Cinderella - The Gransnet Panto!

Stepmum

Oh no we don't!
She'll poke her nose in and magic a happy ending! So where would that leave my girls?

Audience
Oh yes we do!
Stepmum
Oh no we don't!

etc etc........

Gosh there is Cinders working hard
for those ugly lumps of lard
Where is the fairy god mother
Is she still drinking with her brother
Hurry up I hear you say
Shutup and just listen to the play

Cinders: 'now where was I? Oh, yes - I need to GO AND GATHER SOME KINDLING IN THE WOOD!'

Cinders sets off into a clearing to pick up sticks and a frail old woman, draped in a dark cloak and hood, appears, limping and moaning about her bad hip....

Over to you, girls............

Stepmum
I now feel stressed and rather tatty
Where's that blasted Maserati
NOW - no more sitting on the fence
Bring her on, let battle commence!

(New Prompt - to Stepmum -'You could be wrong there...she didn't say that yesterday!')

On my bike and rushing out
To reach the ball and cause a rout
St Trinians girls will be so proud
To see their own upset the crowd

Oh gawd, is the the prince so fair?
Is THAT what made me fix my hair?
And wear my very sexy knickers?
And join the cancan's highest kickers?

Oh well, I guess I'd better try
To make a play for royal guy
So watch out sisters, here comes Belle
To give you all a taste of hell.....

(Sorry - didn't say what yesterday? Slight continuity hitch, is there?)

(New Prompt - 'Kindling? tell me where this bit is! I know it's Plot One, but I can't find it......' The prompt box is full of sheets of script)

Cinders is in the wood, gathering her Kindle kindling, and an old woman comes into the clearing, struggling to pick up her few sticks.........

The old woman is really the fairy godmother and she will foretell Cinders meeting someone who will make her happy, then when she goes, the prince and Dandini will come across Cinders, but pretend to be each other afterwards, so Cinders isn't put off him..........

....and, OFF WE GO!.......

I've got to go and babysit, so my patience is running a bit thin.......

But all the way from Australia, there's Belle on her bike!
So how about someone, somewhere waves a wand and Cinders can confront the Prince, Ugly sisters et al at the ball?

(To Stepmum - she said

"That poor young woman needs a hand
I'll give it with my fairy wand
Makeovers are my special trick
And all it takes is just one flick

But hang on just a tiny mo
Is marriage to prince the only show?")

Right - so could she do the flicking of the wand now and let us see if our Southern (Hemisphere) Belle can get the Prince going?

Here I am its Sleeping Beauty
Having done my princess duty
Waking up from my sleeping
Seeing the dwarfs and my prince weeping
I want Cinder's prince to be my fella
He will see I am the Bella

Buttons is sat alone in the kitchen, and says to the audience 'Cinders doesn't know how much I lust after her. She's the one for me, but I know someone really special will come along and sweep her off her feet. I saw that Justin Bieber hanging round the back door. I hope she likes a more mature man.....meaning me!'

Cinders enters the kitchen. 'What are you doing Buttons? Shouldn't you be grooming the horses and emptying the mouse traps? I've just met a funny old woman in the wood - she told me I'm going to meet a fine young man who will give me everything I've ever wanted, and I won't have to live with those horrible old hags any more.'

Stepmum

So here at last you greedy gel!
Turned up to make MY girls well jell?
You've had one prince, now want another
You're reckoning without their MOTHER!!

Critic: Nearly twenty hours and it is still Act 1. Is it the Ring Cycle or War and Peace?

The step mother is meddling
Hoping it will be her daughter's wedding
They are mean and nasty
Looks like they eat many a pasty
I will win the prince I will
See I can dance and sing and kill

You can't rush an art house panto like this......

Stepmum
I reckon you should know your place
You wanton! You should hide your face.
Buttons is good enough for you
So scram, skedaddle, toodle-oo.

'Art house panto'.........LOVE IT!!!

Tolstoy? Wagner? Eat your hearts out! Just filling a space while I have a think!

Cinders is in the kitchen, thinking about the young man and his friend, who she met when she was helping the mysterious old woman pick up her kindling stick in the wood. She really did like the man, although he didn't look like the fine, wealthy person the old woman had said she would meet.

All of a sudden, the Ugly Sisters and their mother come racing into the kitchen, showing off their finery for the ball, and telling Cinders she has top stay there and rake the ashes out of the grate.

Can we please get that wand waved and get them to the ballroom where Antipodean Belle is about to wade in? Do we give Cinders a moment to get there while Belle sharpens her nails in anticipation? Do we leave the ballroom on tenterhooks and say........Meanwhile, back in the kitchen?