Daughter &Husband won’t let anyone see newborn

I hope so too Norah
It's an anxious time when your adult children ard giving birth.
❤️

Callistemon213

^I think it’s fair comment that new mums spend so little time in hospital, that they probably need a bit of space^

So what would happen in hospital?

Be shown how to bath baby, change baby, feed baby, baby put in crib or taken to nursery by nurse or midwife.
Meals brought by smiling domestic staff, cleared away.
Water jug filled.
Helped to go for a bath.

Grandmothers are, by default, mothers, and most would do this plus the washing, cleaning etc. because they know what it is like.

But if that's not what the new little family wants or needs then that's okay too. Fathers are now more involved. This is not a bad thing. Some new families would like to experience the first few days finding their own path. As grandmothers, we know what our own experiences were like but it doesn't mean our children must experience things the same way we did.

Sarahr

This seems to be a new fad of the generation. I waited for the phone call to say they were at the hospital. I phoned the hospital to find out how my daughter was doing as she was booked in to be induced, to be told they had nobody of that name on maternity. Yes, I did message over the next few days, but never got a reply. I never got the phone call, I eventually found out that my Grandson had been born, but still no contact from dd or sil. Yes, I finally got yhe message that they had cut me out of their lives. I have never seen Grandson and I believe I have another Grandchild, as a neighbour found a Facebook post with my dd heavily pregnant at a recent event. All I can do is make cards and small age related gifts for my grandchildren to be given to them, either on my demise, or if they ever want to find me.

I am sorry that was your experience. However, it does not mean this is anywhere close to what is happening with the OP. The vast majority of the time when the couple needs a few days to themselves after the birth, it's really just that. The OP herself commented that she was very much involved just the week prior. Again, sorry this was your experience.

Feverjo

Callistemon213

I think it’s fair comment that new mums spend so little time in hospital, that they probably need a bit of space

So what would happen in hospital?

Be shown how to bath baby, change baby, feed baby, baby put in crib or taken to nursery by nurse or midwife.
Meals brought by smiling domestic staff, cleared away.
Water jug filled.
Helped to go for a bath.

Grandmothers are, by default, mothers, and most would do this plus the washing, cleaning etc. because they know what it is like.

But if that's not what the new little family wants or needs then that's okay too. Fathers are now more involved. This is not a bad thing. Some new families would like to experience the first few days finding their own path. As grandmothers, we know what our own experiences were like but it doesn't mean our children must experience things the same way we did.

I'm not saying thst's what should happen necessarily.

A nicer message would be better, not just a terse announcement by text, especially as DM was so involved and needed just before the birth.
It's just plain rude and thoughtless.

I expect she's worrying there is something wrong.

rafichagran

Feverjo the village in other cultures has not dissapeared, my friends could tell you that.
Also I do not take my hats of to young Father's helping, it is his child as well, to be expected not admired.
I know things change over time and I respect that, but not to the exclusion of good manners and respect for your family. Yes lock yourself away to bond for two weeks, but take the time to send a couple of texts, one to say you are getting on OK, and a photo of the baby, with a reminder not to post on social media.
Like I said upthread I don't know of any new Mothers who behave like this.
I am glad my adult son and daughter are not ignorant and were bought up to show consideration for other people's feelings. As far as I am concerned they can lock themselves away to bond, I don't care, but remember the feelings of other people.

Take your hat off to them or don't, how we feel about what young fathers do today is irrelevant. The fact is that they are there and their presence is more important than that of the "village", whether culture subscribes to that notion or not. The young couple decides their own individual needs, not the "village" or Gransnet. No one's judgement of someone else's needs matter.

Good manners means not presuming the wants and desires of the grandparents are equal to what the young family needs in the postpartum period. Their needs take precedence over any pictures or details wanted by anyone else. It takes a great deal of self-involvement to think a young postpartum mother is being rude by not doing what others want her to do. I don't even understand the mentality of anyone who thinks a freshly postpartum woman needs to focus on sending pictures and texts while she's just been discharged from the hospital.

Callistemon213

Feverjo

Callistemon213

I think it’s fair comment that new mums spend so little time in hospital, that they probably need a bit of space

So what would happen in hospital?

