Daughter &Husband won’t let anyone see newborn

Macadia

Iam64

the fad of bonding is no sense. Oh no it isn’t and a baby does care who feeds them.
Bonding and attachment theory has been well established for many years
Babies who form strong attachments to a primary care giver, often their birth mother, thrive, gain weight, meet milestones. They really don’t need handing round to the next visitor to be fed. They need mum to be relaxed and under no pressure to keep a tidy house and brew up for visitirsb

Yes, Iam64. Also, the mum needs to be relaxed for proper milk production. It's not an easy task at first and a new mum doesn't need an audience. If one cares about the baby and the new mum, it's best to not ruffle her feathers at this delicate time.

Mums used to pop into their bedroom for a quiet feeding time if visitors were in the house.The visitors were the ones making tea and snacks for everyone, or even cooking a proper meal for the new Mum and Dad.

MissInterpreted

MissAdventure

It's a mistake to hold time up with the baby as some sort of prize, that needs to be earned.

Not all grandparents live to babysit.
I certainly never wanted to.

I certainly didn't 'live' to babysit - unfortunately, circumstances dictated that my husband and I had little option.
I can only reiterate that I can understand why parents want to spend those early days alone with their new baby, but I can also understand why a grandparent would feel hurt at the lack of content. I think it's perfectly possible to see both sides of the argument, and I don't think the OP has expressed any sense of 'entitlement'.

Good comment

VioletSky

You have to find the women who lift up and empower other women to find your people

I absolutely love babies but if a grandparent can wait 9 months a couple of extra weeks is nothing

What on earth does your first sentence mean?

Wotshername is fine, thank you!
As we thought she was going to be a he (they wouldn't tell us in those days) it was a fairly unisex name.

Feverjo - some kind words upthread.
Thanks for some perspective.

Feverjo,

Thank you or your thoughtful response to this situation. The hardest part for me is that while I can handle their choice not to have anyone see the baby in person, my daughter has yet to call me or answer my call. And that they won’t send a picture or tell us her name. That would make this so much easier. We only live 5 minutes apart so trust me it has been difficult not to just show up. We have a good relationship so I’m just confused and that alone is painful. I spent the whole week before she was born helping her prepare for the baby. We will just wait and see what happens. So far we have just been quietly patient. Thank you to all for your replies.

Suddenly I feel some common sense creeping in.
Iam Macadia and Violet
I agree.

Respect for the newly forming family is required here. If you love them you will support them in the way they want you to.

Sit on your hands now. The little one will still have a relationship with you. There is no rush.

Cookieof4, your daughter must love you as she has allowed you to help her prepare for this very special and important time.

The name may not even be chosen yet. Just be patient and you will reap rewards.
If you have been messaging her maybe she now feels under pressure.

Trust her to know what is best for her.

Thinking of you.

Bonding and attachment happens, it’s a natural process and it’s a biological imperative which happens in healthy families even with others around. As a new mum, I was so focused on my baby I couldn’t care less who else was around. I don’t think a grandparent popping in for an hour, or even more to help out disrupts this. There are plenty more hours in the day. But if new parents don’t want it, so be it. I wouldn’t understand it and I too would be extremely hurt.

chocolatepudding

I am not a Grandma so I cannot offer advise but I think you will have to be patient.

I will tell you what my MIL did when our DD was born in the 1970s, 3 months after we got married.
MIL stormed into the maternity ward and shouted at us about the disgrace we had brought on the family name. What were the neighbours going to say? What were the staff at the school where she worked going to think? What were the WI ladies going to say? I was in floods of tears and she walked out, barely looking at her GD.
But I will never forget the kindness of one of the mums who got a nurse to come and sit with me. "We don't judge you" the nurse said," you are a new mum and you need to be able to look after your baby and take care of yourself, that's all the matters."

This is upsetting - seven months later our DD died suddenly. All MIL cared about was putting a piece of jewellery in the coffin.

In the following 30 years MIL never apologised for her outburst and I hated her for it.

I am sorry if I have upset anyone but this shows how nasty some women can be at what should be a joyous time for all the family.

Sorry for your loss

I had such a different experience than most Grans on here . My daughter had a baby at 17. I was 46, I was at the birth, and she lived with us for a few months after. We shared everything, the father was around, but no heavily involved. My granddaughter is 14 now and we're still really close, she's at mine now for a sleepover

I think this is a new trend. A bit precious in my opinion. What harm a short visit, half an hour and make mum a cuppa?
Get a grip new mums.

Macadia

Iam64

the fad of bonding is no sense. Oh no it isn’t and a baby does care who feeds them.
Bonding and attachment theory has been well established for many years
Babies who form strong attachments to a primary care giver, often their birth mother, thrive, gain weight, meet milestones. They really don’t need handing round to the next visitor to be fed. They need mum to be relaxed and under no pressure to keep a tidy house and brew up for visitirsb

Yes, Iam64. Also, the mum needs to be relaxed for proper milk production. It's not an easy task at first and a new mum doesn't need an audience. If one cares about the baby and the new mum, it's best to not ruffle her feathers at this delicate time.

