Daughter &Husband won’t let anyone see newborn

Yes it is a cruel trend. I know the young parents are doing what is best for them and that is their right.

But I do think these parents are depriving their child of being loved, feeling a apart of a larger family and making memories with them, for their child to develop securely in a family environment.

My GC loved coming here and I think perhaps it was a threat to the parents who now don't allow it and choose to criticize our home, now.

I want to say to parents that it will not weaken your child's bond with you if you allow them to have relationships with other family members, because I think my (insecure) son was threatened by it. If parents are so insecure that they fear losing their child to a grandparent, then I don't have the answer. I doubt that could ever happen.

Not allowing a child to access a world outside their parents seems extremely controlling. I would also love to ask such parents how they intend to control their child in future years. Control is not love and I'm sure the kids who are controlled will rebel and seek the family that they were denied.

It's a modern trend in which parents are consigned to the back of the queue. I don't understand it. I would be very hurt. I'm glad my grandchildren were born before this trend.
One woman I know, now the child's carer, wasn't told for a week!
I think it must be for the first child, because once the new parents realise how much help grandparents are, they rely on them for help. You're not alone in being hurt. I think there are many new grandparents out there who feel the same.

We told my parents and in-laws when we'd had baby no1 and said she was doing well and healthy. We said "no visitors for a week"
- which my parents ignored.

We had NO desire to "show off our baby" to anyone.

What we really wanted (many here say selfishly) was a close and relaxed time with our newborn perfect little miracle.

We were lucky that my husband could negotiate holiday and we wanted those first few days to ourselves.

Our second baby, born in America, was that perfect little island of peace and love. Just the four of us... I feel deeply privileged to have had that.

I'm sorry you are feeling "out of it" but please just consider this as a gift of love to them from you. 💐

Don't be upset about names. We didn't settle on one for weeks and your daughter and son-in-law may still be considering options.

I agree with Oreo that today's trend fir remaining silent while they 'bond' with the baby is pretentious. On the other gand you have to go with it and it's certainly not personal to you. Just message to say that you are there when they're ready: it's all you can do.

I'd like to add that those young parents who want to 'bond' most likely won't be backward in coming forward when they need childcare.

Op

Watch out if this is the beginning of resenting your relationship with the parents- what if the birthday party is not what you expect? Are you also going to be hurt?

Parents have kids for themselves, not to make the grandparents and the family happy

I’m lucky in that when all my eight grandchildren were born I was welcome to visit within hours, however having had MILs who knew far better than I ( according to them ) I was very conscious about not offering any advice unless asked. I made sure I only stayed for a short visit and a cuddle. It does seem that this bonding idea is pushed down new parents throats, but at the end of the day it’s their baby, we’ve had our turn

Yes they do have kids for themselves, but what about the kids rights? The kid has a right to know their wider family, to be included in the family group and celebrated and loved. It's certainly the parents right to forbid that, but I will say it's not always best for the kids or appreciated.

As a child, my Mother hated my GP (both sides) with a passion so she made sure we could only see them for two hours on the dot every four months. So a total of 6 hours a year. It has been very difficult for me as a child and as an adult to deal with the fact that she prevented me having time with my GP who I loved.

Congratulations on the birth of your grandchild. I would be exhilarated but in no rush to meet the child who at this stage really only needs the parents. Some parents can take an age to name a child (we did) so maybe baby is nameless. First parents are in unknown territory, they'll find their way through, their way. Congratulations again.

It's been 2 days since they've been home. I think this and most of the reactions here are far too dramatic. Not everyone is just dying for family to come over, overstay, and "teach" them how to parent their own newborns. Just because some of you had certain experiences doesn't make the younger generations obligated to want the same. Different strokes for different folks. The new parents are probably tired and you can't expect everyone to have the self-awareness to not prioritize this obsession with newborn "cuddles" over letting the new little family settle in. What exactly is anyone missing not seeing someone else's newborn for a few days? Someone else's postpartum period is up to them to navigate. Extended family has a lifetime to get to know this child. Don't make it about you.

I do agree, it's not about us. I think we make a mistake when we only consider what we might be losing and forget about the impact on the child www.grandparentsunitedforchildren.org.uk/

I've been a child who was heavily controlled and isolated, so I know how it feels, but I wouldn't say anything to the parents as it's their responsibility to make their child well rounded, not mine.

OnwardandUpward

Yes they do have kids for themselves, but what about the kids rights? The kid has a right to know their wider family, to be included in the family group and celebrated and loved. It's certainly the parents right to forbid that, but I will say it's not always best for the kids or appreciated.

