Empty Nest Syndrome

A few years ago my son had split up from his[then] girlfriend and he stayed with us for a few days when we were on holiday. I met him at the station and he looked so alone and vulnerable . He was a grown man but he was still my little boy .

You set them off but remain a sounding board and a safety net, that's how I see it, as well as a place for them to come back to......hopefully not for too long?

That's how it works for DD still, and she's just had her 30th! I still tell her she can come back if necessary - but keep my fingers crossed behind my back...

I am begining to realise there is a difference between being abroad... and being abroad.
There is the abroad that is quite easy to get to, and may not break the bank in airfares... and the abroad that is the other side of the worldish, takes multiple hours to get to and fro and therefore also eats up precious holiday time for them, and is super expensive.

Is it just me then who does not necessarily feel distance has anything to do with it? You can feel as close to someone -and no, I am not talking about Skype - who is on the other side of the world as you can miss someone not much more than down the road, but does not have time for you.

Closeness, family bonds, empathy are not dependent on geographical location. Granted I would love the DGC to be in the next village or even next street so that our lives were more intertwined and I could be of more practical help, but As long as we are a loving family, that close knittedness can transcend the miles.

True.

But here are two examples of what I am talking about. Neither directly to do with my family.

Example 1. A son could not get back in time from a long long way away when his mother was dying. He was several hours too late. He could have got back for that if he wasnt so many hours abroad.

Example 2. Many families cannot see their grandchildren anything like as often as if they were in say Spain instead of China.

I have a friend with family in China, Skype is her salvation. Yes, the travel costs are a problem no matter where you live. We have times when we have to think twice because of petrol costs, as does DD to come up to us. Her OH wanted us to come down to her surprise 30th party last weekend, and we did, but it meant that she won't get her birthday money until next week because being January and us being somewhat broke, and having to pay out for patrol and somewhere to stay, we couldn't afford to give her the money we know she needs to put towards a new laptop.

But yes, we are very close, I feel very lucky when I read some of the stories on here about estranged families. I guard my tongue around the DCs more as a result. And remember how I didn't want to see MiL for about two years because she criticised my housekeeping.

Very sad about the dying mother, of course. You don't have to live on the other side of the world for that to happen. It can happen the other way too. My sister lives in Canada, I lived 300+ miles from my father, we were both at his hospital bedside for 3days and nights before his death and holding him when he died.

My German grand parents were lucky to see us once every 2 years when I was a child. My Scottish grandparents lived in the same town, I experienced no close relationship with them.
Isolated examples do not prove anything. Just read the "Cut out of their lives" thread to feel the pain of mothers and grandmothers whose DC/DGC may live quite near but might as well be on the moon for all the contact they are allowed.
My point as I said was that closeness need not be geographical. Children need to spread their wings and going to university is one way of fledglings testing flying the nest before they fly away for good.

I spent Christmas with just the S.O. because my daughter lives just up the road and chose to spend Christmas with family members that they don't see very often. So, at the time of year when most people are with their family I was a complete billynomates. I often feel as if I'm just a nuisance if I phone her [and I'm not one to just 'drop in when passing']. If we lived further away I'm sure they would visit us or invite us to visit them .

for you tegan.

Closeness does not have to be geographical, but some other things sadly do as sarah12345 knows.

I felt like that with MiL. We lived fairly close by, so we weren't treated anything like DBH's family when they visited from afar. We would all be asked to stay for xmas, but they would get the best spare room, the best bedding, and generally be treated like royalty while we were expected to help wait on them hand and foot! MiL seemed to think we would be in as much ecstasy to see them as she was.

Oh dear <eek>

My only daughter emigrated to New Zealand when she was 17; she is now 32. I emigrated to New Zealand in May last year. I don't believe that any mother had a closer relationship with her daughter than I had with mine during those intervening years or has a closer relationship now we are just 15 minutes' drive from each other. Distance only interferes with the practical things not the emotional ones.

That is very true, but I miss being able to give my daughter a hug. She often needs one at the moment, so I worry, which makes me need one. It does really make me appreciate the few times a year when we are all back together.