Empty Nest Syndrome

I really feel for you dogs4me. I have not experienced it yet, but my DD and her son have lived with us for six years following her divorce, and I am very aware that they will move out at some stage. I know I will miss them terribly as having a youngster in my house is tiring but fantastic. He is a sweet boy and I know I am in for a hard time when they go My OH and I have a great relationship but we are a bit like ships that pass in the night as he spends a lot of time in his study or garage so I will be alone for much of the time. However this is not helping you. All I can say is, I think it will get better, especially if you are trying to keep yourself busy. I find being on here and face book keeps me well occupied and time passes very quickly. Do you have a pet? They are great company and medically good for you. I agree the weather does not help but you have the summer to look forward to. Come on here and chat lots, they are a friendly bunch (well most of them are ;)) and remember, it will get better xxx

Welcome dogs4me! It's a long time since my children left for university, but I certainly had ENS with one of them (not the others, strangely, although I missed them all). I recognise your description of how you feel, and it took me some time to realise what was wrong with me. When my father died a couple of years ago, I was interested to realise that mourning him felt exactly the same (makes sense, I suppose!).

I can assure you that these feelings go away. They fade, and it's a bit like when you have flu - you don't realise how down you were until it strikes you one day that you feel better. All I can recommend is that you have patience and try not to be too hard on yourself. YOU WILL GET BETTER. Things will not go back to how they were, but you will adapt, and who knows, you may find that there are advantages to whatever changes have taken place in your life. I do hope so.

Hi nanapug, yes I have a black lab and dont know what I would do without her. The trouble is I was aware my son was moving , buying his first home and tried to prepare for the ENS however, I thought I would be fine and then it just hit me with a bang it really did. My house feels too big and empty and I feel as I have lost my purpose as well as getting so emotional and tearful. People and friends say it will go and not to make big decisions at the moment. It gets scary sometimes and I panic about my feelings. I am on my own although I have 2 other sons and 2 grandchildren who I adore. 2 Sons live close by including the youngest who recently moved, but I dont want them to see me like this Just got to get through this. I long to be happy again. x

hi dogs4me if you do a Google search on the subject, you will find blogs, books and more. I did a search for 'surviving the empty nest' and loads came up. Reading how other people experience it may help you - apart from the support you'll get on here!

When mine left, I was still working and had other irons in the fire which meant that I was very busy and I think this is probably the answer. What are your interests? Are you involved with any organisations or are there some that you could 'try for size'? If there's a U3A where you live, I'm sure you'd find a niche you could fit into. I know that there's nothing that can fully replace your family but that's life. You owe it to yourself to find something you can enjoy.

I've got ENS and think I will have it for the rest of my life, one in USA permanently, one in London permanently and one prob moving to Far East. Some days and nights I cry, others I pull myself together and tell myself not to be pathetic. I keep telling myself it's normal for babies to grow up and become independent! Funnily enough my parents never experienced ENS at their own admission. Maybe we (I) have lived my life too much through children.
I do enjoy a range of activities and the company of girlfriends and have a lovely partner but have a feeling always that I am now not as "useful and necessary" as I was when they were young.
Gosh, reading what I've just written makes me sound ridiculous!

My mother was quite distressed when I first moved into a flat after spending a few months back in the family home when I had finished at university. She couldn't understand why I wanted to live "with a stranger" (female flatmate) in a much more ramshackle place than I was used to, cook my own meals, wash and iron my own clothes etc. She felt that I was rejecting her and all the care she had given me and that part of the purpose of her life had been taken away. I wrote her a letter telling that I no longer needed someone to deal with my laundry and change my sheets and explained how much I still need her love, her joy when I was celebrating, her comfort when I was sad, her support when I was struggling and her encouragement when I was achieving. I found that letter, all worn along the creases in her dressing table drawer after she died thirty years later.

Oh, absent that is very touching. And what a lovely letter to have written!

And - I clearly remember my youngest son "leaving" home. I was teaching, he was finishing university, and I had been accustomed to the summer holidays being full of him and his brother coming home to work for the summer, and a house full of of them and their friends. His brother had said that he wouldn't be home, and that was fine. DS2, who still never tells anyone his plans until the last minute, (even though he's now 42) casually mentioned in a phone call at the end of July that he was moving in with his girlfriend (now his wife and a wonderful woman) so wouldn't be home.

I was surprised at how sad I was; he'd given no indication at all! DDiL was so cross with him!

dog4me; Poor you; lets hope that gransnet can fill the gap a bit. My house has been described by my children as 'a shrine to their childhood' which doesn't help with the 'moving on' process [although they're quite happy to store vast amounts of stuff here as well so their houses can be more minimalist ]. The worst thing is the 'empty piano' that doesn't get played any more [I can sometimes hear it in my head]. When I had a bust up with my daughter last year there was a gransnet 'meet up' which I looked forward to for ages and it cheered me up enormously. This place wil help to fill the gap that's been left in your life. I found when I was completely on my own that the computer was like having someone in the house as well. Big hug!

Tegan, you've got it in one. It's good to have a whole network of grans to chat to, though it can be a time-waster displacement activity. You start a conversation and in no time there's a whole host of friends arguing the toss or chewing over their experiences. A lifeline when you're feeling low.

I think we can all empathise with ENS Grans and Mums.

When DH used to take our DS and then later, DD, back to University (never room for me to go to in the car packed with "stuff") I had to open their bedroom windows to let their scent and spirit go, usually crying as I did so. Then I stripped the beds and cleaned the rooms and started to come to terms, yet again, with the realisation that life is a long series of goodbyes to our adult children.

