Daughter &Husband won’t let anyone see newborn

I,m sure I wasn,t the only new mum who had visitors who only wanted to hold the baby and get tea and biscuits regularly on demand ! One of my sisters ,no matter how often she was told,would kick the wheel on the pram or bump against the Moses basket to wake the sleeping baby ….then sweep in to grab her before I could calm her back to sleep. My fault apparently because I was back at work when baby was 8 days old so the “cuddle time “ was restricted. A lot of visitors aren’t interested in the mum ,they just want their mitts on a newborn! I have a very close family so if mine could irritate me I dread to think what other families would do .Their baby ,their choice.

When my oldest children were born it was common practice for mums and new babies to stay in hospital for several days. There were restricted visiting times.

Nowadays new mums often don't have that cushion of 'protected' time. I wonder if this is why people are advised to instigate "bonding time" and not have relatives visiting for the first few days.

eazybee

Umm.
10 pages of responses in 2 days, but none that I can see from the OP.
I wonder...?

She responded earlier.

Thank you rafichagran and NotSpaghetti.
Ofourse it was a difficult time but it’s long gone now and all three are grown and busy with their own lives.
Of course the worries never go away, as some of you know we’re having a very difficult and distressing time over our daughter’s difficult divorce and associated difficulties, but then we all have ups and downs with our children as they grow. It’s one reason I can’t see the point in creating difficulties when a new baby arrives. Just celebrate and enjoy the occasion, that’s my opinion.

When my daughter came home with her newborn twins, prematurely born six weeks early, we were there every day at her request. She pumped so the babies could be fed together, and so we were feeding, changing, bathing, cleaning the house, doing laundry, cooking meals. Everything. And my parents came down to see them when they were a couple of months old, and my in laws came down when they were five months old. Of course they just cuddling as they were great grandparents, but it’s what family does.

maddyone it's what your family did

No one else must live up to that

It's true every family is different.

When I had my last baby, I wanted my Mother to visit. She said she was too tired and didn't come til the baby was 8 days old. She only lived a few miles away and had her own car. She was in her 50's at the time and healthy, so no excuse. She just wasn't interested. Nor was the baby's Dad.

We just have to do our best. My Mother never showed a lot of interest. I would have loved and enthusiastic, loving Mother and Granny.

However, as a Granny myself I have been on the back burner due to geography and also would wait to be asked.

maddyone

^I don’t think bonding existed when my two were born^

Nor when my three were born?

Pretentious piffle

Exactly! I couldn’t have put it better myself.

I don’t recall ‘bonding’ being mentioned when mine were born, and I definitely think my mother or father would have been puzzled if you had asked about their ‘relationship’ with their grandchildren, or if they had ‘bonded’. They were just granny and grandpa.
I do think that perhaps sites like this can foster feelings of inadequacy or hurt if folk are reading about others’ close relationships with their grandchildren, and feeling hard done by if theirs doesn’t measure up.
I couldn’t tell you how long it took for me to see any of my grandchildren, just that for all of them it was in hospital, but I have no idea how long they had been home when we saw them there. I do remember sending the Bodach with assorted soups and dinners, and felt no need to accompany him.

Baggs

When my oldest children were born it was common practice for mums and new babies to stay in hospital for several days. There were restricted visiting times.

Nowadays new mums often don't have that cushion of 'protected' time. I wonder if this is why people are advised to instigate "bonding time" and not have relatives visiting for the first few days.

I’ve wondered this myself. Like you when I was a new mum we had several days in the hospital with time for just mum and baby without lots of visitors and I do wonder if with how new mums are sent home so quickly these days they’re being absolutely bombarded with guests. I know when I did get home even the last that. I wanted was a parade of visitors, well meaning or otherwise

VioletSky

maddyone it's what your family did

No one else must live up to that

Of course.
But why create difficulties?

I think new mums feel very tentative,.they are likely to be exhausted and not know how they are going to cope or how they want things organised. The last thing I'd have wanted was visitors who I thought might be judging me, especially my Mum who was always very critical and never really accepted I was an adult. I just wanted to get through it in my own way. It's a weird thing that people should feel they have a right to see the child as soon as possible. I was shattered after the births of my two , particularly the second who was premature. Could barely walk let alone make polite conversation with an elderly relative who was all excited about my baby

Hithere

Exactly VS

I would add "Baby and mother are doing well" may mean many things

1. Everything went well and the mother is recovering - however she chooses to do so
2. Something may have happened but that answer keeps additional questions at bay

The fact that no picture or name were shared and the OP hints at a close relationship with her daughter - something does not sit well here. Gaps in the background?

