I spent 10 years doing hospital car volunteer 3 days a week and saw many variations of the above. (incidentally would he like to do that , good drivers are very welcome and it is very satisfying to help people to just think of their reason for g oing, not wondering how to get there on time) If I took the wives, before their husband had actually retired, I would hear of their worries and dismays and hopes that didnt materialize.
My best advice to them, was regarding the car situation. Where couples had had two cars, maybe one works car and another smaller one or whatever, and now needed to economise and just have one car, I used to advise them to sell both cars and choose another one to share. If they just sell one and keep the other, it is often regarded as "his"or "her" car and the other can be tutted at their driving, or not be comfortable if the seating isnt right. choosing another car altogether not only allows you to think about fuel costs, and how much you might use or need a car, but set you up in a 50/50 basis, which can then be applied to other areas of your life now you are both retired.
I would also be thinking well in advance about how your actually run your home and what jobs you do now but may wish to change, as your circumstances change. You need to learn those negotiating skills, so for example if you now go to a particular group or meeting , which has very poor transport services, then you need to claim that. So you might say, well I will always need the car on tuesdays, so is there another day you need it? That way you are both showing your acceptance of the change that is coming, yet at the same time, making it clear that your long established tuesdays are not going to change unless for some emergencies. When they start to say , cant you meet another time? etc you quietly but very firmly say No, this has been part of your life for 10 years or whatever, and the fact that he has now started to be at home on that day, is not going to alter your day.
Women are used to being efficient with their time and working out ways of managing to both run a home and a job and still manage to see friends occasionally. Sometimes you find men are so wrapped up in their job that for many years they have not bothered to have a hobby or cultivate friends , and are so used to the readily available work mates that they chat and rub along with, but have never actually gone out of their way to learn the art of friendship, with its willingness to give and take. They can sometimes think that the wives will just fill in that gap.
So I personally think it is worth thinking about having a week or two at home when they first retire, so that they can begin the adjustment, which to me starts with the immediate change that you are both equally responsible for the chores now, whether you choose to keep to specific things that you have always done or rearrange things. Which ever you decide upon, I would think what would suit you best, whether you will take turns day and day about to do the cooking deciding what to have etc etc. Dont under any circumstances still do all the lists of shopping and getting it all or they will immediately see themselves as entitled to do little or nothing. It is not the actual doing of the jobs that is the hardest thing. That constant planning of what to eat and who is going to be there etc etc, that is hard work. If you have done it for years well now it is not just your job.
So if they are decent and fair they will see that you need to decide how things are going to be done now and you can enjoy a new routine. How great not to have to have a meal at 6 or 7 pm or even be responsible for any meal if you have something on that night. Do your own thing. After years of being stuck to timetables and school and work times you can enjoy NOT shopping at the weekend and be able to on the spur of the moment go out for a walk or shove a quick picnic , buy a meal deal from Tesco and disappear off as you please.
Once you have had those few days at home, then I think it is very worth while going away for a few days. You might go to somewhere that is that bit too far to go to on a day basis and find a b/b as a base to look around from. That way you are not preparing the breakfast and so again it is helping to show the way things are going now and the changes. You might go on a course either together or separately, where you might rediscover the pleasure you had sharing something long ago. If he cannot think of anything he wants to do, I would suggest he goes on a cooking course to improve his skills, which will now be needed. Oh and of course, when it is his turn to prepare and serve a meal , that includes tidying away and washing up, not where he uses loads of pans and leaves the chaos to you to clear up, in the hopes that he will get out of it in the future!!
This can sound rather hard, but it is actually much easier to deal with it as it begins than let them think that shopping is done and food appears by magic . My husband was a lovely man and we got on very well and did a whole range of things together and apart, but I was surprised when he said he hadnt realized that I used to check the radio times and sort jobs out accordingly. I had begun that many years ago when my son was very young. My way of having a little control over my life, was to look at mostly radio 3 and then 4 . My beloved J S Bach, is very important to me, and I also enjoyed some radio plays and interesting talks. So I would not have a rigid pattern of jobs although they all got done. I would look at the timings and then make sure that I wasnt hoovering when Bach was on, or if I had a load of ironing, I would set it up and begin when the play was on, which allowed me to do the work but have something to enjoy too. In the beginning he found it a bit odd that I made the bed first today and tomorrow did the washing up first as it was noisy. But everything got done in the end and he then would join me by looking at the programme too and say he would go out and do that noisy job now before the play began. As a young mother, with no relatives near to hand, it was a way that allowed me to make the best of the situation and I still look these days and choose my times. Other people may think this is too rigid, but I can ignore it when necessary.
I think what matters most is that you both acknowledge it is as much an upheaval as when you first had a family, and by now you have probably had longer in the patterns so it needs more clear thought about how or if you might change things. It can be lovely to just suddenly throw down the teatowel and say come on lets go and have a pub lunch, or ignore all the jobs and make the most of the good weather. It is a big change and it will take some time to find your way to a new pattern to your life. With a willingness to learn and share, you can find a way to enjoy this time in your life. Sadly if there is absolutely no willingness to make an effort and to change , then it can make things worse. I do know an acquaintance who had said how she worried she was about her husband retiring, as he was someone who had become more rigid in his ways, and after 6 months of trying very hard she actually left him. It was a very traumatic time for her, and he typically, couldnt understand what the problem was! She is now very happily living on her own, and actually said that she should have done it before, but the point is she is making the most of her life and not being made sad and unhappy fitting in round his idea of what should be happening. That is not what we want to end up doing, but , in my view, better that than getting up every day depressed and knowing what you are expected to do, stretching into the endless future.
So, think for a while, work out what is important in your life, what you dislike and want to change, and give it a try. You could have more than 20 years of life ahead of you, so on you go, try that sailing trip, or travel all over with your bus pass. There is nothing nicer than looking out at lovely scenery, or enjoying a coffee in a lovely cafe, thinking what you would have been doing if you were still at work, and adding to the pleasure of the day. See you in a cafe or a GN meet up somewhere soon!