Be shown how to bath baby, change baby, feed baby, baby put in crib or taken to nursery by nurse or midwife.
Meals brought by smiling domestic staff, cleared away.
Water jug filled.
Helped to go for a bath.

Grandmothers are, by default, mothers, and most would do this plus the washing, cleaning etc. because they know what it is like.

But if that's not what the new little family wants or needs then that's okay too. Fathers are now more involved. This is not a bad thing. Some new families would like to experience the first few days finding their own path. As grandmothers, we know what our own experiences were like but it doesn't mean our children must experience things the same way we did.

I'm not saying thst's what should happen necessarily.

A nicer message would be better, not just a terse announcement by text, especially as DM was so involved and needed just before the birth.
It's just plain rude and thoughtless.

I expect she's worrying there is something wrong.

You cannot possibly know what that young woman who had just given birth was feeling or going through when those text messages. You are assuming her tone and her intent with a second-hand account of her messages, lead by the feelings alone of the recipient. We have zero details, so to cast judgements such as the message could have been 'nicer' or that it was 'rude' is inappropriate. It's also worth noting that the OP is neither titled concerning the daughter, nor was the post about her worrying about the daughter. She as upset at the few birth details. You are going out of your way to assume the worst with the least amount of details possible. That's not a reflection of the daughter in this scenario, but rather yourselves who are criticising her.

You know as much as I do.

And do stop it please with your assumption and innuendo.
Why not RTFT?

I understand they want some time just the 3 of them, but then they could've sent you one tiny picture and an invitation for x day. Or they could've to.d you before the birth they were not going to communicate at all the first ?? days. Your daughter and her partner are very rude. So no YANBU feeling hurt

A photo and knowing the name that's been chosen shouldn't be too much to ask.

Perhaps they can't decide on a name.

DC1 didn't look at all like the name we'd chosen but I did decide (quite emphatically!) what her name should be two minutes after delivery.

As for DC3, we had two very opinionated small children vetoeing every name I chose 😁

They could say no name chosen. We chose youngest son's name but had to change it because my s.i.l. had her son a week before he was born and gave him the same name.

Callistemon213

You know as much as I do.

And do stop it please with your assumption and innuendo.
Why not RTFT?

Exactly, except only one of us is calling a total stranger about whom we know nothing 'rude' for not prioritising pictures and text messages after having been discharged from the hospital for two days. Given the limited information, decency dictates we err on the side of not assuming the worst of a young woman who has just given birth.

Smileless2012

A photo and knowing the name that's been chosen shouldn't be too much to ask.

Unfortunately, we don't know how the young parents feel about what their family or friends post regarding photos so there isn't enough information to say what is and isn't too much to ask. We'd need insight before presuming.

Also, it was a whopping 2 days after the birth that this post went up. It hasn't been long enough for the outsized responses here criticising this young couple.

Debbi58

Sounds like they need some time to bound and get into a routine. I wouldn't worry too much , it's early days. They will get in touch when they're ready

Doesn't mean they can't send a pic and tell the GP the child's name. That's just bloody rude.

Gone are the days of new parents inviting their Mum to stay for 1 or 2 weeks after a new baby was born.

Samlewis96

Debbi58

Sounds like they need some time to bound and get into a routine. I wouldn't worry too much , it's early days. They will get in touch when they're ready

Doesn't mean they can't send a pic and tell the GP the child's name. That's just bloody rude.

It's only rude to those who cannot see that their desire for pictures and texts shouldn't be a couple's priority after a birth. It's bloody rude to to think a freshly postpartum woman owes communications as she's adjusting physically and emotionally to this life-changing event.

newnanny

Gone are the days of new parents inviting their Mum to stay for 1 or 2 weeks after a new baby was born.

Yes. The days of fathers taking a week or two off from work to care for their families after a birth are here. It's a good thing!

Honestly, you wouldn't think that Gransnetters are, in the main, mothers, grandmothers , great- grandmothers 😁

Callistemon213

Honestly, you wouldn't think that Gransnetters are, in the main, mothers, grandmothers , great- grandmothers 😁

Agreed! Can't believe the vitriol some women spew toward younger women for daring to do what's best for themselves in their own postpartum periods. You really would hope such matriarchs would grasp the concept of other women having the freedom to make their own choices about their own postpartum periods, but alas it's too difficult for many.

