Paternal grandmother

I think that as long as you are welcomed when you do suggest you come round, then just go with the flow. Saying something might disrupt things in ways you might not wish. They are probably busy people.

One thing you could do is suggest that you take GC to a panto, or some local event for children - something positive, rather than a "grumble" might be the best way forward.

Good luck.

thanks for your reply - yes, I do that and try to make it as much fun as possible so that they will have happy memories with me.

I would just carry on as you are. It sounds like a man thing to me. My DS never thinks to include us either, but then he doesn't understand the significance of remembering birthdays or Christmas. I have got used to this and don't say anything. He's a lovely boy (sorry man).

I think you are right - he's a very caring man and he would be hurt if he knew how I felt. Most of the time, I try not to let it worry me but the past few weeks Ive been thinking about it more and more.

If you talk about it, the subject becomes tense and "loaded" and that will make everyone uncomfortable.

I don't think you should expect to go with them on their "outings with the children". They are spending time with their children as you probably did with yours.
Just be pleased that you get to see the photos, and as for taking them to school, well it's usually a rush to get everyone out on time!
enjoy being a gran, you aren't their mum.

Oh that's not fair Lona! I would say something like, "You don't mind me always inviting myself round do you?" Just the gentlest of hints could be enlightening. They will probably say, "No, of course not. You know you are always welcome". And then you will feel better.

Or you could suggest that you take them out somewhere. Can you have them to stay overnight or just for the day? The parents would probably love that.

I agree it probably a man thing. Luckily my 6 youngest DGC are all my daughters' children although they are very fair about sharing them out. My son has older step children who see loads of their maternal grandparents because they've had them longer and we are rarely included. Thought, if I meet one of their boys in the village I get a huge kiss even though they are 16 and 12.

Its not a lot different for me and I am the maternal grannie :-) I remind myself that my son-in -law works all week so only sees the morning chaos or the evening tiredness, the weekends are for them as a family to enjoy, my daughter has just gone back to work after maternity leave for my second grandaughter so I am fortunate to have the hard work once a week 7 am to 5.00pm Tuesday shift, I text my daughter every day to ask if they are all ok and to let me know if she wants me for anything, sometimes I ask if its ok for me to pop down for an hour, she only works 2 days but on the other days she has other friends, family and dancing tots, music with mummy etc, in a way I feel it is showing me that she is coping well, I would be worried if she needed me all the time, x

...It applies to grandmas too I'm sad to say... My 2 GC live in Ealing (2 hrs+ from me) & for the past 5 years I have gone up every other Tue to look after them as my daughter went back to work.
I took them out to lunch, library & all sorts of outings & have built up a wonderful relationship with them.
It suited my daughter to have free childcare but never once in all that time did she ask me to stay for dinner....
But the younger one started school this week & I have no idea when I might see them again - they never come here.
It is like a bereavement - I feel so sad.

I am really lucky in that my DIL really wants me to visit on a regular basis. They live in London and I am 30odd miles away - but I try to go up on the train every couple of weeks - spend time with DIL and grandchildren, participate in bath night and storytime. Then my son returns from work, we eat a meal together, and he runs me back to the station to catch a fairly late train. I do feel that the maternal grandparents do far more with the children than I do, but they live locally - and I have always felt that what I call 'the umbilical bond' between mother and daughter is always the strongest.
My DIL and son both use facebook and the internet to send pictures and videos of my grand daughters too - so I do feel that I keep up to date with their progress and activities.
Guess I am just a lucky paternal Gran!

I'm afraid this is definitely the male brain at work. My brother, husband and 3 sons-in-law would never think of asking their mothers for a coffee and chat. They would say 'what would we talk about' or 'why'. They all have to be told by wives and sisters to 'call mum' .ask mum to lunch on Sunday' 'sign that birthday card for your mother'. They work on facts and they can see mum is well and ok so what's the problem.

Please call daughter-in-law and ask her to pick children up and have a coffee with her. I have 3 daughters and they continually moan about the opposite side to you 'he never calls his mum' 'he's forgotten to ask her to tea on Friday' 'Jill's called me saying is my son still alive?' Very frosty pub lunch as he hasn't spoken to his mother for 3 weeks etc etc. One son in law went to Russia then China on business and his mother only found out through my daughter.

