Adult son won’t leave home

Only one of ours boomeranged back for less than a month.
The others stayed longer and repeated the process!

My son is in his 30s and lives with us. He suffers with anxiety and low esteem and currently has a full time job. He pays us rent every month, even when he wasn't working. I do his washing and ironing when I do ours, but he cleans his own room and does all the washing up. I do worry for him but can imagine that putting him under pressure to move out will only increase his mental health issues. When he was younger he went to University, where he managed well looking after himself, although flat sharing was very hard for him as he found it difficult dealing with housemates lifestyles. I'm just hoping that one day he will decide for himself that he is ready to go.

Maryrose

Sorry to hear about your son.

The truth is: roommate life is hard for anybody, with or without anxiety.

He has to learn to manage and cope with his condition by himself.

Sheltering him from himself only makes matters worse.

Neen

P.s I personally left home aged 16 and went to have live in work in The Savoy as a chambermaid. But that was 1983 and things have changed

Me too. Ran away to London as live-in 'help'. Sounds awful. But it was on The Kings Road in Chelsea, by Sloane Square. Fab!

Before covid, I have seen 18 year olds leave home as au pairs to start a new life

I think the fact that people marry much later has a lot to do with it. 40 years ago sons and daughters were likely to marry in their early to mid twenties, having obtained a mortgage and bought a house first. That sort of forced a natural end to living at home.
But of course people also started working much earlier, so were in a position to buy a house when quite young.

The world has changed a lot.

OP does your son pay for his own internet supply? If not, then I would suggest changing the password, and telling him that he needs to get his own. I would also insist that as it's just the 2 of you living in the house, that he pays half of all household bills. If you rent, he must pay half the rent, half the gas, electric, water, council tax, etc. If he says he can't afford it, then tell him that he is now of an age where you no longer have a responsibility to pay for the roof over his head, and therefore he must get a job that pays enough for him to pay half of the living costs. If he refuses, then tell him that you are giving him 2 months (or whatever your feel is reasonable) notice, to find himself other accommodation, and MEAN it!! Tell him that if he can't pay his own way then you'll be getting a lodger in who will. Maybe even go so far as to ask your daughter if she has some mates who would be willing to pretend to be looking at the property as 'prospective lodgers'. Do it while he's there, and introduce them as such. Maybe that will be enough to get him to pull his finger out.

GagaJo good times

Why don't you look at house shares in your area, and show them to him?
If you both look you may be able to find a place with like-minded people, so he could start to socialise with them!
I take it you live in a 2 bed property and that you'd really like the other bedroom to be used as an occasional stop over by the grandchildren, which I think is fair, but do you own or rent your home?
If you rent, could/would you consider moving at all, maybe closer to daughter?
Have you asked your daughter for help on getting your son moved out?
I understand the anxieties & depression, but I also think he has made himself far too comfortable at home, with your help, so much so that he really does not want to move out!!
In which case, you have to make it less uncomfortable for him so try limiting the Internet, tell him he has to socialise more & pull him out of his room - being in his room so much is definitely NOT helping his depression!!!!

Last summer I bought myself a PS5 so I could try to keep up with my four grandsons. They play Rocket League, Fortnight and Minecraft, but I love Horizon Zero Dawn. Now I understand how frustrating it is to be told to “turn it off” when you are in the middle of something! So pleased I gave it a go!

First of all, why do you want him to go ?
He is absolutely right when he says that it is really difficult to find affordable places to rent, especially if he is only working part time.
Social housing will not really be available as being single he would be down on the priority list and anyway, he would probably have to be classed as homeless anyway.
Is there any way he can up his hours at work or even get a second job? Is he claiming all the benefits that he is entitled to ?
First port of call for his mental health problems would be his GP , but you could always try contacting MIND and I am sure they will be happy to support both of you.

deadlines come and go because you don't enforce them!

It seems as if the real problem here is the OP’s concern and desire for her son to be leading a more active and sociable life. If he suffers from depression and anxiety then that may be why he is living as he is at the moment rather than simply because he chooses to. If it were my son, I would want to make sure he was well and safe whilst at the same time encouraging him to seek help and gradually enabling him to live a more independent life. Having said that I feel her son should be paying his way fully at home - if he is capable of working full time then he should be. He is no longer a teenager locking himself away in his room. The OP is enabling him to do this in some respects by not expecting him to contribute fully to the household. Some have mentioned that they either do not charge rent and board because they know their AC is saving for a deposit or they keep the rent and give it back when they move out. It doesn’t sound as if this is what this young man is intending to do though. I think the OP need to try and talk properly to her son ( if she hasn’t already tried to so so) and gauge whether he still needs support at hone or just needs encouragement to get out there and live his life. Not easy as I know I have ‘helicoptered’ my own children in the past and not sure it was always the right thing to do.

I don’t think the OP is watching.
She last posted on 4th October 2021

MerylStreep

I don’t think the OP is watching.
*She last posted on 4th October 2021*

I hate it when we don't hear anything more. It's like we're just hanging there, waiting to see what happened!

My husbands nephew was in his 39s when he left home, although at that point he had a girlfriend who shared his room. Eventually they decided they were able to have their own rental and moved out
My own husband was in his fifties when we married and he was still living at home... Possibly once he sees he can afford a place of his own perhaps he could kind of do a gradual move, if the rental allows this, you know like paint a room here, gradually move in things from his room, like a toe by toe thing.. Once he begins to actually enjoy being there... He may move in full time...