As a child, my Mother hated my GP (both sides) with a passion so she made sure we could only see them for two hours on the dot every four months. So a total of 6 hours a year. It has been very difficult for me as a child and as an adult to deal with the fact that she prevented me having time with my GP who I loved.

A newborn has zero needs whatsoever for extended family. Their needs are very basic. They want their mum and they need to bond with dad.

I must admit I’d be very upset too

Yes I agree that a newborn only need their parents. I didn't see y GC as newbors but I was digressing and talking about my own experience later on being used as free living but then discarded when no longer useful as I felt a bit triggered.

Hopefully this is a temporary thing for @Cookieof4

The baby has arrived and all is well You can decide to be hurt if you like but you could just be glad that's all is well It's not uncommon for new parents to not receive visits from ANYONE (including you) Keep your hurt to yourself don't pressure the parents and enjoy meeting the baby when you are invited to .

Feverjo

It's been 2 days since they've been home. I think this and most of the reactions here are far too dramatic. Not everyone is just dying for family to come over, overstay, and "teach" them how to parent their own newborns. Just because some of you had certain experiences doesn't make the younger generations obligated to want the same. Different strokes for different folks. The new parents are probably tired and you can't expect everyone to have the self-awareness to not prioritize this obsession with newborn "cuddles" over letting the new little family settle in. What exactly is anyone missing not seeing someone else's newborn for a few days? Someone else's postpartum period is up to them to navigate. Extended family has a lifetime to get to know this child. Don't make it about you.

I couldn't agree more.

You, we, I raised ours-- give grace of time to do as they wish.

Many of these reactions, imo, are over the top dramatic.

AugustDay

Considering some of the posts here I’m honestly not surprised that some parents are asking for alone time with their new baby before allowing visitors, family or not.

They have been called pretentious, entitled, silly, selfish and more. This woman gave birth 4 days ago! She’ll make mistakes, we all did. Yes, she’ll probably need help later on and not realize it yet. Yes, baby number 2 might be different. Didn’t anyone else do things with their first child that the realized were silly in hindsight?

OP is hurt, but calling her daughter names isn’t helping.

This. I’ve found reading these messages quite shocking in how judgemental they are.

My view of the messages does not detract from my understanding of how painful it is to not be able to see your own grandchild. It is very, very painful, almost beyond understanding, and thus touches many nerves — which probably explains the criticism here. Note I use ‘painful’ because it’s an emotion that emanates from inside us: our urge to connect with those we love, our desire to be part of their families, our hopes for everyone’s future. It is an expression of how much love OP has for her [newly extended] family.

I’m not using ‘hurtful’ because that implies it is an emotion coming from the OP’s daughter / son-in-law. I don’t think they are purposely thinking ‘we don’t want OP here, she’s xxx [something negative]’. I can pretty much guarantee they, like many of us, have been thrust into the shock of parenthood (via the shock of birthing!) and in a desperate attempt to cope, are following whatever sources of advice they think are appropriate. So they are acting out of love for their new child just as OP is acting out of love for her’s.

And the voices that promote ‘attachment’ as only possible if you hide from everyone / carry your baby around at all times / only feed them organic things you have grown yourself / play them Mozart in the womb (remember that trend?) are very, very convincing, earnest, ‘I am the one who tells you the ultimate truth’ voices. Very compelling, and easy to believe, especially when you are new to parenting.

I don’t judge those who try hard to follow such advice (don’t ask me about the judgements I have for those who give it, of course), and I see that attempts to do so, the fantasy of being the ‘ideal mother’ and ‘ideal father’ as both rather lovely, and highly unrealistic. I know they’ll do things differently with any future children they might have, which is fine too. By the third or fourth they won’t care how they do it, as long as they just get through the day!!!!

But meanwhile, OP, your pain is real, and very, very understandable, and completely appropriate to the situation. It is painful, and I am really sorry you have to experience it. I hope you find ways to fill the days to distract yourself while your head is emotionally connected to this new little thing that is related to you but whom you can’t meet yet.

Sending as many hugs your way as possible. xxx

I think it's really silly and incredibly disingenuous to frame the postpartum period about depriving the babies of relationships they neither socially nor biologically are aware of. It doesn't even remotely make any sense. They are not aware of anyone but their parents. Relationships with extended family are developed later down the line. Babies cannot and do not bond with anyone but primary caregivers. No one should be trying frame this issue as if they will be harmed in anyway by grandparents not getting what they want.