As I said previously

Don't be hurt, Cookie04, they've been persuaded that this is the right thing to do. I hope you can go to see them all soon.

Fads change and pass as will this one.

I have a feeling of déjà vu, strange.

There is absolutely nothing (apart from being critically ill following the birth, which occasionally does happen) that would be so difficult that the new mum, or indeed the new dad, could let the grandparents know that baby has been born safely, and mother and baby both well, but tired, and that the new parents will be in touch again soon.
To ignore their parents entirely is indeed extremely rude, but more, it is rude. After I gave birth I was tired and sore, but certainly not unable to communicate. Most new mothers are in the same situation. They need rest, and time to get to know their new baby, but they don’t need to cut themselves off from family members. I have never known this to happen with all the family and friends I know. It was usual in my day for new fathers to telephone the grandparents and tell them baby was born, the sex, the name if it was chosen, and the all important weight was always religiously reported. Grandparents were then left to inform other interested parties ie family members and friends. It was normal. It was what was done, and unsurprisingly, it’s what the vast majority of new parents still do, although it might be a text message these days.
When my daughter had her twins, we were informed as soon as they were born and settled. We didn’t expect to see them then, but the invite quickly followed, and we were asked to go to the hospital within hours, and invited to hold the tiny four pound girl (I was frightened to hold her, she was so tiny) and taken to NICU almost immediately to see our new little grandson who was having some breathing difficulties (born early.) We were expected to visit every day, and expected to hold the babies as soon as we visited. We never pushed, we were expected. Most new parents want to show off their new babies, I did, and my daughter did, and my did when he adopted his little boy at two years old. He was instructed no visitors for three weeks. After one week he phoned us and invited us up. When I queried this, he said, no, he’s joining a family and I want you to meet him. We went up the next day. It’s completely normal.

My son did

maddyone

There is absolutely nothing (apart from being critically ill following the birth, which occasionally does happen) that would be so difficult that the new mum, or indeed the new dad, could let the grandparents know that baby has been born safely, and mother and baby both well, but tired, and that the new parents will be in touch again soon.
To ignore their parents entirely is indeed extremely rude, but more, it is rude. After I gave birth I was tired and sore, but certainly not unable to communicate. Most new mothers are in the same situation. They need rest, and time to get to know their new baby, but they don’t need to cut themselves off from family members. I have never known this to happen with all the family and friends I know. It was usual in my day for new fathers to telephone the grandparents and tell them baby was born, the sex, the name if it was chosen, and the all important weight was always religiously reported. Grandparents were then left to inform other interested parties ie family members and friends. It was normal. It was what was done, and unsurprisingly, it’s what the vast majority of new parents still do, although it might be a text message these days.
When my daughter had her twins, we were informed as soon as they were born and settled. We didn’t expect to see them then, but the invite quickly followed, and we were asked to go to the hospital within hours, and invited to hold the tiny four pound girl (I was frightened to hold her, she was so tiny) and taken to NICU almost immediately to see our new little grandson who was having some breathing difficulties (born early.) We were expected to visit every day, and expected to hold the babies as soon as we visited. We never pushed, we were expected. Most new parents want to show off their new babies, I did, and my daughter did, and my did when he adopted his little boy at two years old. He was instructed no visitors for three weeks. After one week he phoned us and invited us up. When I queried this, he said, no, he’s joining a family and I want you to meet him. We went up the next day. It’s completely normal.

And what’s quote normal for some is dreadful for others. The new parents have texted that baby is here and both are doing well. Then they have not responded to further calls and texts asking for more. They’re allowed to share or. Not share anything they like. They’re allowed to not want to give
Grandma details for her to share about. Perhaps they want to share themselves when the time comes. And they’re allowed to view family differently and say yes this baby has made THEM a family. And the grandparents and everyone is extended family so they can, as I tell my grands at times “get what they get and not throw a fit “

Callistemon213

As I said previously

Don't be hurt, Cookie04, they've been persuaded that this is the right thing to do. I hope you can go to see them all soon.

Fads change and pass as will this one.

Considering this “fad”
Is wonderful for recovering mothers and babies let’s hope not. My youngest
Was born nearly 30years ago and aside from the family member who was minding our other children we told absolutely no one she’d even arrived for a week - it was a wonderful secret to keep and by far my most relaxing od recoveries.