team couldn’t contact her.
She did eventually cut the call because she had to find some information the scammer wanted.
Nick jumped in quick and told her who he was and what was happening.
Her response was ^oh yes, I watch you every week^

Yes, Petra, I saw two on You Tube yesterday, a lady and a man, and they both said they watched the programme!

Daddima

petra

How doyou help the elderly lady who featured on Spam intercepters a while back.
She had been on the phone for 2 hours. The team couldn’t contact her.
She did eventually cut the call because she had to find some information the scammer wanted.
Nick jumped in quick and told her who he was and what was happening.
Her response was ^oh yes, I watch you every week^

Yes, Petra, I saw two on You Tube yesterday, a lady and a man, and they both said they watched the programme!

Yes, the man yesterday caught out by the National Crime Agency scam; he's bought gift vouchers. When they contacted him he said he watched Scam Interceptors every day!

My disabled friend went to Thailand for a holiday and came back with a wife. All his friends here were really worried as he was so soft hearted and sure she would run off once she had a British passport.

Well, we were all proved wrong and she took care of him for twenty years until his death.

When I lived in Turkey it was common to see 70 year old ladies with 24 year old waiters. The scammers played the long game to get hold of property and money.

It was no good trying to persuade them they were being scammed. Their boyfriend was always different; and when it did happen, they were too embarrassed to talk about it.

barmcake - It's understandable why that could happen at some level. It's not easy to know one used to be (for many people) somewhere through on the "passable - beautiful" spectrum for looks and realised Mother Nature has removed that. I know the feeling - having been at the "attractive" part of the spectrum and I miss that/I want it back....but one has to be realistic and do what you can to look reasonable still....but recognise you're just not being seen that way any more. I tell myself "If even Brigit Bardot can go from gorgeous to Oh Heck level with her looks over the years = what hope have those of us at a lower standard of looks in the first place got of still looking like ourselves as we get older?"

We have to be pragmatic and think "I don't look like Me anymore - and I'll just have to do the best I can about that and recognise no-one is likely to fancy me any more - darn it!"

Those were the days when maybe we could think "Got one in hand (ie a boyfriend) and several on the waiting list should a vacancy arise". We look in the mirror (or try not to look in the mirror if we can help it.....) and have to accept what it's telling us, ie "Oh dear....".

'Oh dear' indeed. I felt like Marilyn Monroe in Turkey, when in fact I look more like Hattie Jacques. Going from a country where older ladies are invisible to one where young men are fawning over you, I suppose it's inevitable that some will be taken in.

barmcake

'Oh dear' indeed. I felt like Marilyn Monroe in Turkey, when in fact I look more like Hattie Jacques. Going from a country where older ladies are invisible to one where young men are fawning over you, I suppose it's inevitable that some will be taken in.

I shouldn't laugh as it is a serious subject but your post made me chuckle!

Scribbles

Sadly, common sense is not common enough.

I think that's an unfair generalisation. It's not always about sense and whether most people have it. Loneliness is a mental health issue.

Loneliness is a mental health issue

I don’t agree.
Loneliness is sad, loneliness is to be sympathised with but loneliness is also something we can all feel at different times in our lives and for different reasons, but to include it in “mental
health issues” cheapens true mental health issues like Depression.