I agree with both of these posts.

Coming home with a new baby really is about mum, baby, feeding - nursing - the immediate family - mum - baby bond.

Nobody should have to brew up for guests.

NotSpaghetti

Suddenly I feel some common sense creeping in.
Iam Macadia and Violet
I agree.

Respect for the newly forming family is required here. If you love them you will support them in the way they want you to.

Sit on your hands now. The little one will still have a relationship with you. There is no rush.

All
Of
This. While I’d be dying for details too it’s simply not
Your experience. Grandparents , lovely as we are a distant second to parents. New mum and new father have chosen this to be their way. So send a cherry congrats to the news and wait to be invited in on details and photos. No sense being hurt something that isn’t yours (details photos )isn’t being shared with you.

Can't understand all these comments. It seems to be the way of things nowadays and that's that. I do think that some posters seem to think as GP's they have a right to be with the child at the very first opportunity. The parents have every right to do whatever they think is best with their child and that's all there is to it. If they feel they want time alone with their newborn then that's what they should have without interference or ill feeling from relatives who think otherwise. When I was a new mum the last thing I felt like was having visitors whoever they were. Just be patient and when they're ready for visitors you can enjoy your new grandchild.

They just want some time together as a new family- to adjust and get into a routine. Drop off a dinner in the porch but don’t worry about being invited yet. When you do go, take a cake or other goodies- don’t expect them to wait on you - offer to do a wash load or tidy round
Congratulations on the new addition x

Cookieof4

Feverjo,

Thank you or your thoughtful response to this situation. The hardest part for me is that while I can handle their choice not to have anyone see the baby in person, my daughter has yet to call me or answer my call. And that they won’t send a picture or tell us her name. That would make this so much easier. We only live 5 minutes apart so trust me it has been difficult not to just show up. We have a good relationship so I’m just confused and that alone is painful. I spent the whole week before she was born helping her prepare for the baby. We will just wait and see what happens. So far we have just been quietly patient. Thank you to all for your replies.

I believe very strongly that you will be the first person she calls upon when she's ready. You are her mother. Try not to take it to heart. She doesn't want to hurt you. She is likely just knackered.

I reiterate what I said upthread
A photo of the new arrival will cost nothing, harm no one and will allay the new GP’s worries.
If they haven’t decided on a name just say so.
Just answer the phone, say all is well, little X is thriving and we look forward to you visiting in time and here is a photo of your adorable new GC.
Common courtesy in my mind.

And respect for the parents who started it all in the first place.

Take yourself off for a week in the sun and forget about them if you can. I bet they’ll change their minds about you seeing the baby once they realise you are not sitting around waiting for them to call.

There was a post on Mumsnet recently where an OP was complaining bitterly that her MIL had arranged to go on holiday over the time the her baby was expected. Honestly Grans can’t win.

When my daughter was born in August, many years ago, her father was busy working, running a children’s holiday club that week. No family living nearby. My parents were working. My MIL didn’t work but was away on holiday, so we had booked her to come the following week. I was glad of help from local friends. Yes, some did outstay their welcome, but they made cups of tea and brought cake and gifts, cooked meals, washed up, took away washing and ironing, so I couldn’t be ungrateful. It was lovely to be part of the community.
What’s that African saying?
“It takes a village to raise a child.”.

I feel your pain and can fully understand how upset you must be feeling. As others have said this seems to be the thing with youngsters these days. My daughter was very “in control” when she had hers although I saw her I wasn’t allowed to do anything, change nappy or anything, she breast fed so I didn’t get to do that either, what I did get to do was lunch every day for a year for my daughter ! It was the year of Covid and I was off work for much of it. It’s all change now though and we do have a relationship but daughter tries to still be in control.
Bear with the new parents, the novelty will wear off and they will get very tired, then you will be much needed.
All this bonding “piffle” (great word for it) is just more sodding App parenting…..don’t get me started on those! You’ll find out lol…there’s an App for everything.

Modern nonsense, as others have said, it's now very common. At some point they will probably resent your lack of interest and wonder why.

JTH65

I feel your pain and can fully understand how upset you must be feeling. As others have said this seems to be the thing with youngsters these days. My daughter was very “in control” when she had hers although I saw her I wasn’t allowed to do anything, change nappy or anything, she breast fed so I didn’t get to do that either, what I did get to do was lunch every day for a year for my daughter ! It was the year of Covid and I was off work for much of it. It’s all change now though and we do have a relationship but daughter tries to still be in control.
Bear with the new parents, the novelty will wear off and they will get very tired, then you will be much needed.
All this bonding “piffle” (great word for it) is just more sodding App parenting…..don’t get me started on those! You’ll find out lol…there’s an App for everything.

What do you mean by “app parenting”?