Enslaved grandparent syndrome

I think in Spain lots more families live as multi-generational homes so perhaps it’s more usual there than elsewhere. Of course it’s happening everywhere else too but maybe not quite so much. I’m pretty sure there are Grandparents here who’s retirement is being interrupted by daily school runs and holiday sitting small children. Mine are mostly grown now and not my ‘duty’ to be minding Great-grand children thank goodness.

I'm lucky enough to have been highly involved in my grandchild's life and have loved it. It's probably easier because I only have the one but it's been lovely to have been such an integral part of their life.

All changed now University beckons & I will miss it.

I should add that I did my fair share of holidays with Grandchildren and loved it when they were young and so was I, only in my 30s and 40s and not working full time then.

I was never factored in for regular childcare as at 57 I was still working full time so the parents had to make full time expensive childcare arrangements. Fortunately this was well in place by baby No.2 when we took early retirement. We made a choice (much appreciated) to chip in by then with their childcare costs so that we could enjoy our second home in Málaga. A win-win for all concerned.

I read an article in The Guardian when the Boy Wonder was only two weeks old and it resonated. That to be a grandma is lovely - not a surrogate mum. No feelings of exhaustion, resentment by me for regular childminding - just the bonus of spending time with them both (after school and weekends) doing the fun things. Lucky us.

Any country experiencing a combination of high childcare costs, demanding work hours for parents, and weak social safety nets must surely see this exact issue.

I think over here I've seen this referred to as "grandparent burnout" or the "sandwich generation" impact.

Retirement years are (for many) consumed by full-time, unpaid childcare to save their children nursery fees - and some doing the best they can to support their own parents too...

I have also seen a lot of this on here M0nica.
Grandparents, usually grandmothers, traveling across town early in the morning to handle school drop-offs, sometimes managing housework, cooking, or grocery shopping for their adult children and also doing after school school pick-ups, driving to activities, and dinner.
​Some are returning to their own homes really quite late at night.

I expect the term "enslaved" is quite a harsh one to absorb- but not being able to say "no" is very similar I think.

And no, I really don't think it will be mainly multi-generational families!

Yes - as much as I love my DD and grandchildren, I was working (although DH was early retired) and there was never a question of full time care. However, I was astonished at the cost of good quality nursery care, and whilst my DD was always in the financial position to ensure good quality child care, I realise that many millions will not be. We would almost certainly topped up what my DD could have afforded to get the best, but if we couldn’t have done so then I guess I would have somehow offered to take on childcare, rather than my beloved grandchildren going somewhere not very good.
As it was we provided holidays that couldn’t be covered (usually surfing in Cornwall) and emergency sick leave - mercifully very few.

There's a huge difference between wanting to do it and being pressurised into onerous hours, travelling miles and not being in the best of health. It very much depends on individual circumstances. The other side of the coin is the entitled grandparent prone to usurping and at times undermining the mother's position.

We have of course read about both on this site and on MN. I feel for both. I'm glad to have our grandchildren for weekends, about once a month and overnight stays in the holidays. Having said that to quote my o/h, he has 5, including our 2, plus a fairly new ggd. "I love them all very much but I have no desire to be an all consuming professional grandparent" We value our life together and individual interests and pursuits. I also get bored with too much chat about gc, I think there can be a tendancy with some gps as with the new parent to become one dimensional as to offspring. Whilst it's part of life, listening to it can become pretty boring at times.

Generally on GN we hear of grandparents driven to exhaustion by the demands of their children and threatened with not seeing their DGC if they do not. We do get overbearing MiL ones as well, but I imagine there are more of those on MN.

But when I read some of the threads on GN, 'enslavement' is the word to use and perhaps if it did come into currency, it might, just might, make some parents realise what they are doing and some grandmothers realise their servitude.

It has never been an issue for me. We live 200 miles from DGC, now down to 150,so any kind of childcare except in direst emergency - and that did arise on one or two occasions, and I responded - but no regular care.

What I will say though, the memories of our holidays with the boys are so precious, and they talk about them so often so I know they feel the same. We are not a family who enjoy stuff like Disney and that type of thing, but all things outdoors like walking, cycling, fishing and surfing etc and the memories are a delight. But you have to be fit enough to keep up!

