Daughter &Husband won’t let anyone see newborn

GrannyRose15

Take yourself off for a week in the sun and forget about them if you can. I bet they’ll change their minds about you seeing the baby once they realise you are not sitting around waiting for them to call.

Then they'll be complaining to their friends or on MN that Mother/Granny was no help whatsoever when the new baby arrived and the new parents decided they needed a break/a meal cooked/washing done.

I don’t think bonding existed when my two were born

Nor when my three were born?

Pretentious piffle

Exactly! I couldn’t have put it better myself.

Please, grans... don't be so hostile to a new family taking a few days for themselves.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Oh I’m not hostile NotSpaghettii but I have limited understanding of this new trend. I absolutely couldn’t wait to show off my new babies, but sadly two of them were in NICU with a serious condition in each case, and consequently I was beside myself with worry, pain, and sadness. My parents drove down with my sister from 240 miles away to see our baby daughter in her incubator in NICU. I was so happy to see them, and feel their love and support. My MiL was already staying with us to help care for our two little boys. I didn’t lift a finger, I was waited on hand and foot. The same with our second baby, my mum was staying with us to care for our eighteen month old, and to look after me. When our first was born and I took him home, I desperately wanted my mum so I could show him to her. They came a couple of days later and stayed two weeks, it was Christmas. I didn’t lift a finger. None of this stopped my milk coming in, even though for the second two babies, I had to pump it and take it in, not that my babies could have it then, but other babies benefited.

No, this is precious behaviour. All I have described didn’t stop me from ‘bonding’ with any of my babies. In fact, because two of them were in NICU I was distressed, but so grateful that my mum could see them, even if only through the glass window.

That's lovely Maddy and it seems you all benefitted from it.

As a mother and grandmother I can’t imagine thinking it was acceptable to prioritize my own wants and needs over another mother with her brand new baby. Even if that new mother is my own daughter/daughter in law. I love and respect my daughter and son in law dearly and I would never impose myself onto them. They are adults and I treat them like adults with their own values, feelings and opinions. I have an amazing relationship with my daughter and SIL because I respect their boundaries. I would never tell my daughter that her bonding with her new beautiful precious baby is a “trend”. That bonding process needs to occur for healthy growth and development and I do not want to interfere with that. If they want me there, I will be there! If not, I won’t. It’s as simple as that!

Whilst I do feel that this current trend is somewhat pretentious, I do think that it's up to the individual parents to do whatever they feel is right for them, particularly as far as not wanting visitors soon after the baby is born.
I'm sure many of us weren't looking, or feeling our best, in the days following childbirth, due to sheer exhaustion and pain (excruciating in my case!), and weren't feeling up to having visitors descend upon us. On the contrary, I was still excited and absolutely wanted to share the joy of our new babies with our close family and friends. Everyone is different.

As far as name sharing is concerned, it's not entirely unusual for parents to have not decided on a name, even though they've had 9 months to think about it, so I wouldn't worry about that. However, not sharing any other details about the baby, and not sharing a photograph with the grandparents, I think is rather extreme and hurtful. That has nothing whatsoever to do with the parents bonding with their baby. It's simply selfish and very hurtful.

As far as bonding with the baby is concerned, I've never known anyone in my wide circle of family or friends not to naturally bond with their baby, isn't it a natural instinct? I fail to see why so many new parents have the need to lock themselves away in order to bond with their babies. It all seems rather unnatural and unnecessary to me. But, of course, that's just my opinion, and I do appreciate that others feel differently.

My second baby was three weeks late, my parents were on holiday, my mother in law was ill, all our best laid plans had fallen to pieces.
My neighbors stepped up, taking my daughter when we went to the hospital, keeping her overnight, I was away for two weeks, and they were wonderful, I can’t imagine what I would have done without them, it was open house for everyone when we eventually got home.
As any mother of multiple children will tell you, babies are tougher than they look, and come to no harm from having lots of cuddles.

Maddyone I agree that when a baby needs medical support the whole world is upside down. I know this from my own family as one of my own daughters was in your position and yes, she was not able to be at home with her precious new life either.

I was not pointing the finger at anyone but this is not a new idea and some Gransnetters do seem to be hostile.

When my daughter's baby was in NICU all we wanted was to see that little one safe and well. She survived and came home though was back in hospital again shortly after.
The pain and hollow emptiness is not something I'd wish on anyone.

