Enslaved grandparent syndrome

I have five grandchildren under five, in three families. It was easy peasy and pure joy when there were only two but I must say trying to be equally fair to all three families is very difficult and very time consuming. I love them all and have great relationships with them. I’m just back from holiday and have come home determined to ring fence a couple of days a week to enjoy my own hobbies.

When offering to help it is worth remembering that what you are able to do for one GC might present a problem when there are 2 then 3 ... and in my case 7! How to be fair???

My exact thoughts luckygirl. Our first GS lived with us and we brought him up due to mental health issues with DD. He moved out aged27! Second GC we had 3 days a week and helped with school runs. After that they came along very fast and I now have 12! During this time my LH health deteriorated and I had to take the decision to take a step back. It did cause some issues. DS became defensive because we saw some GC and helped more and couldn’t understand when I explained DD unfortunately became a single parent, whereas his wife didn’t work and was a full time mom! Thankfully all is forgotten now but I have made it clear that I will always help out when necessary but since loosing my DH I have no desire to do full time child care. After nursing my husband who eventually succumbed to dementia I feel completely burned out. I would not have the patience or energy anymore. But I still love all my GC and enjoy their visit and messages. It really is a very personal choice.

I think its a bit of an unpleasant terminology but also a fact of life for many. My MiL does the daily school runs for her youngest grandchildren as well as looking after them a couple of nights a week and taking them on a summer holiday. I think it gives her days purpose and she loves being around them so it works.
My DH and I have GC but as we both still both work full time its not an option for us to help out except at weekends.
Many of us are having to work longer so I wonder if this 'enslaved grandparent' will not be a thing in years to come since we will not be retired to be able to do it?

In 60s when GS and GD appeared and had retired. Families not living nearby. No regular childminding but what I did was go stay with family and bring GC home with me for a couple of weeks and then take them back. They loved the plane trips. I don't think I would have been prepared to be a constant chijdminder. I had no parents availablecwhen my kids were young and I managed albeit stressful at times. Also husband's work necessitated him working away with no regular hours or schedule. He was able to book his days off but not his working hours. I do feel a lot of younger generation just do not know how to cope (or want to) with stressful situations.

I wouldn't have missed a second of helping out with my 9 GC.
Come September I will have a GS in his final year at College and 3 GD's in secondary school. I have a wonderful relationship with them and would have missed so much had I not been so involved. Their parents have been able to use the tens of thousands of pounds I have saved them in free childcare in other ways to benefit their families. It has kept me going and now it is all slowing down as they grow and become more independent, I will miss it.

We said we would be there when needed as we had no desire to commit to a set timetable. This worked well for us but their other granny went part time and had them one afternoon a week.
Now they have emigrated and realise that school holidays in Australia are totally different to here. Consequently other granny is there now for three weeks for child care and is booked to go again in January, their long holidays. We are going out in November, we hope, so will offer school pickups and support but we refuse to live our lives around the girls. Our energy levels are diminishing , especially OH , and our bank balance is limited for long haul travel.

Sarnia

I wouldn't have missed a second of helping out with my 9 GC.
Come September I will have a GS in his final year at College and 3 GD's in secondary school. I have a wonderful relationship with them and would have missed so much had I not been so involved. Their parents have been able to use the tens of thousands of pounds I have saved them in free childcare in other ways to benefit their families. It has kept me going and now it is all slowing down as they grow and become more independent, I will miss it.

But this thread is not about grand child care given willingly and with love. It is about grandparents, often ill and/or disabled being forced into childcare, way beyond what they can safely manage by threats of estrangement of or other by AC.

We get so many threads of this nature on GN. It is time this problem had a name. It is in essence a form of elder abuse.

It is time this problem had a name. It is in essence a form of elder abuse. I agree M0nica and IMO the thread title is an appropriate one.

^It is about grandparents, often ill and/or disabled being forced into childcare, way beyond what they can safely manage by threats of estrangement of or other by AC.

We get so many threads of this nature on GN. It is time this problem had a name. It is in essence a form of elder abuse.^

Grandparents have a choice. Not a nice one. Granted.

I would not be blackmailed by my own kids.
Not right behaviour, to be allowed or accepted.