By the way we all live within 5 miles of each other so distance not a reason. It's just if not in front of them or an actuall solid fact it doesn't compute. Good Luck. I am even now tending my mother-in-laws grave.

I agree with Lorna. Ive just had a baby and I have enough of my mother in law. She turns up when she wants to, 'offers' her opinion on everything, its all about her.If she has nothing better to do she justs pops round with clothes for my baby.Im sick of saying I can provide for my daughter.From the moment I stepped out the hospital she has been calling the shots to the point now when she pops round I wont answer the door.Its her way or no way. She got to bring her children up in peace, why cant I? My family wait to be asked and understand that I cant just drop everything to entertain visitors and as such they see my baby alot more.If my MIL gave me an ounce of respect as a mother etc instead of using my child as something to fill the gaps in her life she would see her alot more too.

it's all about her..... she pops round with clothes for my baby
Presumably her son's baby too?

I do try to keep my opinions to myself (I try to leave that to DIL's own DM ) but I am so glad my DIL is not like that regarding clothes for the DGC. I am sure you can provide for your daughter - she just likes to buy things for her new granddaughter!
Perhaps you could get her son to have a gentle word and suggest to her that her visits are a bit overwhelming as you are trying to get the baby into a routine. Perhaps she could take the baby out for a walk while you have a nice bath or rest?

I do hope you had a boy because one day you will see how it feels. I am sure there are difficult mothers in law but there are an awful lot of them who love their sons, want the opportunity to know and love their grandchildren but find themselves pushed out to the edges of the family - mostly because they have sons who don't notice or who don't want to rock the boat. I loved my mother in law deeply and really appreciated having someone around who was as attached to my children as me and their dad. Don't know why so often women who seem to me to be perfectly nice and well-meaning are at best disregarded or are put in the role of the enemy.

Ps that was to sim1983 btw

I don't know what the answer is, my DS is usually very thoughtful and loving, so is my DIL but they do see more of DIL's mum, I accept that's just the way it is!
I think you have to ask to take the DGC out or have them for a 'sleepover' at half-term or a weekend perhaps
They are all so busy and I would hate to get caught up in the morning school run, although I enjoy the school pick up occasionally!

feelingleftout I'm sure you're not but you do sound a bit petulant.

When I was getting my two children ready for school the last thing I would think of doing is asking MIL would she like to accompany us! If you live nearby why not offer to take the children to school by yourself to give them a break.

As others have said, you are Gran not Mum, and can't expect to be part of their everyday lives.

Do you ever offer to have the children for the day/night?

no it deffo not like that.we have both offered numerous times before to take her out, to go somewhere,She either does not turn up or a couple of days later we get a text saying she was too busy. Its honestly not the way youve took it. And the clothes thing?She does it too her other daughter in law. Before I was pregnant and this all started (cos we were quite close before that) she told me how her grandkids are always scruffy and she buys the stuff to make sure they are looked after. I have never seen any evidence of that at all./They are very well dressed happy healthy etc. I brought the clothes thing up cos I only remembered the other day that she told me that. Also I should have mentioned that she is a smoker and doesnt see why she cant have a cig and then breathe all over my child. I may have come across wrong in how I put it but I think the main thing is gran not mum.

Eeek!! No smoking, put your foot down there.
Just smile and say thankyou for the clothes!

