So upset by my domineering brother

Glad you had a good time sazz

Hi everyone. I’ve just come back from a lovely meal out with my boys in town. We had a bit of a laugh over my brother and his weird ways and I told them that when they get their new homes I’d like to give them £*** to help them with furnishing/white goods/expenses etc and they were delighted and surprised.
Thanks NonnaW -maybe we should get my brother and your sister together!
MOnica, despite my hidden feelings, my brother and I have a very good relationship and I still feel very responsible for him(he’s younger than me) since his first day at school when he decided to do a runner at morning playtime thinking that was school done forever?. He is always included in our family get togethers, in fact he was complaining that he hasn’t had a decent Sunday dinner since New Year’s Day
when he came to me. Unfortunately it’s always down to me to arrange these meals. I/we have never had a meal at his house in 30 years. Ive cooked Xmas dinner every year for 40 years. I’ve suggested we go round to him and he doesn’t need to cook, we can just get a take away but he refuses. I think the reason is that if he comes to me, when he’s had enough he can say ‘right, I’m off’ but if we all go to him he doesn’t have much control!
So once again, thanks for your thoughts and insights but I have had a lovely day

Surely it is a sign of your success as a mother that your brother likes your sons so much that he wants to be so generous to them.

I have a friend (femail) who is unmarried and childless, and very well off and she dotes on her nephews and has channelled very large sums of money to them able to buy themselves a ahome. For one, who doesn't earn much, she bought a house outright. This is far more than her brother and his wife could possibly afford to give their children. But they remain on the best of terms and the nephews do not think less of their parents because they are not as well off.

Do you ever invite your brother to join you at family events when your sons are with you. I get a picture of a rather fractured relationship. If you and your brother could build, or rebuild a relationship together around your boys, then many of these problems could be solved.

DH had no idea it was Mother’s Day, and wondered about the flowers and card his daughter gave me earlier in the week when we looked after DGS!

I can sort of relate to how the OP feels, as I have an unmarried sister with no children who feels she has a right to be included in the lives of her nieces and nephews, not seeming to notice that our sister and myself did actually give birth and do all the hard work involved with raising children, she just has the good bits!

I doubt your brother knew Mothering Sunday when he ask them to lunch. They are in their 30s, old enough to accept gifts and meals without upset to you. Offer up something for their new homes, after they get settled. They will have many needs in their homes and gardens. Mostly, be happy for your boys.

I cannot understand why you don’t all go out to lunch together - surely it was easy enough for them to suggest you joined the threesome - or did they just want a ‘boys’ lunch? Your brother sounds a caring man and whoever suggested the lunch he would probably have happily agreed for you to join them when told it was. Mothers day. But being men no one probably realised it was mother’s day till after they had made the reservation - men are total dopes sometimes.
I am amazed that your sons could contemplate going out for two meals in one day - maybe they don’t intend eating for the rest of the week!,

Blimey oopsadaisey I don’t know one man who would know it was Mother’s Day if their wife /mother / girlfriend didn’t nudge them Most men don’t wander round shops looking about them they go to electrical shops/ gadget shops/ bike car places And are usually very single minded looking for whatever it was they came in for Wonen meander around looking and touching everything in sight Male/ female shopping is totally different I don’t think I d even get a birthday card from my son if his wife didn’t do it she even writes it and she knows my likes so presents are always to my taste it doesn’t mean my son doesn’t love me just that he’s happy to hand it all over
Don’t underestimate the gender differences a bachelor man probably has no idea it’s Mother’s Day

ooopsadaisy In my admittedly fairly limited experience, when men venture into shops it is not to gaze about, being side-tracked by all the marketing ploys and seasonal displays.
They stride purposefully and single-mindedly towards their intentioned purchases, buy them and then stride out again, job done.
Not everyone watches television.
I had no idea it was Mother’s Day until someone posted on GN about a Mothers day-related problem last week.
So it is quite possible, if not likely, that sazz’s brother didn’t realise today was the day.

Can't blame your sons for cashing in on your brother's offer - sounds too good to miss!

This does not mean that your contribution would not also be appreciated - ?perhaps offer to pay for solicitors/carpets etc - whatever fits your budget. I am sure that they understand your financial circumstances and will appreciate your kind though of contributing within your means.

By the sounds of your brother, he probably did not even know it was Mothers' Day. Enjoy your evening out with your sons.

Bluebell, yes I would expect everybody to know it is Mother’s Day today! They’ve had the cards in the shops since Christmas, next to the Easter cards and it’s been on TV for a month.

Perhaps your brother doesn’t even realise it’s Mother’s Day, sazz. Men are like that.
I agree with everyone else who says be thankful that your brother takes such an interest in your sons.
Mothers’ Day really shouldn’t be such a big deal. It’s only a day.

Apart from the Mothers Day lunch with is thoughtless I don't blame your sons for keeping on the right side of you your brother. They stand to gain a lot of money in the long run. If that's by simply having the odd meal or drink with someone who they like and has always been part of their lives then all the better. I know this sounds mercenary but it's no hardship on their part and it seems that although your brother chose not to have children he missed out and has filled the gap by sharing yours. It's a win win situation for everyone. Your brother gets to have a relationship with his nephews and vise versa. You have a good relationship with your sons. Your sons stand to inherit a substantial amount of money and be financially strong at some point in their lives. Financial security is something we all want for our children.

Sazz that’s even better they have a dad who cares about them and an ‘overindulgent’ generous Uncle and a mum who adores them and will do anything for them
These guys have the world I wish I could say the same for my kids
Embrace it, enjoy your meal, and make a friend of your brother he sounds a useful and kindly guy
You re one lucky lady xx

??

