Children moving back in?

I moved in with mum in the transition between selling our house in England and moving to Scotland. DH moved on his own to start a new job.
I had the 2 small children and the dog. Mum was used to living on her own and she worked full time. We were obviously a burden and begged DH to let us join him at a friend's flat.
That friend is still my best friend 50 years later!

We have a second bedroom in case one of us has the flu but it’s really there for son if ever he should need it and I doubt he ever will. He did leave home and return to us and very welcome he was but can’t see it happening now as he is happy with his partner and has a good job. All the same, he has a key and walks in whenever he likes but because I think I taught him right, he texts me to let me know a burglar isn’t coming.

Really interesting reading all these responses. I think posting on here gave me the push I needed to have some honest talks wth my son. It is hard work, but the only way you can iron things out in a reciprocal way. He feels bad about having to be here, I feel bad that he feels that way. I think it is importnat to be honest and realistic.
For me there are positives: it is good having someone else around. We make it a thing that we eat our evening meal together. I don't mind the cooking. He buys food I wouldn't buy so that adds to the challenge! He can do useful stuff around the house, washes his own clothes etc.
The downsides? He drives me nuts when he hangs clothes out to dry all wrong. But the main one is that my daughter can no longer visit with her family due tohis taking over a bedroom- this is a real source of frustration as they are having to stay in a hotel when they come up at half-term, so the impact on other family members can be quite strained. Also I can no longer have friends over to stay, which I also miss.
A mixed bag then I suppose, but I know even though I knew it anyway, I am by no means alone.

My youngest son came back twice nothing major the last time to save money to buy a house. I loved having him and cried myself to sleep when he left the last time because I knew he wouldn’t be coming back to live.daft I know he’s with the most loveliest girl now and I shed tears of happiness now!

When we first moved to Devon we moved in with my husband’s parents for nine months - along with three of our children and our au pair. It’s one of the most precious memories we have and created a wonderful bond between us.

My own children all moved back home between university, travelling, weddings and house buying/renting. They were always welcomed home and still are. Nowadays they all have their own homes, but still come and stay for weekends quite often and all move in en masse at Christmas time.

When DH and I had our first house renovated we moved in with my parents for about six weeks. When we moved from Cornwall to Berkshire our new house wasn't ready for us and we had to camp in DD's house for about four months. Later, when she and her husband were buying a new house they moved in with us for a few weeks. After DH died DS moved in with me. He had no money and I didn't want to live on my own so it made sense. He had broken up with his partner so his ten year old son spends half the week with us,

We were lucky to have enough space for everyone to have a bedroom, sufficient bathrooms and a playroom.
But as a bit of a neat freak, and someone who likes everything in its place it was challenging.
I hope I won’t have to do it again, but i would never turn them away.

We still have 3 adult children living with us, 21,23 & 26! Hoping they’ll all move on when they’re ready. All pay something towards their keep and help a bit with chores, 1 has a girlfriend (not living here) who is a chef and cooks for us twice a week and always brings homemade cakes and desserts.

It’s chaos but mostly ok! However, not gonna lie, we will celebrate when they all have their own homes!!

I think there is a big difference between a port in a storm for our children. Somewhere they can come and rest and recuperate when the ship has been ship wrecked.

It is slightly difference when they just assume that your home and there home and they expect to be treated as if they were still children with free board and keep, house cleaning and laundry services and meals on request.

When my AC were at home I worked on the same basis as my parents did. If you are working then you pay towards your keep, even if the amount is nominal. My first job was a holiday job, I earned £6.50 a week - £1,50 for fares, and 50p for my keep.

I always knew I could go home when I was younger but accomodation and jobs were so easy to find that I never needed to.. I feel real sympathy for young people nowdays.. life is so incredibly expensive and competitive.. I'm really glad they have supportive families who are able to give them refuge when they need it. as someone pointed out earlier young people leaving care just don't have that safety net..

I agree a few house rules would have been an idea, but my daughter practically turned up on the doorstep with three children and all their worldly goods, we worked it out gradually, but it’s harder to make rules as you go along.
Also, the children need to know it’s their home, you can’t be nagging them all the time.