*

Whilst "bonding" has been used by some as a reason for this private time I have never seen it like that and haven't used that word.
My babies were all well at birth (🙏 thankfully) and this time as a new family was truly an example of
perfect peace.

As I said upthread somewhere it was simply few days of ultimate quiet "one-ness" as a family..
The joy of sharing the new life with the other people we loved was not jeopardised by this.

Yes, it most certainly is a privilege and "precious" - but not in the way many Gransnetters are using the word.. It is not new, nor a fad and the hostility to this way
is definitely here on this thread.

I am so sorry for your pain and distress
maddyone and even more for all those new parents who never got to watch their babies grow up.
We, who have families to love (and to be loved by) are indeed very blessed.

My motto in life was 'have baby, will travel'. I could not have thought of anything worse than being bogged down with newborn bonding, people visiting and all the paraphernalia surrounding birth and breast feeding . I was a professional woman and back at work within 4 weeks of giving birth. The whole family pitched in, my 70 year old dad included and the child had four grandparents and two parents from the day it was born. They have grown into the most balanced, common sense and successful individual ever because they had the love of all those people. I would not have changed it for the world.

On so many other AIBU posts, people get told, it's not up to you, its the parents decision where grandchildrenare concerned. I will be getting a new grandbaby next year in addition to the two I have. My lovely DIL is a sharer so I will get photos of an hours old baby. However, if they didn't want to do this it's fine, whatever they are most comfortable with. So many gransnetters are acting like they didn't take advice or suggestions of thier time. For me we were encouraged to use cot bumpers but I constantly had my lovely mother in law saying...In my day blah blah. I wanted to do what I thought was best for my baby. I am glad that our kids are strong enough to do what they feel is best for them. If they don't want visitors fine. I can even understand that they don't want to send photos as so many end up plastered across social media. They are the parents, it's their time to do things the way they want to. In addition, we don't know the other side, I had literal nightmares that my MIL would just override me and take over, lovely as she was she ignored anything I said. I wish I had been brave enough to say no. If they want this time to just worry about the three of them, it's their right, sad if we feel hurt but if we know they are safe and well, we have to be grateful for that.

As always it is a matter of degree.

There is no problem with new parents wanting a few days to get settled in a bit before receiving visitors. What is troubling is the zealous construction of barricades to family support on the spurious grounds that the presence of relatives popping in to welcome the new baby will in some way interfere with "bonding." If you are parents cuddling, feeding cleaning the baby then bonding is a given. It does not preclude normal conversations with other adults.

Where there are overbearing grandparents or in-laws, then laying down some boundaries makes sense. But where relationships are good, then young new parents need to know that others coming along to say hello is in no way detrimental to their baby nor to them getting close to their baby.

It is a matter of balance, and this new trend is plugged so zealously that new parents miss out on valuable support that might, ironically, leave them with more time and headspace to do their bonding.

Luckygirl thank you for being a voice of sense

Send them a thoughtful gift, take away credit,fruit basket, mums favorite bath stuff, that sort of stuff. Enclose a card saying you can’t wait to meet the new arrival but respect their wishes for bonding time. They will share when they are ready!

Is this a Class thing? In some of the families I knew from work, many adult children with children, practically lived with their parents much of the time. I can’t see them practising this separation thing.

I hope your daughter is ok and healing, so many comments about the baby and not one comment about the new mum's health and recovery. I hope she had a smooth labour.

March, As the parents have refused all contact how is anyone to know?

Exactly, that's what I'd be more worried about rather than seeing a picture of the baby.

This is all about the first baby, but what happens when they have a second and subsequent child? I would bet that grandparents, excluded from the first baby's early days, would even be in demand to help out with that same child when a sibling arrived.

It really doesn't matter how we did things

Our children are different individual people with their own needs and values

You have to work at good family relationships and respecting their wishes is one way to do that

Exactly VS

I would add "Baby and mother are doing well" may mean many things

1. Everything went well and the mother is recovering - however she chooses to do so
2. Something may have happened but that answer keeps additional questions at bay

The fact that no picture or name were shared and the OP hints at a close relationship with her daughter - something does not sit well here. Gaps in the background?

Umm.
10 pages of responses in 2 days, but none that I can see from the OP.
I wonder...?

Home with a four-day old new baby?
First time parents?
What can they be doing not to have the time to answer the phone or spend time ringing around the family?
Answers on a postcard

No contact at all? Mobile phones. Text messages, only need one, to be circulated. This is family, not hordes of friends.