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful replies, they are appreciated. I’m sorry if it came across that I brought them up as a single parent - my ex and I divorced when they were in their late teens and had flown the nest and their dad is very much part of their lives. I’ll look forward to our meal out this evening. Thanks again

But they are taking their mother out at night aren’t they? I’ve just scrolled up to the OP and yes, that’s correct.

I’d try to look at this in a completely different war if I were you Sazz. Your bother hasn’t any other family to share his life and wealth with and he chooses to give freely of his money and time to his two nephews. Good for him.

Try not to be jealous, hang onto your money and get yourself something nice, go on holiday, extend the house, get counselling - something that will make you happier.

When I read this my first thought of been why are they all not going out for lunch together? Just seems to me that someone should just say let's all go to lunch, why wouldn't you?

Oopsadaisey they ARE taking her out for a meal for Mothering Sunday, it doesn’t sound at all contrived do you really thing a bstchelor man with no children would know it was Mothering Sunday he probably just asked the boys to lunch and they not wanting to disappoint asked their mum out in the evening to please both parties they sound well brought up boys trying to please everyone

Normally I’m a live and let live type of person, especially as your brother has been so generous and appears to be a father figure to your sons. Kind of like him having 2 great children but not having had to do any of the hard parenting work?
However, to take them out on Mothers Day for lunch seems to be contrived out on his part, I know they should have remembered Mothering Sunday, but on the other hand so should your brother. It’s too late now, but I would have told them that you would like to come along as well, thank you very much and I would have trotted long too.
Don’t fall out with your brother though, because your sons will then have a difficult path to walk between you both.
Just look out for special occasions and get in there first, if your brother is going to turn this into a competition get your act together and don’t just sit there and let it happen, but do it in such a nice way that no one can fault you.

Your sons aren’t children for you to monitor their friendships or relationships they must make their own minds up I m sorry but they may enjoy his company as well as his money especially if they haven’t had a dad in their lives they sound great lads as you describe them so I m sure they are not just mercenary but enjoy anither mans company
You can’t have beef with him because he chose not to marry maybe he never found the right person you sound as if you hold that against him when you infer you did the right thing
Let’s call a spade a spade you are jealous and I honestly can understand that I think we all would be a bit in your situation you seemingly brought the boys up really well as a single mum and now you feel put down to second place but I m sure you are not I certainly wouldn’t put any importance on them taking him out first perhaps they thought an evening meal more important to give you than just a light lunch ( I bet if it had been the other way round you would have thought ‘ they re taking him out in the evening I just get a quick lunch’
The money for houses I feel for you on that and maybe he should have discussed it with you as you were wanting to be the one to help them but it sounds as if you help in far more valuable ways as a practical mum and Nan
I doubt for a minute that they are putting any more love of their uncle than their mum that is just your perception
How many mums won’t even see their children for Mother’s Day how many never see their children at all you are one lucky lady and I bet if you were in financial trouble your brother would be there for you too Count your blessings

Is he buying love, or demonstrating it? A genuine question.

I have a sister who behaves in a similar fashion, but I do believe her interest in her nieces and nephews is out of genuine care and concern. She too has expectations that she will be 'first amongst equals', but then she's like this in business too.

I would like to be in a position where I had large amounts of money to dispense to family members, but I don't; however, I'm happy for the youngsters in the family that they have a 'fairy Godmother' who can sometimes make wishes come true. Enjoy your meal with your lovely sons this evening and explain that as their uncle has taken care of deposits you would like to help with their moving expenses or to buy their white goods or whatever.

Sazz, I don't know if you've ever discussed this with your brother, but perhaps he chose not to get married and have children, because of what he witnessed as a child between your mother and father. deep down he may envy your strength at taking the plunge and taking a husband and having children, but couldn't do it himself, but after seeing what a good job you made of it, and not trusting himself or fearing he didn't know how to be a Good husband having a rotten role model for a father .. he may take pleasure in giving to his nephews what he couldn't be brave enough to do for himself, and make a good husband , or potentially in his mind a good father, and now his only way to buy that love is to throw money at his precious nephews.. and help to provide for them with you.

However I do think he should be discussing all this with you before he makes decisions to give large amounts of money .

Thanks Grannyben. I suppose I feel this way as my parents divorced when I was 4 (father was a wife beating alcoholic) and bruv was 1. I was absolutely determined to do the ‘right thing’ get married, have children and give my dear departed mum grand children/a great grand child. Bruv was so not going to go anyway near marriage etc.. I suppose I just feel that had Idecided to go the same route as him, there would be no extension to our little family. Thank you

I'm honestly not being mean but, are you over thinking things? I know its my own worst fault, something small happens and then I sit on my own and blow things completely out of all proportions.

You have 2 wonderful sons and of course you are so very proud of them. Your brother has remained single but he clearly wishes to play a part in his nephews lives. Surely the more people who love our children the better.

Your brother has done a wonderful thing, helping your sons step onto the property ladder but, the fact he has more money than you, and is in a better position to help than you, doesn't make him more important and loved.

Try to look at the full picture, your sons are surrounded by people who love them and who wish to help them. Your brother does not trump you. Give your gift to them with pride, your sons will know that you are doing all you can to help them and they will love you all the more for it. As for mothers day, perhaps your lovely sons are fitting their uncle in first so that they have the rest of the day to spend with you. Don't see it as a competition or you will spoil everything for everyone.

I would feel quite uncomfortable about it.
Its as if the money outshines everything else.