Should I just go home?

To be honest I would be going home and keeping in close touch. Sometimes things improve when you do not actually live with someone. If you have real concerns about the 11 year old perhaps you should report it but that would be an absolute last resort.

An 11 year old with a sixteen year old boyfriend (over whom his parents have no control)?
Hmmm.
You are right to be concerned but I have no practical advice, other than perhaps stay if you are able until the children are back at school.

It's not the 11 year old too involved the 16 year old - it's her mum!
Messy. Go home.

I would worry too.
How does the 11 year old feel about having the 16 year old boy in the house such a lot?
They seem to be taking attention away from her when she might need it.

Can the 11 year old daughter come to visit you? Maybe for some of the summer?
Or are you afraid what might happen between him and your daughter - which would be odd but not illegal?

Eazybee you ve read that wrong it is a bit difficult with all the initials but it’s the grandaughter who died s boyfriend who is cosying up to the mother not to the 11 year old

As it’s the summer holidays why not ask the 11 year old to come and have a holiday with you and sit the mum down and tell her that in her grief she has transferred her feelings over to the young lad inappropriately and needs some help and grief counselling she may not realise what she is doing unless of course it’s more than you ve written

Yes I am perfectly aware of the relationships but my concern remains with the 11 year old who is or was considered to be the girlfriend of a 16 year old, even though some form of relationship is developing between the mother and this boy.
Seems to be a rather dysfunctional household and Grandma is right to be concerned.

I agree with BlueBelle, could you suggest taking the 11 year old back with you?
As for the other situation, M could be allowing herself into a situation where, if matters took a turnabout she finds herself accused of grooming the boy.

eazybee the 11 year old doesn't seem to be involved with the boy?
I don't understand what you mean here?

Genuinely confused. Sorry

eazybee

Yes I am perfectly aware of the relationships but my concern remains with the 11 year old who is or was considered to be the girlfriend of a 16 year old, even though some form of relationship is developing between the mother and this boy.
Seems to be a rather dysfunctional household and Grandma is right to be concerned.

Eazybee
Still wrong. T is the granddaughter who died. The OP wrote Ts boyfriend of a few months has become closer to M
No mention of the 11 yr old being involved with the boyfriend.

I'm thinking your daughter is depending on the 16 year old too much and he is likely doing the same as they are both grieving for your GD. I think the concern is for the 11 year old GD and yes, as we don't know the 16 year old boy...there might be concern from some that he might have influence over the 11 year old. It is natural that he and your DD would find comfort in him being around, to a point...but I think your DD needs to understand that she needs time to grieve with her 11 year old daughter. And to encourage the 16 year old to move on too. However that is tricky if he is living there? and he doesn't sound like he has a supportive family of his own. Continue to encourage counselling for herself and her 11 year old daughter.

When I was around 16 I had a boyfriend who, when we stopped seeing each other but remained friendly still turned up at our house regularly, even if I was out he would stay and chat with Mum and she would make him coffee and toast.I think his own parents were super strict and he couldn’t talk to them.
Staying overnight is a bit different of course. It may help your DD to have him around as a connection to her own DD. It’s all very sad.
Only return home after asking your DD if she will manage without you, an honest conversation has to be had.

Sorry for the confusion. BlueBelle has it right. The 11 yr old goes to her room when he appears, I think she resents him but she basically goes to her room when anyone appears M is not picking up on that. I have just got counselling for M (what a battle) 2nd session this week so I am hoping she will naturally mention the bf more than expected but that will take some weeks. I will offer to take GD home with me but she has so much arranged over the hols at home, she's in no danger of anything at home and I will keep in touch. I am worried because M will lose him too, he's a young boy he's gonna get over T, he'll never forget her but he will move on. I am also hurt, having given her so much support whenever she needed me. Losing T is also devasting for me, to be so coldly dismissed because I don't think this is appropriate and she wouldn't either if she wasn't grieving.

Leave and take the 11 year old with you for the summer.

Obviously needs her mothers permibut if the request comes from the child
More likely to be granted ?

11 yr old is not and never has been in a relationship with anyone - let alone a 16 year old - she and I would be at my house now if that were the case - rest assured.

Is it because he’s male that you feel so uneasy?

I’m wondering whether you’d feel this way if it was your granddaughter’s best female friend who needed to come round?

Is it that you feel your daughter is avoiding the reality of her own daughters death by making him a substitute or do you fear something sexually inappropriate?

I think it’s important to analyse exactly what it is that is causing you lost sleep. You are grieving too. As is your other granddaughter. I doubt very much that she has dealt with the death of her sister at such a young age and in such a short time.

And he will be in shock and grieving too. I experienced the sudden death of a friend at his age and it rocked the whole foundations of my world in a way that is difficult to explain.

I really think you all need some outside help and perspective, some really focused bereavement counselling if everyone would agree to that.

Just want to say how sorry I am for your loss Grammy57.

I hope you have people who love you who you can talk to.
X

PS. Pleased your daughter has counselling now.
Maybe your granddaughter would benefit too.

A lot of misreading here.
The OP was not very clearly set out.
11 year is not involved with 16 year old.
Deceased 15 year old was.
Mother of deceased is now becoming unhealthily enmeshed with 16 year old boy.

Sorry I took so long thinking and typing I didn’t see your following post until after I posted.

LATHYRUS3 - T's friends do come around and it's lovely to see them, they come to visit us. Over the 2 months BF now comes to see M we, 11yr old and me, are excluded he doesn't even try to be polite. That's why I feel like just going but feel bad that I won't be here if she does need me, I feel she's about to seriously mess up. Her husband left 2 years ago it was not a good split they do not speak even after this. I am also worried what he will do if he hears BF spends nights here. It's all added stress for me and I am beginning to think as my opinions don't matter to my daughter or my feelings apparently I need to start doing what's good for me. Or should I be rising above this given the circumstances? Arghh I'm driving myself nuts

ASTITCHINTIME - exactly what I am concerned about, especially as her ex is vicious

What a very sad and difficult situation for you. Pleased that your daughter is now having counselling, and I do hope she realises that her focus should be on her 11 year old daughter, who is obviously grieving and not getting the support needed from her mother. It may not be practical for your granddaughter to stay with you at your home, but it would help to have a break together away from this situation. I do hope you have other family and friends to talk to. 💐

It's not right for an 11 year old girl to have an unrelated male staying overnight in her house.
It adversely affects her privacy and dignity.
Also being able to relax on what should be the safety of her own home.
Let alone the other issues.
OP could you ring an advice line for welfare eg NSPCC ?
Talking to an outside body even anonymously may help clarify priorities.
All the best.

So - your daughter (M)'s husband left her 2 years ago and you moved in to help?
They had 2 children, (T) 15, who died 2 months ago and the 11 year old?
(T) had a 16 year old boyfriend who comes to visit the mother and they are helping each other to come to terms with the tragedy?
Reading between the lines you are beginning to feel your daughter's feelings are becoming more sexual than maternal?
Your instinct tells you to remove your remaining grand daughter (11 year old) and take her home, even though she may not want to go with you?

Have I read this right?