Daughter &Husband won’t let anyone see newborn

Skydancer

The fad of bonding is nonsense. A baby couldn’t care less who feeds him or her. What happened to good old common sense?

I have common sense also but maybe it is different than others' common sense because I never wanted any visitors after having a baby and loved laying in bed (sleep when baby sleeps) holding my little one for the first time on the outside after holding him on the inside for months; getting rest, recuperating, as my hormones took the journey to change to pre-pregnancy state. It was a priceless time for me, my gift and I fed my baby. My husband had no tits.

Purplegran

Your daughter and son in law are grown adults and are allowed to have boundaries and this is a boundary for them. If it upsets you, that’s your problem, not theirs.

Well, that's the OP told then! If that was me, I'd be saying 'well, when you decide you want me to babysit, that's your problem and not mine!'

A photograph does not hurt the baby and would be loved by a gran. It is a considerate, proud thing to do for others.

I would never impose on a new mum in the first few weeks. I would wait to be invited, mail a happy card, and not hold a grudge. I wouldn't call her weird, trendy or any of the other labels here. It's her time and she is right.

Oh Misinterpreted, if that’s you’re response to someone setting boundaries that I certainly wouldn’t be asking you to babysit. 🙂

Purplegran

Oh Misinterpreted, if that’s you’re response to someone setting boundaries that I certainly wouldn’t be asking you to babysit. 🙂

I understand boundaries, but I certainly don't think it's in any way unreasonable for a grandparent who is clearly excited about the birth of their grandchild to want more than just a terse message. The OP has every reason to feel hurt, and to be quite frank, some of the responses on here are lacking in empathy, to say the least.

It's a mistake to hold time up with the baby as some sort of prize, that needs to be earned.

Not all grandparents live to babysit.
I certainly never wanted to.

We knew even 50 years ago that babies don't need to socialise, not for many months. Meeting a new baby is entirely in the interests of adults.

Yes, but there is nothing wrong with that, surely?

BlueBelle

I think we have a few young posters on here supporting the posters daughter and telling us off popped over from yonder maybe

I don’t think it’s so much about not seeing the child for the first week as the poster not knowing it’s name, it’s weight not even one photo , sorry but that is not natural

Not natural to whom? Who sets these imaginary standards for how others should live and think?

What practical use is any of that info for the grandparents that it is such a huge deal to not have them mere days after birth? These reactions are so extreme. You would think a crime had been committed.

Misinterpreted, being on the receiving end of someone setting boundaries can seem hurtful, and hard for some people. unfortunately, I think there is a lot more to this case than what OP is letting on. If the daughter and son in law are only sending “short texts” and not sending much information, my guess is that there has been a violation of boundaries before and this is daughter and son in laws way of protecting their peace and space. I have been through this myself with my own mother in law not respecting my boundaries. I could also say that OP is lacking empathy to her daughter and son in laws need for time and space.

"The fad of bonding is nonsense. A baby couldn’t care less who feeds him or her. What happened to good old common sense?"

Welcome to 2024! It's actually good old common sense that babies do indeed care who holds and feeds them, hence their attachment to their primary caregivers. There is no security like that from mum. Good old common sense also shows it's the extra visitors who the baby couldn't care less about. The world is different. Mums and Dads actually want time with their babies. Believe it or not, not everyone is dying to play pass the parcel or can't wait to get away from the baby to let others "help." Change is not the enemy.

MissAdventure

It's a mistake to hold time up with the baby as some sort of prize, that needs to be earned.

Not all grandparents live to babysit.
I certainly never wanted to.

It's also a mistake to hold up time with the baby fresh out the womb as an entitlement of grans and extended family. If only we all lived and let live.

If most of the younger generation want this or agree it is a valid choice then we just need to respect that...

You give respect to get it, Our children don't owe us anything

I am not a Grandma so I cannot offer advise but I think you will have to be patient.

I will tell you what my MIL did when our DD was born in the 1970s, 3 months after we got married.
MIL stormed into the maternity ward and shouted at us about the disgrace we had brought on the family name. What were the neighbours going to say? What were the staff at the school where she worked going to think? What were the WI ladies going to say? I was in floods of tears and she walked out, barely looking at her GD.
But I will never forget the kindness of one of the mums who got a nurse to come and sit with me. "We don't judge you" the nurse said," you are a new mum and you need to be able to look after your baby and take care of yourself, that's all the matters."

This is upsetting - seven months later our DD died suddenly. All MIL cared about was putting a piece of jewellery in the coffin.

In the following 30 years MIL never apologised for her outburst and I hated her for it.

I am sorry if I have upset anyone but this shows how nasty some women can be at what should be a joyous time for all the family.

MissAdventure

It's a mistake to hold time up with the baby as some sort of prize, that needs to be earned.

Not all grandparents live to babysit.
I certainly never wanted to.

I certainly didn't 'live' to babysit - unfortunately, circumstances dictated that my husband and I had little option.
I can only reiterate that I can understand why parents want to spend those early days alone with their new baby, but I can also understand why a grandparent would feel hurt at the lack of content. I think it's perfectly possible to see both sides of the argument, and I don't think the OP has expressed any sense of 'entitlement'.