I was a young grandparent and loved it. It does leave a gap when no longer required, more than with my children because they always stopped in constant contact.

In this situation, surely a person can only be enslaved[what a possible overexageration of a word], or exploited, if you let the other person do it to you.

Of course all the things mentioned in the op can lead to burn out. Again, if a person lets it happen to themselves.

Off thread a bit, but at one point in several of African countries, the mother's generation were decimated by AIDS & so it was very, very common for grandmums to be looking after one or two families of their grandchildren whose mother had died.Unimaginably hard, but many coped & I always thought they were unsung heroines.

I've read a testament or two from grandparents on this site who do feel enslaved, massively pressurised with veiled threats of withdrawal of the grandparent/grandchild/ren relationship dangling over them, blackmail is the trigger as to why they let it happen. Occasionally they undertake childcare with considerable health issues, cancer etc. Not only involving long hours of child minding and sometimes a lot of driving to the family home will be expected. These posters have sounded quite desperate and exhausted with it all.

Many mothers go back to work when their children are babies, which is far harder work than taking and collecting four year -olds plus. My parents did it for me, from for years onwards, and I think they enjoyed it, but not holiday care. I am very ashamed to say I took it entirely for granted, but my mother, having had to relinquish her career after the war, was determined I should carry on with mine.

I totally get this. We found ourselves in the position where there was no other option but for our son and little GS to live with us for almost two years. He was working, in a very demanding job involving shift work, and we were both working too, but somehow we just had to get on with it. Fortunately, our GS, who was only 2 at the time, was able to go to nursery full-time, even during Covid, so that was an enormous help, but it definitely took its toll on us. We were obviously happy to step in and help in what were terrible circumstances at the time, but it was exhausting at times.

I do think financial necessity has taken the choice away from many to be a SAHM. When my children were at school in the nineties and noughties, many of us were especially for the early years. Then the after school clubs weren't such a thing as they are now. Now it's so noticeable passing any junior school after 3.30 parents will be intermittently picking up their offspring up to 6ish.

I would love to be as involved with my DGSs as I was when they were younger but they grow up and we aren't needed so much. I'm quite sad about it but accept that that's life.

Enslaved describes a person who is forcibly held in a state of servitude, deprived of personal freedom, and subjected to the total control of another person. It emphasizes that a human being was reduced to property, rather than naturally defined by their condition.

Definition of enslaved, by the UN

Totally wrong word used in the op, in my opinion.
Doesnt come anywhere close.

In this case enslavement is a choice because we are all capable of saying no.

We do read on here about GPs being treated like unpaid servants aka slaves. Some go over and above for their families. If they don't feel exploited, then they're not.

We were never so involved with ours due to distance and circumstances although we were always willing to dash to help when required.

Now I'm widowed, and the 7 DGC are growing up (2 at university, the youngest started school) I seldom see them but when I do we all enjoy our time together.

I like to take them out for meals, outings and shows and we have always done crafting and gardening together.

I get invitations to their concerts - most are very musical.

So I'm definitely the fun granny which I like to be. 😊❤️

I offered to look after our first GC when D-I-L first returned to part time work, they had lost previous babies and were very anxious about leaving their precious baby with anyone other than me.

Since then we have been involved with looking after six GC (the other two didn’t need us) whether that be for work or weekends away for AC.

At one point we had my terminally ill mum living with us along with DD and GC. It was stressful at times and rather busy but honestly, we all gained so much from those precious months.

We are a close family, and they know that I/we will and do say no at times, they respect that and I/we do not feel pressured into childcare duties.

Luckygirl3

In this case enslavement is a choice because we are all capable of saying no.

Exactly.

DH and I have loved every moment of looking after our DGD (two days a week from 9 months old until she started school and now two days week after school and some days in the holidays. At no time have we ever felt taken advantage of and I know that our DD would fully understand if we couldn’t continue. However I feel sorry for those GPs who feel pressurised by selfish AC who expect free childcare. It’s not fair.