We raise our children and equip them to fly the nest and if they do so successfully, then we have done a good job. But it still hurts!

dog4me I know all too well the feeling you have and I promise you they will pass with time,rejoice in the fact that you have raised a strong and caperble person to go out into the world and a job well done by you.Come to GN and chat to us when you can.

dogs4me; I tend to leave the computer on [sometimes throughout the night as well] and either have Radio 6 playing or BBC4 [again that often stays on till it shuts down at 4 in the morning]. It makes the house feel less empty. On the plus side, my fuel bill has dropped dramatically and, when my son moved out completely I switched to a water meter and am now paying £7 a month. I'm hoping to retire in the next year and there are no end of dvd's that I need to watch and books I want to read when I have that extra time, in the knowledge that I can come on here and other forums to discuss them.

Tegan How weird you mentioned the reduction in the water bill,when DS2 last left home the reduction in the bills where massive,he was having up to 3 showers a day depending what he was doing or which sport he was parttaking in and the washing machine was never off with his sports and work stuff.I don't think I could afford for him to fall out with his girlfriend and move back home ? but made the problem simple by moving into a 1 bed apartment before he had a change of heart.I do love him dearly but at a short distance.

I joined up here today because I saw the thread. I am feeling desolate and my youngest hasn't even left home yet. My daughter left home a few years ago and I have two small grandchildren, I only see them three or four times a year although we communicate frequently, and I still miss her terribly, but my son is now 17 and is taking a Gap year this September before going off to university. We had to take him down for an interview at the school on Monday and ever since I have been miserable and having nightmares in which he disappears down a large black hole and I can't find him. It's illogical since I know that if all goes to plan he will be back every holiday for the next four years, but it is made worse in a way by the fact that he is so good! If he were a pain I should be more pleased to have a break from him, but he is lovely. They say that God made teenagers so that their parents wouldn't miss them when they leave home, but apart from a bedroom that hasn't had a floor for the past two years since I gave up tidying it, he is very good company and very considerate. I almost wish he wasn't.

Well, my son moved back home after uni and has only recently bought his own house [he's now 30!] so I'm sure your son will be coming and going for a few years yet. I used to cry myself dry before my daughter left for uni but she now lives in the next village along with the grandchildren, so things don't always get worse. I used to wonder if my sadness at my children leaving home was due to the fact that my marriage was unhappy [we split up when the youngest went away to uni so I was left completely on my own at that point]. Friends that had happy marriages didn't seem so traumatised by their children leaving home,

I am obviously an unloving, uncaring mother because from birth I greeted every step down the road of independence with relief and delight. My children leaving home meant less washing less cleaning, more tidiness, more time with DH and more time on my own.

Even before the internet and mobile phones we were always getting calls from them and ringing them and exchanging notes and even letters. Technology makes it even easier. I was on the phone to DD twice yesterday and no doubt later today when she gets home from work.

Contact with DH and family is mainly email, but again we are in touch sometimes every few day, sometimes several times a day.

Do not dwell on the negatives start planning for all the things you will be able to do when you are not the family skivvy and taxi service.

I shan't miss the taxi part! All those late nights hanging around in dark carparks... My relationship with my husband is fine currently, but I suppose I do wonder if he will find it enough. Our house will be very quiet and where I spent years missing girlie stuff with my daughter once she had left, now he is going to miss all the boy stuff. I know he will, because on the way home from the interview he turned to me in the car and asked if I would go along with him to his next athletics trials. I am going to have to show an interest in a whole lot of new things in order to keep us going - I need sympathy here because he is also into model railways, cricket, football, rugby, real ale, maths puzzles, classical and church music - I don't think he has realised yet how much he is going to miss our son.

OOh I so identify with you, my only son has just completed 4 years at university and is now doing an MA abroad, when he moved his stuff to Holland he said to me 'Mum, you realise I am moving out forever now, even for the university holidays I won't be home and at the end of the year then I need to get a full time job', and It had not realy hit me until he put it into words as the last 5 years have been full of comings and goings.

It is hard for me to grasp that he may not come home for high days and holidays any longer, his girlfriend wants him to go to her family this year for christmas - yes he has already told me that - I think he knew I would take a while to get used to the idea - so I am dreading a Christmas with just the three of us, me and hubby plus elderly/ancient father. Perhaps we will go away oursleves !!

I keep thinking, it could be worse, my daughter could be deciding to emigrate! But maybe one day she will. Or my son will. Best not to think that way at all I suppose, to cross bridges when I come to them, but the fact is - I never expected to feel this way. It has come as a shock. I think all I expected was a bit of a twinge as they went off to Uni, and that they would gradually just come home less and I would scarcely notice their disappearance. It hasn't been like that at all! One suggestion I saw elsewhere was to look at old photos - that made it worse!

Oh no; not photos. I've mentioned this before on here, but it cripples me to look at the old photo albums of when the children were young; in fact they're hidden away somewhere, and I have very few photos on show. I sometimes wonder if going cold turkey is the best thing to do sometimes; did it a couple of times, once when a relationship ended and again when I wasn't seeing the grandchildren. Removed everything from sight that would hurt me. Maybe the fact that you've realised how you feel now will give you time to re adjust your life before September? I don't think any men expect women to be interested in model trains, do they? I thought they joined clubs for that sort of thing. Diva; will you be visiting him in Holland? That could be good fun. And the relationship with his girlfriend might not last [?].

Absentdaughter went to New Zealand when she was 17; she was 30 last November. I love her and miss her conversation and companionship but I don't think I ever suffered from empty nest syndrome. Maybe that was because I was so busy with a more than full-time job and an elderly mother to care for and our house being the meeting place of the larger family (cousins, etc.)

It seems to be sons causing most of the heartbreak which is interesting and, to me, somewhat unexpected.

I found I always had contact on a regular basis with my daughter but whenever my son is in a relationship with someone he tends to disappear off the radar for long periods of time.