Adult son won’t leave home

They never really grow up until they fly the nest. I don't think it's healthy to live with your mother - as an adult. He should be working full time, going out and about socialising and building himself a truly independent life.

GranGran wrote:

"I do feel protective of him and not wanting to make him homeless, but he spends a lot of time gaming online and I feel resentful about his lack of engagement with me/ his household and life outside the home. I want him to move out because I want him to be independent and thriving in his life…. and I would also like to have my own space after parenting (mostly single handed) for 25+ years. The arrival of 2 small grandsons (my daughter is 24 and lives with her partner and babies) in the last 2 years has also changed my perspective hugely and I want to devote more of my time and energy to them, but I feel like I need to help my son to move on as a priority now."

Your son does not seem to be much a companion for you. He also seems to be reclusive, and unhelpful around the house. Are these sufficient reason to get rid of him and perhaps risk injuring him?

If it was me, I'd rather keep him at home where I felt he was safe. Maybe it is more of a priority for you to force him to be independent of you for his own good. I think the main thing to consider is the risk to his safety if you get rid of his presence in your house.

There seems to be a lack of communication between you and your son. True, you can't force him to communicate. The gaming would certainly annoy me and worry me as it would seem to indicate lack of attention to what matters. but on the other hand it is a good sign that your son has a part time job.

My guess is that he clams up about leaving because he can't see his way to finding accommodation he can afford, and he is afraid of you.

Caleo

GranGran wrote:

"I do feel protective of him and not wanting to make him homeless, but he spends a lot of time gaming online and I feel resentful about his lack of engagement with me/ his household and life outside the home. I want him to move out because I want him to be independent and thriving in his life…. and I would also like to have my own space after parenting (mostly single handed) for 25+ years. The arrival of 2 small grandsons (my daughter is 24 and lives with her partner and babies) in the last 2 years has also changed my perspective hugely and I want to devote more of my time and energy to them, but I feel like I need to help my son to move on as a priority now."

Your son does not seem to be much a companion for you. He also seems to be reclusive, and unhelpful around the house. Are these sufficient reason to get rid of him and perhaps risk injuring him?

If it was me, I'd rather keep him at home where I felt he was safe. Maybe it is more of a priority for you to force him to be independent of you for his own good. I think the main thing to consider is the risk to his safety if you get rid of his presence in your house.

There seems to be a lack of communication between you and your son. True, you can't force him to communicate. The gaming would certainly annoy me and worry me as it would seem to indicate lack of attention to what matters. but on the other hand it is a good sign that your son has a part time job.

My guess is that he clams up about leaving because he can't see his way to finding accommodation he can afford, and he is afraid of you.

Agree Caleo. The mental health issue rings alarm bells with me. Is there any way you could get more support from your daughter and partner GranGran? You say you want to devote more time to them...but do they need this at the moment? Your son clearly does, and I would be focusing on him first to be honest, then hopefully, the wider family won’t be disadvantaged perhaps at a time when they do need you.

Menopause doesn’t help does it? I do hope you can get some help with your sleep. My menopause was kicked off with insomnia, and I took magnesium supplements. Worked really well.

Take care.

Living in isolation and filling the time with internet activities is a good sign of depression at the very least.
If that is the case, no amount of helpful suggestions will make him feel like changing.
Unfortunately the only thing that might help is a visit to the gp.
As you have already said he wont entertain it, I'm not sure what you can do.
Please try to concentrate on getting g more help for your menopause symptoms.
This alone may help you to cope.

Hetty58

They never really grow up until they fly the nest. I don't think it's healthy to live with your mother - as an adult. He should be working full time, going out and about socialising and building himself a truly independent life.

While that is true in some cases, I don't think it's fair to make sweeping generalisations. I know several people who have remained in the family home, holding down responsible jobs, paying their way and taking on the care and responsibility for aging and ill parents when the time comes.

. "I know several people who have remained in the family home, holding down responsible jobs, paying their way and taking on the care and responsibility for aging and ill parents when the time comes".
The OP's son is not doing this though.

If he is depressed and spending most of his life in his room to feel safe how will this ever change?
If a young person finds it difficult to cope with the wider world then hiding away in mum's home is not going to help him face anything really.

I don't doubt that the son needs help but is there any help to be accessed? Going to the GP might be good.
Does the son have friends that he still interacts with ?

The problem is not so much living at his mums home as that he is hiding and not interacting with people and Life.

Hi Grangran Welcome to Gnet, I'm sure you'll get some good advice on here.
At 27 years old, I understand how you would like your son to move out from home and on with his life.
Also you want to spend more time and energy for your daughter and grandchildren.
Maybe a gradual approach would be attractive to your son, as in telling him he could come ñback to you at weekends so it wouldn't be such a shock to his system. This could help you too in the adjustment to your new life.
I hope it works out for both of you.

OP

You are enabling him - 10 pounds a week for rent? Wow

You need to charge him market price for renting a room + wifi + bills + his share of maintenance and cleaning in the home

You make so many excuses for him and it is hurting him and his future.

It is harmful to compare him with his sister, in the social aspect. It is an excuse you create in your mind to let him stay and perpetuates and worsens the cycle

He will learn to adapt and thrive in the world -on.his.own.without.mommy.

It worries me that you want him to move out so you can spend more time and energy on your dd and gc.

You can do that now, even with your son living there. What's stopping you?

Do you also have interests that are not family related?

