Divorce at 60

Izzybear,
You have put up with this man for too long. And now he's trying to tell you it's your fault.
Please see a solicitor ASAP and also find a counsellor.
If he wants to leave let him but don't rush to sell your house.
All best wishes.

In your position, your physical and mental health seem to need full attention. Heart failure and depression? I think best concentrate on that without adding the additional stress of a divorce if possible.

Hi izzibear

Firstly, I’m really sorry you’re going through this awful situation, looming divorce is difficult at any age, but particularly harder as we enter into our retirement years. But, and it’s a very big but, you’re not too old to start again and make a new & more peaceful life for yourself.
With the situation you’re in you either dance to his tune and hope for the best, or you take control and tell him where to shove his ‘I’ll give it six months’ and walk away now.
Regarding the house situation, would you have enough money to buy a small flat?
I know a lot of couples stay together because they just can’t afford to ‘go it alone’ and I understand that, but I’d personally rather live in a tiny flat and have my happiness.
Best of luck with whatever you decide.

Without knowing either of you I wouldn’t presume to advise you but you should both be aware that it can be quite lonely on your own after this number of years and think very hard, both of you, before you take this step.

I agree.

Your daughter and yourself also think you need counselling.
I dont think all hope is lost.

It’s a pity you can’t rub along together & share the house but kind of separate, iykwim.
If you already have heart trouble is the stress of a divorce, looking for a suitable house/flat not going to add even more stress to your health?

Staying in an unhappy marriage is also stressful, especially if you’re always arguing.
If you can agree to stay in the house together but live separately that could work, but that takes some doing I’d have thought. It’s something only you & your husband can decide.

One thing I would totally rule out is trying to get a mortgage on your own & working longer - wouldn’t even consider that given your health conditions.

Get some counselling it may help you make the right decision for you. Then get some financial/legal advice.
I have always said to anyone who has asked me, better to be happier on your own than in a stressful unloved relationship.

You could/will be on your own one day as the widows on this site attest, so start early while you are still quite young.

There have been so many threads on here from unhappy women with selfish, well actually horrid sounding, husbands. Don't be one of them in 5 or 10 years time.

Sixty is still quite young. Plenty of years left to lead a happy and useful life.
From the point of the person saying it can be lonely, I would say that nothing is more lonely than being with someone you do not wish to be with. Loneliness is not necessarily being by oneself.
I would definitely advise against putting yourself into any sort of debt (mortgage) - surely, your fifty percent of your present home, would get you a small flat, and that is the way to go.
Go for your retirement and join groups like u3a, etc and look forward to having some wonderful times, with people you like.
So, firstly find out how much your present home is likely to sell for (realistically), then start to look at your options as to what you could buy for that money (remembering that selling and buying does take some of that money).
Silly, being miserable and argueing with someone you are living with.

Kandinsky

Staying in an unhappy marriage is also stressful, especially if you’re always arguing.
If you can agree to stay in the house together but live separately that could work, but that takes some doing I’d have thought. It’s something only you & your husband can decide.

I know two couples who are doing that because they can’t afford to separate.
One couple just fell out of love but rub along & not bothered about meeting other people.
The other couple do niggle at each other but their house has two living rooms so just do their own thing with regards to meals, etc.

Loopyloo has good advice, I would see a solicitor and also a councillor, and at 60 renting isn't a bad option, mind yourself ,you have health issues and you must think of yourself now first, seems you have been very reasonable with his problems

You do need professional advice, but sadly pulling up the" gang plank" might be the answer to your problems. You are both miserable, life is too short to spend them constantly unhappy, don't spend the rest of your life, wishing you had called it a day.
Best of luck

If you are having this 6 months time, I suggest you also take the time to check through various things. So in financial terms , finding out what you are entitled to, and also what you are committed to. So things like , do you have a joint account, and especially checking if you have an agreed overdraft , because if you do decide to split up , these can cause a lot of problems. Would you be able to able to go away for a few days to a b@b somewhere , to let you spend time thinking quietly what you want to do, and experiencing a stress free time from your husband? You could then think through the options you have , in a more calm situation. Eventually being able to make a plan or choice yourself I think is better than feeling pushed into it by others, even if you cannot do exactly what you want.

Can you honestly say you still love him and care for him, want to be with him?
If you can’t answer yes to these questions then you know what you have to do.
When you say he put us in a bad financial situation I take that to mean he borrowed against your property.
I assume he gave the loan in good faith? Believing he would get the money back. Or do you think he was stupid in not looking further into the business he was lending too?
From your OP it reads that you’ve never forgiven him and have punished him ever since.
In these very distressing circumstances everyone has to be honest.

You need to consider renting somewhere for yourself.

Look into the availability of social housing for over 55s as this type of housing is often easier to get in some areas.

I left my husband when I was 56 with my 16 year old daughter. We'd already lost our mortgaged house thanks to him so were living in social housing in a small village with poor public transport so I had no job. I found a house to rent in the nearest town and had to claim housing benefit until I got a job.

Life became so much better for us.

Do you want to stay with him? I would think carefully about what I wanted and make plans for myself accordingly. You may find a local housing association can help you find accommodation. Good luck.

It might be a good time to speak to your GP if you haven't already. To make them aware of your concerns and the situation you could be left in or having to continue to work and/or being able to afford a mortgage, private or social housing. Especially as you have health concerns. It may be a helpful thing for a solicitor to know your GP's views re your health for a financial settlement.

I have not been through this my self but hopefully the counselling will give you the clarity you need to make the right decision, sometimes talking things through with person that is not involved in the drama helps. Sending you a big hug 🤗 💐 . The financial part perhaps someone from Age concern or Age connect might be able to help. Make sure all your ducks are in a row and then the decision will be easier.

What Petra says ✅

It really does sound as if you’ve tried to get past the hurt and resentment you’ve felt over his financial failures, then the depression etc., but failed. Your relationship hasn’t stood much chance of recovery, it’s only limping along, and your unhappiness has been noticed by your family, years on you’re still dissatisfied and he has clearly had enough of living under a cloud of guilt and trying and failing to make you happy, so tells you he wants out.

Why not take some proper ‘me’ time to decide what would make you happy? What do you really want? You must have given this so much thought over the years. Why embark on counselling and insist that your H is involved if you’re not sure you want to spend your remaining years married to him? It can’t always be about money….you need to get to grips with a decision which is going to work out for you.

Take legal advice, health advice, financial advice, counselling when you have a clear idea of what you want. Then try to organise life to make it work. Meanwhile, please cheer up. The end of the world has yet to happen and you’ve already had much worse to cope with - and survived.