You have to find the women who lift up and empower other women to find your people

I absolutely love babies but if a grandparent can wait 9 months a couple of extra weeks is nothing

MissInterpreted

MissAdventure

It's a mistake to hold time up with the baby as some sort of prize, that needs to be earned.

Not all grandparents live to babysit.
I certainly never wanted to.

I certainly didn't 'live' to babysit - unfortunately, circumstances dictated that my husband and I had little option.
I can only reiterate that I can understand why parents want to spend those early days alone with their new baby, but I can also understand why a grandparent would feel hurt at the lack of content. I think it's perfectly possible to see both sides of the argument, and I don't think the OP has expressed any sense of 'entitlement'.

I just don't feel it should be an argument. Feeling a bit disappointed to not see the new baby is a proportionate response. Feeling 'hurt' and angry and name-calling like in the comments section? That's all pretty irrational. The young couple isn't going out of their way to hurt. They made sure gran knew baby was okay. They are knackered. It's the lack of empathy and focus on invalidating different experiences that is a bit unhinged on this thread. I also would have hoped the OP would have displayed a bit more concern for the daughter here. Instead, the focus is on feeling aggrieved by the young couple not giving her what she wants. It's a bit unkind.

chocolatepudding

I am not a Grandma so I cannot offer advise but I think you will have to be patient.

I will tell you what my MIL did when our DD was born in the 1970s, 3 months after we got married.
MIL stormed into the maternity ward and shouted at us about the disgrace we had brought on the family name. What were the neighbours going to say? What were the staff at the school where she worked going to think? What were the WI ladies going to say? I was in floods of tears and she walked out, barely looking at her GD.
But I will never forget the kindness of one of the mums who got a nurse to come and sit with me. "We don't judge you" the nurse said," you are a new mum and you need to be able to look after your baby and take care of yourself, that's all the matters."

This is upsetting - seven months later our DD died suddenly. All MIL cared about was putting a piece of jewellery in the coffin.

In the following 30 years MIL never apologised for her outburst and I hated her for it.

I am sorry if I have upset anyone but this shows how nasty some women can be at what should be a joyous time for all the family.

I am so sorry for your loss

I am so sorry, too, chocolate pudding

the fad of bonding is no sense. Oh no it isn’t and a baby does care who feeds them.
Bonding and attachment theory has been well established for many years
Babies who form strong attachments to a primary care giver, often their birth mother, thrive, gain weight, meet milestones. They really don’t need handing round to the next visitor to be fed. They need mum to be relaxed and under no pressure to keep a tidy house and brew up for visitirsb

I love babies and I never ask or wish to hold a newborn, even when offered. Babies don't want to be passed around. They lived for months inside the womb and it's enough of a shock to be outside the womb. They are not "settled" until about 8 weeks or so. They DO know who their mum is from day one, even by scent and sound.

Iam64

*the fad of bonding is no sense*. Oh no it isn’t and a baby does care who feeds them.
Bonding and attachment theory has been well established for many years
Babies who form strong attachments to a primary care giver, often their birth mother, thrive, gain weight, meet milestones. They really don’t need handing round to the next visitor to be fed. They need mum to be relaxed and under no pressure to keep a tidy house and brew up for visitirsb

Yes, Iam64. Also, the mum needs to be relaxed for proper milk production. It's not an easy task at first and a new mum doesn't need an audience. If one cares about the baby and the new mum, it's best to not ruffle her feathers at this delicate time.

Iam64

*the fad of bonding is no sense*. Oh no it isn’t and a baby does care who feeds them.
Bonding and attachment theory has been well established for many years
Babies who form strong attachments to a primary care giver, often their birth mother, thrive, gain weight, meet milestones. They really don’t need handing round to the next visitor to be fed. They need mum to be relaxed and under no pressure to keep a tidy house and brew up for visitirsb

I agree with you Iam64. I cannot believe a human being said bonding is “nonsense” or a “fad”. We are humans, we ALL need bonding do we not? We all want to feel connection and inclusion, we want to feel loved, safe, secure, and a baby needs that the most from their mum and dad in their early days. I am truly shocked by some of these insensitive comments about bonding being a “trend”.

Iam64

*the fad of bonding is no sense*. Oh no it isn’t and a baby does care who feeds them.
Bonding and attachment theory has been well established for many years
Babies who form strong attachments to a primary care giver, often their birth mother, thrive, gain weight, meet milestones. They really don’t need handing round to the next visitor to be fed. They need mum to be relaxed and under no pressure to keep a tidy house and brew up for visitirsb

The visitors could be doing the brewing

Callistemon213

We struggled on when DC3 arrived because my parents weren't at all well, my MIL was too far away, DH couldn't take any time off work and I would have been so glad of some help as I tore ligaments in my ankle!
We hadn't decided on a name either.

😖😄and how is little wotshisname doing now? You could have just called him Boy or if her, then Girl like the Mum in the very good film on Netflix, Bird Box did.