I appreciate your son has a few issues that I have no experience of but you're really not doing him any favours by letting the current situation continue. I'd start a conversation saying I'm worried about him still not working full time so worry quite how he would manage if anything happened to you and over night everything would change for him. If you weren't around to pay the mortgage and utilities, take care of repairs etc. what would he live on. Best to start practicing now and place a realistic timescale for when you both think he could get a full time job, find somewhere to live that he could afford and you'd be there to support him emotionally. Far better to let him adjust over a period of time rather than get thrown in at the deep end if things go tits up. None of us can work part time with no other income and run a household even a small household, it's best to prepare him for what lies ahead as none of us know when it will happen. I wish you luck and hope he understands you're actually trying to help him.

pinkquartz

. "I know several people who have remained in the family home, holding down responsible jobs, paying their way and taking on the care and responsibility for aging and ill parents when the time comes".
The OP's son is not doing this though.

If he is depressed and spending most of his life in his room to feel safe how will this ever change?
If a young person finds it difficult to cope with the wider world then hiding away in mum's home is not going to help him face anything really.

I don't doubt that the son needs help but is there any help to be accessed? Going to the GP might be good.
Does the son have friends that he still interacts with ?

The problem is not so much living at his mums home as that he is hiding and not interacting with people and Life.

I agree with you.
I was answering another poster who made a general statement about adults living at home

Monica, we appear to be the same age. I lived with my grandma till I married aged 20, but up until then I`d never known anyone who left home before marriage, except for people in magazine stories. My BIL who I mentioned, left home to get married, aged 32, in 1966. After that, my only experience has been my own kids, one of whom left to live with his girlfriend when aged around 25, 3 others stayed till they got married, between the ages of 21 and 23, the last is still with me, she is nearly 58, but can`t manage on her own as she is disabled.

I think the problem stems from gaming. There are many young people that would rather be gaming than anything else, it is their social life hooking up with people online.

I think if you can get him away from gaming things will change. Charging him more for living with you would mean he would have to increase his hours or get another job where hopefully he will meet more people and develop a social life outside of his bedroom.

Same here at home until I got married, so were all my friends and I only knew one person who went to University. From what I have read large numbers of young people live at home as they can't afford the huge rents, this is certainly true in my family and friends families. I do think at 27 he should pay more towards house expenses and really have full time job if his mental issues allow.

My kids all paid a third of their income for board and lodging. They were supposed to put money in a box by the phone when they made calls, but it was always mysteriously empty!

Hellogirl our experiences are at completely different ends of a wide spectrum. My experience is of people leaving home as soon as they started work and living independently, both in my generation and my children's.

I like the facts, apparently 27% of young men aged 27 still live with their parents in the UK (probably more since the pandemic financial effects began to bite?)
www.statista.com/statistics/285330/young-adults-living-with-parents-uk-by-age-and-gender/
The good news seems to be that by the age of 34 they have nearly all moved out!

I think a lot of people in their twenties boomerang nowadays - go away to university, move back h for a while, start earning better money and move out, decide to do some further study and move back in, get a job and move back out, move back home to save for a deposit etc

The days when an adult child moved out with all their stuff and their room became the spare room seem to be gone.

You can do the council list on line these days,I do it with clients all the time , he may only be low need but he can then bid every week for properties, in his case bedsits and flats. You explain in the correct areas about his mental health and that yours and his relationship is suffering. If you do the form together and explain you need these self care boundaries as it's effecting your need for privacy and your own life now.

P.s I personally left home aged 16 and went to have live in work in The Savoy as a chambermaid. But that was 1983 and things have changed

Just to show this problem is far from unique
In the DT. this morning
SPAIN’S prime minister said he wants to introduce a €250 (£213) monthly bonus to persuade young people to stop living with their parents.
Pedro Sánchez unveiled a programme to help young people rent their own homes, a trend that has declined since the 2008 financial crash, which brought about stubbornly high youth unemployment in the country
The average age of Spaniards leaving their parents’ homes is 30 – four years higher than the EU average and considerably above the UK average of 24.6 years, although the age Britons leave home has also risen in recent years.

“ We must reduce the intolerably high home-leaving age among young people,” Mr Sánchez said on Tuesday as he announced his Left-wing government’s plans to reform the country’s housing sector, which include the introduction of rent caps in high-demand areas, where prices have been driven up by property speculation and tourism rentals.
The “youth voucher” is to be available for people between 18 and 35 who earn less than €23,725 (£20,190) a year for a period of two years.

Could you say you are getting tired of doing all the housework and meal preparation and could he please cook you both tea one day a week and ask him to do a certain job each day?

bonus to persuade young people to stop living with their parents

God that really made me laugh!

I see I have been in a minority on this thread, which is fine but I would feel frustrated if it was one of mine. one of mine is particularly lazy too and would quite happily let me wait on him hand and foot. When he comes to stay he is fine the first few days as he has been fending for himself but he soon reverts back to Kevin the teenager. It is the cause of much friction to be honest.

Reading this thread what emerges is that there is no single way of doing this. Personally I didn't ask my children to give me money because I didn't need it and I wanted them to save towards their own property. They all boomeranged partly because they lived and worked in different places. But they always knew there was space in my house.I'm wondering how the OPs son gets on with his sister and her children. One way of encouraging his socialisation might be to organise family events with all of you. If he goes out for meals etc with you he may develop more confidence.

Beswitched

I think a lot of people in their twenties boomerang nowadays - go away to university, move back h for a while, start earning better money and move out, decide to do some further study and move back in, get a job and move back out, move back home to save for a deposit etc

The days when an adult child moved out with all their stuff and their room became the spare room seem to be gone.

I agree.
Only one of ours boomeranged back for less than a month.

However, some of their stuff remains firmly lodged here.
I am going to be ruthless this winter.