It's a long time since the last of our 4 left home but I think they all came home for a while after graduating though they probably have a different story. My DDs room is still as she left it and she stays in it when visiting.
The DGC are interested in the toys and clothes!
I know plenty of people who still have adult children at home. A sign of the times I think as they can't afford their own places.
One friend complains a bit and I tell her to charge him rent.
She even does his washing and cleaning. He has a job and a girlfriend.
He's supposed to be saving but spends far too freely IMO.

I think you should begin as you mean to go on by having a written agreement or they might never leave and surely they should want to.

NotSpaghetti, you have a point!

Sara1954

It’s actually quite nice to live with your children as adults, we have one daughter spending a night a week here for work reasons, and it’s nice to spend the evening chatting over a meal.

We have had this too.
Short stays of one or two nights a week of every night for a fortnight or whatever.

Very nice -but partly because it's not relentless I think.

I would happily offer any help to my adult children even though they are headstrong and like to have their own homes. I have a son whose marriage is somewhat shaky at the moment and I have asked him to come and talk to me about him finding himself a small studio flat which I will help financially for the first couple of months. I want no involvement in the arguments and bickering they are going through at the moment and am keeping my mouth shut. my daughter in law tries to phone me and for the last week I have not answered the phone to her. She has parents living near by so she can go talk to them. I would like my son to maybe leave her as she has said a few horrible things about my son to me, if I told him it would start a lot of trouble so I am saying nothing the sooner he makes up his mind to split up with her I will help him.

It’s actually quite nice to live with your children as adults, we have one daughter spending a night a week here for work reasons, and it’s nice to spend the evening chatting over a meal.

mumofmadboys

Ours are boomerang children. We are happy to be their safety net when they need help.

We feel the same. Our daughters have all lived in our home for short periods after University prior to their weddings. Where else would they reasonably live for a few weeks?

One daughter became widowed in her late 50s (children flown), she moved home a fortnight to pull herself together.

Much loved children living at home as adults - normal.

It would also depend on your lifestyle, have you downsized so there is not much room for another adult, is your health good enough to cope with returning family,it's not always straightforward. I would have my children back if they had problems but would like it to be time limited.

anna7
I understand how you feel, I think I probably look back at our three years through rose coloured glasses to some extent. The oldest child stayed on a bit longer, no one wanted to push her, but she’s now fourteen, and I have to say I’m relieved she left before the teenage angst started, love her to bits, and she knows she always has a home here, but sometimes, listening t my daughter, I think they left just in time.

I have my son and my 13 year old granddaughter living with us atm. He is going through a nasty divorce and he has custody of his daughter. (I believe it isn't called custody anymore but I can't think of the correct term). I am finding it difficult to be honest. My husband is in his seventies and he lacks patience sometimes with an untidy, temperamental teen although he does his best. No one is very happy at the moment, and I do feel for my granddaughter especially. Eventually my son will be able to get his own place for him and his daughter. I am glad dh and I are able to offer them a home meanwhile and help them out. I just hope we come out the other side with our sanity intact. We feel quite exhausted at times.

If I cast my mind back, I wouldn't have wanted to go back home to my parents, my leaving home was final. My relationship with my mother was good, but far more difficult with my father Yeah definitely wouldn't have wanted to do that. My children have always known they can count on us if they need some help, maybe we're all a softer generation, who cares, I go with my heart!

I felt I'd be too welcome which would have been just too much for me!!

I never felt I would be made welcome had I gone back home. Circumstances once pushed me into going back for a few months, but it was horrible, and mostly I just stayed at friends homes till I got sorted.
I never want my children to feel there isn’t a welcoming place for them.

As these entries show loads of our offspring come home for a bit of TLC when things go wrong in their lives be it relationship problems, lack of work, stress or depression. It is good to be there for them. That is one of the many difficulties for children in the care system when there is sadly no safety net.

We nearly had to move in with my parents at one point when we came home from living in America to no work and no home.

My parents were keen to "help out" by having us there - but with a young daughter and a 7 /8 month old baby I knew I'd be driven mad (and become spikey and ungrateful) after the first three days! I do know how lucky I am to have had such kind and generous parents fut I'm certain that not moving "back home" was the best thing we could do.

Luckily a friend was doing up a property for his father (which was going to be let to students from that October) and we were given the use of that whilst he worked.

We were both truly grateful for this (building site) and it made our return to the UK so much easier.
Thank you dear friend 🧡 you gave us the two months we needed to get on our feet.