Sister becoming distant

My first response would be, oddly enough, to say to youu do not take what is happening personally. It is unlikely to be anything you have done or said or because she has for any reason become less fond of you.

You do not say how old she is or what her marital situation is. There could have been changes in her life that she wishes to hide from you anything from marital or financial problems to an inability for some reason to look after her house. Hoarding, for example, is a mental condition that sometimes develops after a trauma like being widowed, losing a child, marriage breakdown and perhaps the house is in such a state she doesn't want you to see it

It could be a deterioration in her mental capacity. Dementia in its many forms can have a very slow development path and at first it can be lack of enthusisasm for things that used to give pleasure, it could be depression or a host of other mental conditions.

Can you speak to another member of her family, a child or her husband? Whatever you do I would think it best to not raise it with her. Aging has many a nd strange effects.

Thank you Monica , she is 55 now and is married but it’s not a very happy marriage but has never been , it hasn’t just happened
She has 2 daughters aged 22 and 19 and all she wants to do now is just live with them as a closed entity if that makes sense

Could it be her husband who makes it difficult for her to maintain relationships?
A lot of people live that way, and their families have no idea how bad things are.
It might also explain why she is so invested in her children's lives. To escape her own, maybe?

I felt the same as MissA. Could you ask if she needs you not to mention certain stuff so you can see her?
You are her sister and she is yours, so there must be a way to make this work

Yes, and probably explains why she is distant with you. She is also just completing her menopause and this can also affect how people feel both for hormonal reasons, but does mark the start of older age and she may be looking back and seeing her life as unhappy and wasted and that life has treated you better than it has treated her.

I was talking to my sister today and she was talking about a close lifelong friendship (50 years plus) she has had which has foundered in the last few years because her friend resents the fact that my sister's marriage has lasted and been happy where the friends has failed. As my sister said, she has done nothing, the different outcomes of their respective marriages, never affected her side of a very long friendship with many happy memories, but the friend made it the basis of complaints and carps and resentment, until she dreaded being in contact with her.

It is difficult, but the main thing is for you to see this as being a problem that your sister has to which you are not contributory.

Hi misadventure
Yes she does claim that her husband is not keen on having visitors but that wouldn’t explain the lack of texts , phone calls etc ?

Well, I'm just thinking that she may just be hinting at something a bit more controlling, or perhaps it has been a gradual thing - so gradual or subtle that she herself doesn't realise?
Maybe it's totally wrong and he has nothing whatsoever to do with it.
It's just a thought, if he perhaps sulks if she is on the phone for a while, or wants to know exactly what was said.
It can make it an ordeal, little by little.
Has he retired in the last few years?

Notjustaprettyface, sometimes, our lives and experiences just go in very different directions, until we have little in common.

I feel that I've really really grown apart from my sister and we now live in totally different worlds. I find her comments and attitudes so annoying. It's as if she became set in her ways and opinions in her thirties and now seeks agreement with her views and actions - that I just can't give.

So, not wishing to argue, I keep it short and sweet, avoid talking about so many things and I'm anxious to end conversations. It's sad.

Your comments are really pertinent Monica but what’s to be done ?

Helo misadventure
No he’s retiring next year

Interesting, this thread is not unlike the other thread here about how close friend has stopped being... well a close friend..

be it family or non family, I fear this covid has changed people a great deal,, I do wonder if there is something in the air of the virus... but no doubt you will all pooh! pooh! that idea..

time will tell...

have so many of us shut down? after the lockups?

I too think that if your brother-in-law is not keen on having visitors, he may well be making it difficult for your sister to talk on the phone or text you.

Could you possibly phone your sister at a time when her husband is likely to be at work?

I have a similar situation with a young woman I know - she never has time to talk if her husband is in the flat, but talks the hind legs of a donkey on the phone when he isn't.

Could you perhaps lightly say next time you phone your sister, "You know, I get the feeling that I choose the most inconvenient times to phone you. When would it suit you better to talk?"

If you don't get a straight answer, I am afraid there is nothing you can do right now.

When travel becomes possible again, you could try inviting your sister to come to see you, saying you know her husband does not care for visitors, or alternately arrange to stay at a cheap hotel when you visit her.

I wish I’d understood and been able to share some of these comments with my lovely mum, who (understandably) suffered for years when her lifelong-best-friend-sister jettisoned her when they were in her seventies. It was not done gently but brutally, because - I think - sister came under the influence of her own daughter.

So to all posters thank you all for the perspectives. And Notjustaprettyface possibly you can even appreciate that whatever the reason, your sister is at least distancing herself gradually. You want to make every effort to understand of course but I hope you can shake off the depression soon and find other pleasures in life.

Quite possibly in Covid conditions there is nothing new to say. As my son says ‘Same old, same old, different day’

As your sister's daughters are 19 and 22, do you think they are focusing more on probable future relationships and marriage. It may be that the sudden realisation that there could be an 'empty nest' in the next year or two could be causing some kind of depression?

I can totally understand the 'hoarding' possibility. I've lived alone for nearly 40 years and I don't remember my older brother ever coming into the house in that time. My fault, not his. I'm the one who doesn't want to be judged as I live in a very small house, am a hobbyist so lots of materials, etc. You would think a small houuse would be easy to keep clean, but it isn't if you have piles of hobby 'stuff' and I'm the type that if it ain't broken, don't get rid. And yes, I think it does affect your mental health. Perhaps you could try good, old-fashioned pen and paper by writing to her. It may feel less threatening and, if she writes back, she migh also open up more.

Maybe you could invite her to see you instead of the other way round and then if there is a problem with her DH she could maybe visit on her own. I know from personal experience that I avoid visitors to my home because I never know how DH will react on any day and likewise with phone calls, if he's around I have to watch what I say and it's impossible to have a frank conversation.

During COVID I've been doing a lot of 'keeping in touch' by telephone. And there are people who would feel insulted if I cut down on their calls. But quite honestly, I've run out of things to talk about! Maybe that's just what's happened here.

knspol that sounds desperately sad. ?

I agree with you polnan
It’s quite a disaster really

Thank you very much all of you who have answered my call for help
It does help , reading your comments and I am really glad I posted on this forum

Knspol That sounds a challenging situation for you ??