So upset by my domineering brother

Well, its not just that your brother dominates: its also that your sons allow it because it suits them financially.
They're all adults, so while I can understand that you're hurt, its up to each of them how they choose to spend their time (and your brothers money)

Apologies I I've misunderstood but my initial response to your OP was to wonder about unresolved sibling rivalry between you and your brother. Do your sons feel 'dominated'. I suspect I'd be pleased if I had a brother who was willing and able to give my adult children the kind of financial help your sons are getting. Having lunch with your brother on Mothers Day doesn't seem cruel to me, especially as your sons are taking you out for a meal in the evening. I expect many other mothers will be fitted in between various mothers in law. One of my grandchildren has 3 grannies, all of whom will no doubt get a visit. I'll be fitted in and be pleased to see them.

But it’s not a competition

Thanks for your reply MissAdventure?. I suppose what I should have said is that I found out about the house deposit gift on Tuesday this week and told my junior son how I felt as I’ve always tried to tell them gently that they shouldn’t feel that they have to accommodate my brothers life choices when they say that ‘but we’ve got to see **’ . So tonight I feel doubly upset as DS2 knows how upset I was but is still going ahead with seeing my brother tomorrow.

Surely you can share the love and pride with your brother? I’d be pleased if my brother was in a position and willing to help my kids out financially. His generosity doesn’t mean your sons love you less, they have an uncle who takes an interest and helps them out. Win-win in my book.

There’s no other mothers in law/mothers/grandmothers to fit in. We’re a very small family and I suppose since my mum died I’m the matriarch ?of the family.

Wish I had a brother like that, who would have helped my children, when their father and I divorced. I know money isn't everything, but it is something we all need to survive.
Your brother has taken on a father role, I suppose, but they are adults and he shouldn't be interfering in their lives.
There must be an easy solution to this....I know when I was in the middle of the divorce, all, except two of my brothers, kept well away. And may I add one of them was very wealthy.
They are lucky young men to have an Uncle giving them large deposits for their houses. I hope they appreciate it.
They are taking you out tomorrow evening.....you are their Mother and they love you.

We are going out for a meal in the evening as they admit they left it too late to to book anything earlier in the day

Accentuate the positive. Eliminate the negative.

I don't mean to make light of your situation, I can imagine how hurt you feel. ..but could you ask your brother if he'd like a surrogate daughter. My daughter has worked hard all her life, to make the success she has of her life, with no help from her absent father ..I would be absolutely over the moon if she had an uncle who could help her a little financially after all the hard work she's put in to get where she is by herself..

I would feel quite uncomfortable about it.
Its as if the money outshines everything else.

I'm honestly not being mean but, are you over thinking things? I know its my own worst fault, something small happens and then I sit on my own and blow things completely out of all proportions.

You have 2 wonderful sons and of course you are so very proud of them. Your brother has remained single but he clearly wishes to play a part in his nephews lives. Surely the more people who love our children the better.

Your brother has done a wonderful thing, helping your sons step onto the property ladder but, the fact he has more money than you, and is in a better position to help than you, doesn't make him more important and loved.

Try to look at the full picture, your sons are surrounded by people who love them and who wish to help them. Your brother does not trump you. Give your gift to them with pride, your sons will know that you are doing all you can to help them and they will love you all the more for it. As for mothers day, perhaps your lovely sons are fitting their uncle in first so that they have the rest of the day to spend with you. Don't see it as a competition or you will spoil everything for everyone.

Thanks Grannyben. I suppose I feel this way as my parents divorced when I was 4 (father was a wife beating alcoholic) and bruv was 1. I was absolutely determined to do the ‘right thing’ get married, have children and give my dear departed mum grand children/a great grand child. Bruv was so not going to go anyway near marriage etc.. I suppose I just feel that had Idecided to go the same route as him, there would be no extension to our little family. Thank you

Sazz, I don't know if you've ever discussed this with your brother, but perhaps he chose not to get married and have children, because of what he witnessed as a child between your mother and father. deep down he may envy your strength at taking the plunge and taking a husband and having children, but couldn't do it himself, but after seeing what a good job you made of it, and not trusting himself or fearing he didn't know how to be a Good husband having a rotten role model for a father .. he may take pleasure in giving to his nephews what he couldn't be brave enough to do for himself, and make a good husband , or potentially in his mind a good father, and now his only way to buy that love is to throw money at his precious nephews.. and help to provide for them with you.

However I do think he should be discussing all this with you before he makes decisions to give large amounts of money .

