Rejected gift AIBU to be offended

I had an impoverished childhood and mostly lived by the family motto of “refuse only blows”.

(The one exception being when my mum forgot my 13th birthday and when I finally realised she genuinely had forgotten (I initially thought she was pretending) I was really upset so she threw two shillings at me and told me to go and buy myself a card - I threw it back at her!) 🫢

I realise she is a child but I was always taught - Never deny the giver the pleasure of giving. It does seem unusual for a child to reject money. If you are on a fixed income maybe it was suggested to her before the visit not to take money from you ?

As for OPs gd. I wouldn’t rush to repeat, but would maybe have a word with dd, who shouldn’t really have just left the note on the sofa.

I only had one grandmother and don’t think I was ever given money by her. No presents either, apart from a book or similar for a birthday or Christmas. She didn’t ever take me anywhere either, other than down to the local baker shop for bread or rolls etc.
I have just remembered that she took me to the park once. Times change. It’s all about expectations and ours were low.

I agree BlueBelle.

*How absolutely rude, she is spoilt rotten by sounds of it and has obviously not been taught any manners. I wouldn't bother again after that, unbelievable and no excuses for such bad behaviour
What a nasty judgemental post *SWT you know nothing about this child or her family

Big old fuss about nothing I d have put the money back in my purse and said let me know if you want it later No idea what had occurred before the offer or what was in the little kids head at the time Flipping 8 years old give her a break mother maybe should have asked her why privately and let her know it’s always nice to accept gifts and told you the reason, but otherwise just move on it’s no big thing

It's strange behaviour on your DDs part. the GD is 8 so no idea what went through her mind. Eight Year olds are little whirlwinds.

You could just forget it and not offer again...or, as it has upset you, you could ask your DD about it all. It may put your mind at rest. I think "bad manners" and "spoilt rotten" how I hate that phrase may not be the issue. I think you should discuss it with your DD if you are able to without causing more of a problem.
I don't think other GNs saying what their GC would do or not do is helping in your case.
No YANBU to be upset, but you need to find out what's up.

So your daughter just left your gift on the sofa ? She didn’t even bother handing it back to you? She left it on the sofa and told you her daughter didn’t want it. That is the height of bad manners in itself . You have every right to be upset by this behaviour.

Your daughter should have made the child apologise to you. I have six grandchildren and five great grandchildren and they were all taught good manners and respect and were excited to receive money to spend as they liked.

It's possible that buying sweets is disapproved of .

Today , I sat in a local cafe having my lunch .
I ate very quietly and slowly and could not help listening to a mother , who constantly lectured her six year old ( I think ) on the dangers of sugar .
I wondered if had become an insulin dependant diabetic .
It was awful to listen to and I felt sorry for the kid .

Returning gifts to grandparents is rude and it's a shame that a
verbal thank you or better still , cards have gone out of fashion .

She might have been listening to the news or other adults about the cost of living and thought that (in a child’s mind) that you couldn’t afford it. I always may Mum whispering to me as guests arrived not to expect anything……..I remember thinking similarly when I was about 8, you start thinking about things seriously. I wouldn’t feel too bad about it.

It's the sort of thing my daughter would have done and I would have been mortified. Now she is much older it is looking like she is Neurodiverse.

The other thing that occurred to me is that during lockdown cash was considered a way of spreading Covid. Maybe that has stuck in her mind.

V3ra

How long were they at yours for? Maybe your granddaughter just meant there was nothing she needed money for on this visit?
Don't be offended! I'm sure there will be plenty of other opportunities to treat her in the future 😊

There's a fine line sometimes between our natural desire to treat them, and them ending up expecting it as a right 🤔
My mother-in-law years ago always took a present when she saw her first grandchild.
Then she'd get annoyed because his first words to her would be, "What have you got in your bag for me today grandma?"
We all pointed out to her that she'd created that expectation 🤷

My son started running to the door saying where's my present when he was young as my in-laws always brought gifts. I asked them either not to bring things every time, or not give them on arrival. I was really embarrassed but they brought it on themselves in my opinion. We had to stop telling him when they were coming as he got so excited he was almost unmanageable!
My mum put money in a savings account every month for my children so only presents at birthday and Christmas. I'm trying to do the same with my GC though I have taken the odd thing at other times. Hopefully they will appreciate it more later.