Yes you are lucky! I have very little contact with my only two grandchildren. My son, I think, goes for the quiet life and refers every request to DIL (and sometimes doesn't.) She in turn won't respond to me directly and tells my son to. She has been unfriendly to me from the start, I have tried everything to have some kind of relationship with her. Her parents see the GC all the time and they stay with them etc etc.
The last time I saw them, a couple of weeks ago having not seen them for four months I decided not to be so passive and to arrange something specifically. I spent four days texting (at first being ignored) and talking arrangements with my son and then, excited, laden with flowers presents (small) and clothes I did the rather scary drive on motorway for over an hour. When I got there there was no one in. I rang and they came back and I was told by DIL that in future I must ring on the morning I was coming. I had been so busy walking the dog getting her looked after, shopping etc and believing that the arrangement I had made the night before was good enough. (Sadly DIL Wont allow my dog although she is the friendliest softest thing ever (5 year old springer doodle) So visits are always more complicated.
She did tell me that next year she was thinking of letting the older one stay over at my house for a night because I think she knows she is being very unfair. I have never had them alone and DIL has not visited my house with them for nearly two years now but will visit my daughter's where of course I am invited.
My daughter's house is very big which I suppose helps... and DIL is a bit of a 'man's woman' and relishes the attention of my SIL. They don't have children and DIL sees them as very important aunt and uncle to the girls (she is an only child). My daughter and husband are not very fussed about seeing them and do it mainly to help me so at least I see the little girls (one is 3 and half, one is 1). (Yes it is a shame daughter has not had children because I certainly would have had my grandmotherly desserts there! But I do have a gran dog and we dog walk a lot : ))
Being widowed I feel it would be a different story if I had a husband, partner whatever. I feel she would be better behaved. She is very possessive by nature and has always seemed to see me as competition for my son's attention. Not so. Will she get over it? I think I have just been a bit unlucky in my DIL.
Having said that she has two lovely baby daughters and You never know...it can only get better.
I do get photos sent and videos and I have retained a relationship with my son and a rather one sided one with her....
But I weep inside.
I always hoped I would gain a daughter; But at the end of the day I am happy that she is so devoted to my son and they both adore their children.....Worse things can happen.
I would love not to feel so alone about this.

I think this is just the way a lot of young people are these days. I have exactly the same experience. Unfortunately I do not live nearby and have to stay over if I visit, which makes it harder, although both my son and granddaughter are very welcoming, they have to get on with their lives and when in they just want to watch TV. They invariably run out of basic foodstuffs like milk and bread and seem to assume I will just buy it. I only go once a year to help with school holiday cover, when my grandson is old enough to be left alone I will probably never see them.

It's a son thing, I think most of them are like that. I am a paternal grandmother and I am so lucky. I have a wonderful DIL. We live 10 minutes away and care for our grandson 3 days a week since she returned to work. We text each other everyday, sending each other photos, updates etc. We are always welcome but never turn up unannounced. We never go on their family days out, I'm sure we'd be welcome but it's their time together. This didn't just happen, we both made it happen. Right from the begining I asked her to be straight with me, tell me to back off or mind my own business. She never has but then she wouldn't so I have to make sure I don't cross any lines. Could you offer to do the school run? Either a set day a week, or a couple of days a week? Mornings are so busy that I don't think it would help if you went too but if you could take them! I'm sure they'd love it, mum and dad would get 5 minutes extra and the children would see their nan. Win win xx Hope it works out.
Sally.
www.teddybearsandcardigans.com
@BearandCardigan

I have 6 sons and I think it is probably more of a man thing. Their wives/partners tend to do the organising and gravitate towards their mothers and their own family, but I would not dream of interfering. In my own case we have blended families in our family and it is difficult to fit in when there are already 2 sets of grandparents, so we take what we can get and we just make the most of that time. Our grandchildren adore my husband, even the ones that live with us - he's the fun one lol. We take the grandchildren out, have them on school days/holidays when other grandparents/parents may not be able to, help out with sports activities, emergency collection from schools, have them to stay the night, all sorts of things but we dont go on their family outings nor do we necessarily always get invited to their birthday parties or other occasions. It's just the way it is - and when push comes to shove, they are not ours, we are just lucky enough to borrow them occasionally.

You brought tears to my eyes Bertie10. I looked after my first grandson 30 hours a week from 8 months until he started school, . He and I have a very close relationship obviously and there was suddenly a huge hole in my life. There was no understanding that I must miss him and obstacles were put in my way when I suggested I pick him up from school for tea. It was and still is a great sorrow. I haven't fallen out with anyone and I do invite myself round to see him because if I didn't I hardly ever would.
I now care for my daughter's little son so I don't lack for cuddles and the joy of watching a baby grow into a little boy but there is still a 6 year old sized hole in my life.