Is he buying love, or demonstrating it? A genuine question.

I have a sister who behaves in a similar fashion, but I do believe her interest in her nieces and nephews is out of genuine care and concern. She too has expectations that she will be 'first amongst equals', but then she's like this in business too.

I would like to be in a position where I had large amounts of money to dispense to family members, but I don't; however, I'm happy for the youngsters in the family that they have a 'fairy Godmother' who can sometimes make wishes come true. Enjoy your meal with your lovely sons this evening and explain that as their uncle has taken care of deposits you would like to help with their moving expenses or to buy their white goods or whatever.

Your sons aren’t children for you to monitor their friendships or relationships they must make their own minds up I m sorry but they may enjoy his company as well as his money especially if they haven’t had a dad in their lives they sound great lads as you describe them so I m sure they are not just mercenary but enjoy anither mans company
You can’t have beef with him because he chose not to marry maybe he never found the right person you sound as if you hold that against him when you infer you did the right thing
Let’s call a spade a spade you are jealous and I honestly can understand that I think we all would be a bit in your situation you seemingly brought the boys up really well as a single mum and now you feel put down to second place but I m sure you are not I certainly wouldn’t put any importance on them taking him out first perhaps they thought an evening meal more important to give you than just a light lunch ( I bet if it had been the other way round you would have thought ‘ they re taking him out in the evening I just get a quick lunch’
The money for houses I feel for you on that and maybe he should have discussed it with you as you were wanting to be the one to help them but it sounds as if you help in far more valuable ways as a practical mum and Nan
I doubt for a minute that they are putting any more love of their uncle than their mum that is just your perception
How many mums won’t even see their children for Mother’s Day how many never see their children at all you are one lucky lady and I bet if you were in financial trouble your brother would be there for you too Count your blessings

Normally I’m a live and let live type of person, especially as your brother has been so generous and appears to be a father figure to your sons. Kind of like him having 2 great children but not having had to do any of the hard parenting work?
However, to take them out on Mothers Day for lunch seems to be contrived out on his part, I know they should have remembered Mothering Sunday, but on the other hand so should your brother. It’s too late now, but I would have told them that you would like to come along as well, thank you very much and I would have trotted long too.
Don’t fall out with your brother though, because your sons will then have a difficult path to walk between you both.
Just look out for special occasions and get in there first, if your brother is going to turn this into a competition get your act together and don’t just sit there and let it happen, but do it in such a nice way that no one can fault you.

Oopsadaisey they ARE taking her out for a meal for Mothering Sunday, it doesn’t sound at all contrived do you really thing a bstchelor man with no children would know it was Mothering Sunday he probably just asked the boys to lunch and they not wanting to disappoint asked their mum out in the evening to please both parties they sound well brought up boys trying to please everyone

When I read this my first thought of been why are they all not going out for lunch together? Just seems to me that someone should just say let's all go to lunch, why wouldn't you?

But they are taking their mother out at night aren’t they? I’ve just scrolled up to the OP and yes, that’s correct.

I’d try to look at this in a completely different war if I were you Sazz. Your bother hasn’t any other family to share his life and wealth with and he chooses to give freely of his money and time to his two nephews. Good for him.

Try not to be jealous, hang onto your money and get yourself something nice, go on holiday, extend the house, get counselling - something that will make you happier.

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful replies, they are appreciated. I’m sorry if it came across that I brought them up as a single parent - my ex and I divorced when they were in their late teens and had flown the nest and their dad is very much part of their lives. I’ll look forward to our meal out this evening. Thanks again

??

Sazz that’s even better they have a dad who cares about them and an ‘overindulgent’ generous Uncle and a mum who adores them and will do anything for them
These guys have the world I wish I could say the same for my kids
Embrace it, enjoy your meal, and make a friend of your brother he sounds a useful and kindly guy
You re one lucky lady xx

Apart from the Mothers Day lunch with is thoughtless I don't blame your sons for keeping on the right side of you your brother. They stand to gain a lot of money in the long run. If that's by simply having the odd meal or drink with someone who they like and has always been part of their lives then all the better. I know this sounds mercenary but it's no hardship on their part and it seems that although your brother chose not to have children he missed out and has filled the gap by sharing yours. It's a win win situation for everyone. Your brother gets to have a relationship with his nephews and vise versa. You have a good relationship with your sons. Your sons stand to inherit a substantial amount of money and be financially strong at some point in their lives. Financial security is something we all want for our children.