My thoughts are that there are parts to this story not being shared. Perhaps the new parents are concerned about baby announcements and photos being shared on social media or with others before they’re ready. What was the original posters relationship with her daughter and son in law like prior to the baby being born? She says they knew they would t be having visitors ahead of time - how did she react to those boundaries ?

Congratulations on the safe delivery of your GC Cookieof4 .

It does appear to be how things are done now. I don't think you are wrong to feel hurt but there's nothing you can do except look forward to seeing your GC for the first time.

maddyone

That is exactly what the parents who want a few days alone to adjust to their new lives are thinking about people harassing them to see the vulnerable newborn

Why create difficulties?

Because it doesn't have to be one...

I don't think there's anything wrong with asking for your child's photographs not to put put on social media. My son asked me not to and I kept to his preference.

I agree Onward and had we'd been in a position too would never have thought of doing so.

VioletSky

maddyone

That is exactly what the parents who want a few days alone to adjust to their new lives are thinking about people harassing them to see the vulnerable newborn

Why create difficulties?

Because it doesn't have to be one...

I agree with you VioletSky. No one is intentionally going out of their way to create difficulties. Every mom, father, and family handles things differently, and some parents need their space and privacy. As adults dealing with adult children, we should just respect their boundaries and trust the process. No birth is cookie cutter, no post partum experience is cookie cutter and we need to understand that and have a little more grace and compassion for our daughters and daughters in law and give them what they need.

But even keeping to everything he asked was still not "enough" @Smileless2012

Yes I agree we should respect their boundaries and trust the process, even when it means we are left out...

These days with more Father's having Paternity leave, it does make sense that they would treat it as bonding time as a little family unit.

I promise you, it's not about leaving people out or pushing people away... It's just about someone else's needs

Change your thinking a little and you can support the new parents instead and will probably be the first one invited into the bubble

annsixty

And respect for the parents who started it all in the first place.

What does respect look like to you in this circumstance?

New mum not wanting have visitors but doing it to please others?

Why is respecting the older generation at the expense of her needs/wants more important?

OP I’m sorry you are hurting, but the best thing you can do is wait it out. Hopefully they will explain their reasoning to you at a later time. I wouldn’t be so spiteful as some have suggested and refuse to babysit as some have suggested. Don’t hold out hope expecting to be asked for help either as others have suggested. They may want help, but they may want to be more self sufficient.

I wish you luck

I think if I'd given birth one day and was pitchforked out of hospital the next - I'd also want time to myself without anyone calling round, family or friends.

I spent 7 days in hospital after giving birth and was able to get used to feeding, changing and generally getting the hang of things. And by the end of the week, I was happy enough to have visitors.

Because I'd had that precious time to myself.

I honestly know no one who behaves like the OP daughter, I think it a fashionable thing amongst some people.
I have to say when people refer to bonding and my little family I cringe.

I pressed to early, in my friend's culture they say it takes a village to raise a child. Most people are grateful for help, and are pleased to show their baby.

Dickens

I think if I'd given birth one day and was pitchforked out of hospital the next - I'd also want time to myself without anyone calling round, family or friends.

I spent 7 days in hospital after giving birth and was able to get used to feeding, changing and generally getting the hang of things. And by the end of the week, I was happy enough to have visitors.

Because I'd had that precious time to myself.

I chose to be pitchforked out the next day but thank goodness my DP were at home, cooking my dinner, cleaning my house, doing the garden. All I had to do was concentrate on the baby.
With No. 2 it was 7 days in a maternity home (wonderful), DH had to work and DP were there again to look after DC1 and keep everything sorted out at home.
DC3? No help as DP were ill, MIL too far away and no help.
It was very difficult.

I still fail to see how letting close family know a couple of details about a new baby hinder the bonding process.

As for these mothers/mother in laws who would totally ignore the parents wishes, and snatch the baby, or immediately post a photo as soon as they got it - well, it sounds as if there are much deeper issues, which should have been sorted a while ago.

Assuming that's not the case, then why on earth would someone deliberately do that?