What if ???

Good post. It made me bring the subject up with DH. We are both in agreement that, while we'll do our best for each other, when the time comes that it is simply too much for either one of us we mustn't hesitate to find residential care. I'm happy to be 'put in a home' and so is he.
In the event of extreme pain and suffering in either of us we'll take whatever steps we can to alleviate it.
DNAR notices will be put in our medical notes as appropriate.
Obviously, we hope none of the above will be required but we each now know the other's position.

Thank you for responding that you also think it is important.

We hope to be able to get help in our own home- so we can stay together as long as possible. But i do not want OH to have to look after all my bodily needs, wash me, etc- even though his professional life has prepared him for doing so, in many ways. And he would not wish me to do so either.

Where we live, it is much cheaper to have help coming in, or even living in, then going into an OAP home. I also feel very lucky that at some stage, we here have choices that sadly are not available in the UK.

We have discussed this topic and also the subject of DNR, I agree so important to tackle this whilst we are, thankfully, both well

We’ve also talked the ‘what ifs’ through and understand how we each would like difficult situations to be managed. There was much seriousness but also laughter and teasing, we got there and both feel better for having looked the possibilities in the face. ‘What would you want if?’ seemed the most helpful question to ask each other. The approach isn’t for everyone, worth it if you can in our view.

Yes, we've discussed all of that, and have advanced health directives in place. Neither of us wants to be resuscitated, and we both believe in euthanasia when the time comes. I know it will be hard when this actually happens - but at least we've talked it through, and any decisions to be made, will happen with insight into what we both want.

We have not felt a need for any formal discussion about this as these matters, as with almost everything else, arise in general family discussion anyway. I was discussing going into care with DD this weekend, cannot think what triggered the conversation, it was quite brief and then we moved onto other subjects.

Why do people make such a big deal on these subjects?

Why do people make such a big deal on these subjects?

I agree Monica. I think so much depends on the circumstances at the time, which are always many, varied and nuanced, that decisions about resuscitation, end of life care and so on can’t be made effectively in advance.

And sometimes people want things that are not only not in their own best interests, but very hard for those around them to comply with. For example, someone might be vehement in their wish to die at home, but this might put a great burden of guilt and responsibility on their family in carrying out these wishes.

Very pertinent at the moment.

OH has forms indicating his request for no CPR. So that bit is clear.

But here I am dealing with his bodily functions in a way that I know would have horrified him when he was "himself." I hover between treating him like a baby and trying to treat him like my husband. It is weird.

We did the P of A etc., and the DNR, but we did not discuss this bit of the scenario - so good advice from jura to get on the case while you are both well enough.

For what it is worth I found using the same sort of disposable gloves that the HCA’s in hospital and the carers who came to the house, used, made this aspect of personal care possible. I mentally “switched” into carer mode while doing the needful (including inserting cream for likes of haemorrhoids) and it became no big deal. I think Paw also felt more comfortable with that as he was used to it from the professionals.
If anybody has asked me prior to that to contemplate 24 hour personal care, I would have run a mile.

I think it’s worth discussing things in general terms. We have recently completed POA for health and finance with our sons. Funnily enough we suddenly got into a deep discussion about disposing of ashes yesterday (we both want to be cremated) and DH told me that he had often thought of where he would like his ashes to go and why. Somehow it felt right to talk about it and it clarified a few things for me too. I agree that circumstances can change and you don’t know what you will feel like until the situation arises but I feel more comfortable having an idea of the way DH is thinking and why. Due to DHs numerous and varied long term health problems we have probably been talking around issues like this for 20 years or more.

It’s very dismissive and unhepful to ask why do people make such a big deal on these subjects. You don’t - so what?We’re not all the same and we each will cope with these issues in our own way. This thread may encourage some to have a discussion that they had been meaning to and they now feel better for so doing. There are some wise words on this thread however and posters quite sensible enough to know that whatever is decided now may have to change in the future. Thanks for starting it to jura

I also agree with MOnica, there is no way of covering all potential possibilites, and being to prescriptive in advance puts pressure on your family/partner to try to fulfill a wish which might actually not be the best solution for whatever situation ends up arising if that makes sense?

"Too" not to.

I dont know what the future holds, so how can I say for certain what will be right for me?

I think it takes pressure OFF to say that its okay to take it as it comes, and do the best with the options on offer at the time.

It's not just husbands and wives but children too.

I have told my son I do not intend to ever be dependent upon him and/or his partner for personal and health care.

Currently in New Zealand, one is assessed to see if one is at 'rest home level' and if not, daily care in the home is started, or increased, as the case may be.

However, some people who should be in rest homes are not, simply because they refuse. In this case, doctors and social workers must become involved to assess if the person has to be admitted regardless of wishes. The situation must be very dire and detrimental to health, for this to happen.

So let your children know what you want too.

Bradford lass I agree. I think this is a situation where all should be involved. Strangely enough my dh and I made copies of all our relevant paperwork yesterday to give to dd1. We have also talked about the possibility of care homes and both agree we will rely on the other to know when or if it is time.

Good work jura2
This is an important thread. I'm going to have a ponder then start a chat with my OH. I have been quite clear on a couple of potential issues already, because I do think about these things. But OH wriggled out of the conversation rather than joining in. I get that it's harder for some people to talk about these things. I'm extremely pragmatic I suppose.
This thread has inspired me to have a gentle push towards a good chat. And then I can communicate the outcome with the AC.