It's enabling. Enabling very bad behaviour.

fancythat

It's enabling. Enabling very bad behaviour.

But often these grand parents are intimidated and scared of their adult children. often too they are grandparents who, as parents thought being a good parent meant giving their whole selves to their children supporting them in everything, putting their needs first, supplying everything they wanted, so that those children became like huge cuckoos devouring everything and seeing their parents love entirely in terms of them fulfilling tbeir children's every want.

fancythat

^It is about grandparents, often ill and/or disabled being forced into childcare, way beyond what they can safely manage by threats of estrangement of or other by AC.

We get so many threads of this nature on GN. It is time this problem had a name. It is in essence a form of elder abuse.^

Grandparents have a choice. Not a nice one. Granted.

I would not be blackmailed by my own kids.
Not right behaviour, to be allowed or accepted.

That's unfair. Sometimes it's not a case of 'blackmail', it can be a case of simply having no other choice, as it was for us.

I dont understand why you would have no other choice?

But often these grand parents are intimidated and scared of their adult children.

Dont understand how that works either.

often too they are grandparents who, as parents thought being a good parent meant giving their whole selves to their children supporting them in everything, putting their needs first, supplying everything they wanted, so that those children became like huge cuckoos devouring everything and seeing their parents love entirely in terms of them fulfilling tbeir children's every want.

That means the child got spoilt.
Clue is in the name.

I know someone who grew up like that in real life.
Her life was spoiled.
She is never happy etc.
Most people around her are not happy either.

Once that has happened, I am not sure there is any way back for anyone. I could be wrong.

fancythat

^But often these grand parents are intimidated and scared of their adult children.^

Dont understand how that works either.

Well I do obviously, but not in the childcare context.

I wouldn't be dictated to, or "threatened" with estrangement by an adult child
Absolutely no way.

There again, I didn't bring my daughter up to behave as if everyone should do her bidding.

Me neither MissA
Such entitled behaviour would get short shrift from me - grandchildren or no.

Let’s call it exactly what it is
Blackmail.

And blackmailers as we all know can keep upping the ante once they feel they have the upper hand 😮

You’d be either walking on eggshells or waiting for the second shoe to drop.

Bad choices in my opinion.

I suppose it often begins as most abusive situations do - slowly and surely, very gradual.
Before some grandparents realise it, their grandchilds need slowly take precedence over their own.

fancythat

I dont understand why you would have no other choice?

I'm not really willing to go into the actual circumstances, but lets just say there was social work involvement.

Fair enough to not saying, and to how it happened.

It’s the expectation that is the disturbing thing. We will look after the gc for particular occasions if need be but have made it clear that we can’t be childminders. The parents have accepted this, I don’t know what they truly think about it, but they don’t ask us to childmind. The other grandparents started off with a different viewpoint and in my view, have been utterly exploited and taken advantage of now. Of course, we all have free will but it’s an emotionally loaded issue isn’t it. I just don’t know how it’s come to this where some people are being worked into the ground looking after their gc in their old age. Their adult children need to think again, it’s so sad.

Just skimming through GN I get the impression that for every gran who feels “put upon” - enslaved is such an emotive term - there are at least 4 or 5 who love playing an active part in their grandchildren’s lives and close to the same name number who are sad because estrangement or geographical distance mean they feel out of touch or like “distant “grandparents.
Easy to believe the grass is greener.

We do childcare for our two granddaughters by looking after them every Monday and by doing any picking up from nursery they might need in the week. The Mondays are exhausting but lovely and it has got slightly easier now neither girl is a baby. They are three and a half and 19 months.

We know grandparents of seven month old twins who travel an hour and a half across London once a week to help the mat leave mum and they stay over. One is 80 years old and a little deaf and frail. Another grandma of a year old grandson travels once a week at five in the morning to a distant town to do a day and a stay over.

They all say it is beyond tiring but great to have the contact with the grandchildren. I am sure the sheer physical work would feel a bit like slavery if efforts were not appreciated and they were taken for granted.

Our grandchildren are encouraged to love and respect us by our DD and DSIL. The close bond we all share is worth a £million.