My two grandkids don’t use cash money ….so I transfer some pocket money from my account to their ‘Go Henry’s’

I have "step" adults" and grandchildren and no children of my own.
I think that the child was rude, only probably out of ignorance as perhaps a child of eight , re cash, thinks little and handles less.
She should have been quietly reprimanded by her mother for not accepting a gift- that being the rudeness. She'd get another chance from me , but only one, then there'd be no more cash treats.

I remember being given money by my grandparents when I was much younger than eight, do I can't agree that a child of eight is too young to have pocket money given her.

Your daughter did the right thing, presumably so she would be able to tell her daughter if she asked where the money from you was, that as she said she didn't wamt it. her mother had given you it back.

You surely know you daughter well enough to know whether she intends to tackle her cheeky little daughter about her rudeness, which may well have been unintentional.

In your place, I would not just stop given the grandchildren pocket money when they visit, but I would ask the children's parents whether they would prefer you to stop.

The child's behaviour may have come out of the blue, but she could be reacting to a discussion she had overheard between her parents. So it might be an idea to ask you daughter if she knows why your granddaughter pushed the money away saying she didn't want it.

I have an older brother and we are averagely close anyway the last couple of times I have put £20 in a birthday card or Christmas card he has promptly returned it to me. He always says I may need the money and keep it for myself. I find it a bit rude and it offends me that he sends it back so this year all I have sent is the card. I have not had a card from him so far. I am more offended that in the last three years I have helped him find and move house twice doing all his paperwork and helping with everything about the move now he hardly contacts me and rarely phones I find his attitude very ungrateful.

Have the children been told not to take advantage of you and she has taken this to heart even if the others haven't?

I'd be more upset at your daughter. My grandchildren would never turn down money and 2. My daughter would never hand it back and then say they don't want it! How disrespectful and hurtful. Was it because they don't think it's enough or.....?

i agree with janeainsworth.
sounds like a lot of self-importance dressed up as morality to me.

Just giving this more thought. I do agree the Mummy ought to have intervened, but she is 8. When my precious grand children visit I insist on perfect (almost) manners. Practice makes perfect. They use cutlery in the American style a I’m a stickler for traditional manners.They just consider me odd but do comply and will be aware of etiquette in any setting all because of eccentric Granny.
There is the saying - give me a child till they’re 7 and they’re mine for life. I suggest a Granny needs to start manners early!

FannyFanackerpan

I agree that it's your daughter who is the rude one here. Firstly she's not taught her 8 year old child the good manners in how to politely decline the offer of a gift. Secondly she's reinforced that rudeness is acceptable by answering as she did. I have no experience of any of my children or grandchildren behaving so rudely but, if it ever did happen, it would only happen the once.

I agree with this. The mother was really rude - no wonder the child has no manners. Donate the tenner to a charity that buys presents for children who have nothing - and tell your GC what you've done.

How absolutely rude, she is spoilt rotten by sounds of it and has obviously not been taught any manners. I wouldn't bother again after that, unbelievable and no excuses for such bad behaviour.

Could just be one of those people that says what she thinks as she gets older,watch out ! Remember 8 is very young,just give her an extra hug.

I agree that it's your daughter who is the rude one here. Firstly she's not taught her 8 year old child the good manners in how to politely decline the offer of a gift. Secondly she's reinforced that rudeness is acceptable by answering as she did. I have no experience of any of my children or grandchildren behaving so rudely but, if it ever did happen, it would only happen the once.