Cinderella - The Gransnet Panto!

(New Prompt...'Did I pass out?) (No, you went for a wee and a sandwich. Now concentrate!)
Audience ' Where's the fairy godgrandmother? We want her!'

In the kitchen, Cinders is surprised to see the Fairy Godmother appear - she realises it was the old woman she met in the wood. Fairy Godmother says she will use her magic to make sure Cinders goes to the ball in style, but first she will need some thinds to make a coach, horses, footmen to ride along with her, and she will magic her a beautiful ball gown and glass slippers...................

Meantime, Stepmum and daughters exit kitchen and return to ballroom in keen anticipation of what is to come..........................................

(Enter FG2)

FG1's a total phoney
Always was a one-trick pony.

(Wanders off muttering)
Glass slippers, my foot. Lizard coachmen. Dear, oh, dear, oh dear…

Sleeping Beauty:

Ugly sisters who are you kidding
As if the prince will do your bidding
There is the Trinian girl I fear
She really does have the largest rear
Where is Cinders where is the blimp
She really is the biggest wimp

(New Prompt..'that's on with Plot One, right? Cue the horse/mice..mouse, the dove and the pumpkin?' And the CAT? Whee!)

FG: Oright love? What;s ocurrin? Ad to sort out one of me other babes. Dose of the clap picked up on Xmas eve. Never learn do they. Now - do you, or do you not want me to sort out a frock and get you to that nightoutonthetown babe?

You never know babe. You might cop on. You could do with a fling to cheer you up. I got some condoms you could have, look.

Yessssss Oxon70! You've got it! Here's your chance to shine
Let's get on track. This pantomime.........
...has lost a wheel, we went astray
Now let's hear what Cinders has to say
She has the means, FG is here
The magic will make it all appear!

(Thank f**k for that......)

Cat - 'Lizard - what Lizard? I'll get 'im..........there. No lizard here!'

FG. Rifleing around in baronial larders etc
I know that Cinders will say yes
Despite the fact her hair's a mess
What have they go here in this cwtch
I've got to make do with not much...
A mouldy pumpkin that will do
I need team and coachmen too

Will somebody step up and play Cinders. Getting fed up with talking to myself.

Could someone smell Oxon70's breath - I have a feeling she went for a tipple when we lost contact with her. No? Hmmmmm.........Check her handbag - I bet she's been drinking Night Nurse again. Somebody turn that script the right way up - she's been reading it sideways for the last half hour.

(Prompt - to stage hand - 'Get that pumpkin on stage!')

(Cinders went to the loo - back in a minute.)

Stand-in for Cinders here. I can't stay long (babysitting mutter mutter......)

So, Fairy Godmother, will these mice do? Buttons should have emptied them from the traps, but they ought to come in handy if you don't mind them having a few lacerations around the neck....?

(New Prompt - 'thank goodness, the understudy. Now where was I....?)
(I refuse to answer some unwarranted assumptions!)

FG Right, we're on. I knew crimson had a few mice to spare. Lets see now, where's that bloomin wand. PoooooffffffffPoooooffffffffPoooooffffffff
Nice coach and horses eh Cinders?

Cat - 'And mee - and mee!'

Stepmum/ Voice from distant ballroom

That cat hasn't been too useful and is about to become redundant anyway. Suggest Oxon steps up as understudy to Cinders and lets Carol off the hook. (She has by far the most important job to do offstage)

(OK. Hang on a minute!)

Pouffffff the cat is now a coachman. Fit, eh? Nice butt.
FG slaps coachman/cat's butt and he shows his teeth and claws. But in a good way.

Fairy Godmother: 'hang on a minute - just need some new batteries in this wand. I've got some down my bra - I knew it was getting a bit low.' Fiddles with wand....

'Right! KAABOOOMMMMM!!!!! Oh, sorry, there's a bit too much charge in there now. Never mind, nothing will go wrong now, surely.....?'

Waiting still, I am a mouse
Sitting in this dirty house
Fairy godmother will you please
Make me into something with ease
Wave your wand, I will be a horse
You will find I can stay the course

Just how long does this method acting take. Here I am on stage in this old woman's disguise. I think I'll get back into my fairy wings cleavage and lycra look while I'm waiting. Ah that's better. (gives wings a shake, coachman/cat cheers up)