Cinderella - The Gransnet Panto!

Audience: We want Baron Hardup.....we want Baron Hardup.....we want Baron Hardup....we want..........................

(Cinders is still in the kitchen, isn't she?..........)

He's behind you! (but awfully quiet)

OOOps - sack the Fairy Grandmother unless she gets Cinders here pronto! Has she arrived with her father?

Cinders (in the kitchen) - What the hell do I do with this bloody pumpkin?

...psssst...you there....prompt....shouldn't you be moving this script along? What do you mean, you've never done it before....get lost and let's have a prompter who knows what he's doing (men are so good at bossing women around - tee hee, or they think they are!).

(Enter Fairy Godmother 2, waving her wand)

Oh Cindy dear, what have we here?
A pumpkin coach – that's so last year.
If you're going to a party,
Nothing beats a Maserati.

We must do something with that dress.
It's not just retro – it's a mess.
When you have a royal date
The best thing is to copy Kate.

Are those slippers made of glass?
You'll slip and fall upon your… pass.
Let's have some rather nicer shoes,
Here's a pair of Jimmy Choos.

Now off you go and have some fun.
Remember to be back by one.

(Cinders hops into her shiny sports car and zooms off.)

I don't think that was quite right.
Not one o'clock, but by midnight.

(FG2 hurries off looking worried.)

(Prompt - you mean you want to skip the whole bit with the fairy grandmother and the pumpkin and the horse and the dove and ...........uh?)

Stepmum

My girls are up now and they're dancing
Twirling , swooping, cha-cha prancing.
So glad that Cinders isn't here
There's nothing now for us to fear!

(Prompt - ok, but I was looking forward to the bit with the coach and the coachman.........)

Audience/children: 'Oooh, look mummy, Cinders is so pretty. Can I have an ice-cream? Whyyyyyyyyyy? I want one now....waaaaaahhhhhh. I want a wee............'

Gosh I am just a little mouse
Sitting waiting in this house
When is the fairy godmother coming
Getting bored waiting here, humming
Barging past are the ugly sisters
Yuk their feet are full of blisters

FG "Scuse me babe but where we got to?
Feel a bit lost in this 'ere panto
Cinders last seen ironing dresses
Painting nails and curling tresses
Thought I'd let her do the bling
Before I do my fairy thing"
(slow down, we can make this last all day folks!)

(Prompt - help, I'm Lost...we seem to have two alternate realities here...!)

(Prompt - I've had enough. They missed the bit about the old lady in the woods with the prince and Dandini, and now all these bits of kindling are blowing round the stage. If they don't get back on track, I'm going on STRIKE for better pay and conditions, including a tea break - I'm parched)

(Throws script to the floor and stomps off)

He is clutching my Chlamydia and he's rockin' with Rubella
While seducing Salmonella, what a lovely, lovely fella!

While the rest of you have tantrums I shall make the best of this
He'll propose to one of MY girls then live in eternal bliss!

(New Prompt: Cinders is still in the Kitchen! This is Plot One, yes? Any one want a Plot Two as well? I'd like to carry on.)

It is Cinderella's entrance and the Prince pays her attention
The reactions of my darling girls perhaps I'd best not mention!!

(Didn't Cinders arrive a few moments ago , in a Maserati or did I imagine that?)

Backstage therapist: 'I knew I'd be needed. There, there....now tell me all about it. Why do you think Cinderella is trying to upstage you? Yes, I know she has a pretty dress, but you look so interesting in that teapot dress with lid hat, Salmonella. Just lie there while I have a word with the prompter - he's crying outside my door, and I think he's putting his coat on to go home. Oh, hello, Baron Hardup - I thought we were meeting at 11 am? No, I wasn't ignoring you, I've just got rather a full list this morning. Why don't you be brave and take a deep breath, then march onto to the stage as if....nooo, don't start cutting your wrists again - you make a good Baron. Come on now, have a cup of tea and calm down. I just need to divert this phone call from the prince - he's been talking to Max Clifford about a superinjunction and now it's going to hit the headlines...yes, prince, I'm sure it will not affect the ball, don't stress, take some camomile tea....oh, dear!'

(New prompt - grabbing alternative script - where am ? this is plot two, yes?)

Unhand my daughters, woman! My girls are very well-balanced and don't need counselling! (Well apart from the 4th one who couldn't make it here today - Hysteria)

Argument brewing in audience, last three rows.

'You speak to my kid like that again and I'll punch your lights out, mate!'
'Mate!?! Mate!?! Don't call me your mate - your kid just threw up over my boy's best trainers - what are you gonna do about it?'

'Sssshhhhhhh! we can't hear the row going on onstage. Baron Hardup keeps bottling out of coming on the stage and the Ugly Sisters are arguing about who looks the most attractive.'

'Security - can you move that family over to the empty rows at the front, please? Yes, you do need to sit there. No, I'm sorry, but these are the best seats in the house. Well, there's no need to be so uppity! OK, we won't take your photo while you're sat there. Well, how was I to know you've brought your girlfriends and her kids, when your wife is at home with the baby? Some people....'

'No, sir, we can't allow you to eat your KFC here - could you wait till the interval? I hate working at Christmas....'

A lot of the Audience - 'We want the fairy grandmother! We want the fairy grandmother!'