If she's breastfeeding she probably needs space and time.

I never saw mine as newborn, not til they were a few months old- and I didn't expect to seeing as they weren't in this country. It didn't prevent a bond. I'm just sad because I'm not able to see them now they are school age.

If you have to wait a few days or a few months, it's not the end of the world . It's harder if you end up not seeing them.

Everyone has their own way of doing things. The recommendations given to parents their first days/weeks with their newborn has changed dramatically over the years. These new parents are likely following this advice, which you shouldn't begrudge. You were once a new parent trying to do your best too. Sometimes they will disagree with you about what is best and that's okay.

Them choosing something different doesn't make anyone wrong or selfish. I'm surprised at the vitriol here, although I shouldn't be. You can feel hurt without blaming them, calling them names, or implying anything negative about their choices and intentions.

I wonder if your criticism of their choices plays a part in the distance you feel.

Rasamara

AugustDay

Considering some of the posts here I’m honestly not surprised that some parents are asking for alone time with their new baby before allowing visitors, family or not.

They have been called pretentious, entitled, silly, selfish and more. This woman gave birth 4 days ago! She’ll make mistakes, we all did. Yes, she’ll probably need help later on and not realize it yet. Yes, baby number 2 might be different. Didn’t anyone else do things with their first child that the realized were silly in hindsight?

OP is hurt, but calling her daughter names isn’t helping.

This. I’ve found reading these messages quite shocking in how judgemental they are.

My view of the messages does not detract from my understanding of how painful it is to not be able to see your own grandchild. It is very, very painful, almost beyond understanding, and thus touches many nerves — which probably explains the criticism here. Note I use ‘painful’ because it’s an emotion that emanates from inside us: our urge to connect with those we love, our desire to be part of their families, our hopes for everyone’s future. It is an expression of how much love OP has for her [newly extended] family.

I’m not using ‘hurtful’ because that implies it is an emotion coming from the OP’s daughter / son-in-law. I don’t think they are purposely thinking ‘we don’t want OP here, she’s xxx [something negative]’. I can pretty much guarantee they, like many of us, have been thrust into the shock of parenthood (via the shock of birthing!) and in a desperate attempt to cope, are following whatever sources of advice they think are appropriate. So they are acting out of love for their new child just as OP is acting out of love for her’s.

And the voices that promote ‘attachment’ as only possible if you hide from everyone / carry your baby around at all times / only feed them organic things you have grown yourself / play them Mozart in the womb (remember that trend?) are very, very convincing, earnest, ‘I am the one who tells you the ultimate truth’ voices. Very compelling, and easy to believe, especially when you are new to parenting.

I don’t judge those who try hard to follow such advice (don’t ask me about the judgements I have for those who give it, of course), and I see that attempts to do so, the fantasy of being the ‘ideal mother’ and ‘ideal father’ as both rather lovely, and highly unrealistic. I know they’ll do things differently with any future children they might have, which is fine too. By the third or fourth they won’t care how they do it, as long as they just get through the day!!!!

But meanwhile, OP, your pain is real, and very, very understandable, and completely appropriate to the situation. It is painful, and I am really sorry you have to experience it. I hope you find ways to fill the days to distract yourself while your head is emotionally connected to this new little thing that is related to you but whom you can’t meet yet.

Sending as many hugs your way as possible. xxx

Very mature and compassionate post.

I had no family living close by when I had my children. I would have given anything for some support. Especially as my husband worked away a lot when my first DD was born. I’ve been lucky with my grandchildren. I was there for the birth of all of them except the youngest, who was a lockdown baby. But even then I met him when he was only two or three hours old.

I’m not surprised you feel hurt. I would have been too. But as so many have said all you can do is smile and wait for them to feel ready for visitors. I’m sure as the baby gets older they will be glad to have grandparents who will baby sit and help out. Meanwhile, congratulations, things will sort themselves out.

How does letting people know the baby's name impact the bonding experience?

I was happy to pass my new babies around as long as I got a chance to feed on demand and get some sleep and nobody interfered. These days I'd be hugely more cautious because of covid and can understand that new parents want a chance to be alone and bond with their baby without worrying about who might accidentally make one or all of them sick. Covid has made people far more anxious and inclined to isolate.

These days I think fear of germs does play a huge part. Parents might be advised to keep themselves to themselves a bit.

I wouldn't mind not seeing a newborn GC. I didn't have that choice anyway due to their birth overseas and didn't meet them for many months. When I did meet them we bonded , no problem.