Gdcs' bedtimes - frustration!

I had the opposite "worry". Almost from birth my DIL would put baby to bed with blackout curtains and shut the door leaving them to self settle as she called it.

Mind you it worked! They both have been really good at bedtime

My eldest granddaughter was the same as this and wouldn't go to bed until her parents did - her younger sister ran around all night until she fell asleep exhausted. Looking after them was a nightmare (they're 21 & 17 now so have definitely grown out of that!). My grandson's (5 & 3) from my youngest son have been put to bed with blackout curtains and no light from birth and go straight to sleep.

It's a very tough habit to break but Super Nanny usually managed to do it but parents have to be consistent.

I don't understand the parents problem * Witzend* they don't enforce bed times for their children ergo they are tired. Only they can change that cycle.

My DS, when coping as a single parent 50% of the time got our DGD into the routine of having a story (or several!) and then leaving her listening to CDs of stories. It meant that he got some time to himself or to do jobs but that she was entertained and settled.

I was like that with my first baby, but by the time I got to my second I had learned my lesson! It was bedtime and self-settle, and when she was old enough for stories it was one story, kiss and cuddle and good night.

Why is one parent incapable of dealing with his/her own children on their own?
If they allow this silly behaviour at bedtime, they must deal with the consequences; refuse to 'help out' and let them deal with the situation they have created.

Well firstly it's not up to you, they are not your children. So either you go along with what is happening and do it wholeheartedly because that is what the parents want or you distance yourself and leave them to it. I suspect that they are actually just making the right noises to you and saying what you want them to. Personally I never could leave my children to cry and I always sat with them, and sometimes I fell asleep. I think it has deep links to what happened during your own childhood and is an emotional response you can't always apply reason to. As far as getting time alone in the evening, are the children still napping in the daytime? If so it might be time to stop and have an earlier bedtime. I don't think you are helping the situation by criticising and are putting more pressure on the parents.

Did you actually read my OP, Trisher? I never said it was up to me. I find it frustrating because my very hardworking dd and SiL are worn out with the long nightly saga, and would love to make bedtimes quicker and easier, so they could have some time to themselves in the evenings, but although they are well aware of what they need to do, and what virtually all their friends with young children do, they just can't seem to do it.

Yes, it is frustrating. When my own GC were little the parents would say no a couple of times and then give in. Which I just thought would encourage them to be whiny. They are making a rod for their own back but there is nothing you can do. They will grow out of it, they always do!

Wizend you said Dd and SiL have admitted that it's their own fault - they they know they need to be tougher (they know very well that many of their friends are) but just can't seem to do it - at least not for more than a night or two, so that soon it's the same old saga again
You are being judgemental. You are telling them they are doing it wrong. You are trying to parent their children. Otherwise you would just let them do it their way and step back. Look at your language.

GD2 has always been a night owl. She would go upstairs to bed, but potter around her bedroom or read until she decided to go to sleep. Now, as a teenager approaching GCSEs, she is much the same- and very difficult to get out of bed on a Saturday morning. On the contrary, her brother could, and still can, sleep anywhere any time.
I don't think, however inconvenient or unconventional their bedtimes are, they will be any the worse as adults. Take the long view, witsend

Trisher where does * Wizend* suggest in anyway that she is tryig to parent her grandchildren for goodness sake! She is expressing her frustration on this site because she worries about her daughter and sil and the position they find themselves in! There is nothing in her posts that suggests she is anything other than a loving mother and grandmother who knows the solution but also knows that it is in the parents hands. Her comments show there have been conversations but nothing that says she has expressed her frustration or been critical to them directly! She is letting off steam here instead; maybe cut her some slack, for goodness sake!!!

Madgran77 she has accused the parents of being "soft", said it's their own"fault" that they need to be "tougher". All words of criticism. If you are critical of someone's parenting you are saying that your style of parenting is better. It's fine to be a loving mother and grandmother but part of that is keeping your opinions to yourself and acting the way the parents want not constantly criticising. I can't see how it helps already stressed parents (and I think any parent with 2 children under 5 is stressed and tired) to tell them they are doing things wrongly.

Well if the parents don't actually want to do anything I guess that they will just have to put up with being tired.

I think that rigid and very strict bedtimes can be a dilemma when you are working parents and don't spend so much time with the kids. Some parents enjoy snuggling up for a longer time when they have been out at work or working away. If they really wanted to change this then they probably would - they clearly don't want to change things that much

She has told us that. Not that she said that to them. We don't know if she did say it because they asked for advice or if she didn't and they didn't ask for advice! Expressing frustration on here doesn't suggest all the things you are assuming imo

Our granddaughter was sent to stay with us at appx 15 months old, we broke the bad habits and got her into a good routine.
Mummy and Daddy collected her and kept up the good work.
Our home is now referred to as the house of correction ?

Trisher, they have said themselves, without a word from me, that they wish to goodness they could make bedtimes easier. If it weren't for the fact that they are often so tired, and have so little time to themselves, I wouldn't care two straws what they do.

It seems to me that you are deliberately choosing to mis-interpret my post.

Criticism is allowed, trisher, especially when it's used as a way of getting one's head round what one sees as a problem without interfering with the parents in question. Your posts on this thread are awful grumpy.

I totally disagree with your comment Trisher but part of that is keeping your opinions to yourself .

There is nothing wrong with sharing an opinion , everyone is entitled to them. An opinion offered does not mean you have to act on it but it might help inform decisions you want to make.

I think Witzend has made her point well, when you see something not working , especially when the parents themselves recognise that, why would a loving grandmother NOT have an opinion?

I know my 2 daughters have very different parenting styles, the younger ones 2 little boys have an extremely lengthy bedtime routine which she knows I think is excessive. I can share that with her because its MY opinion. The solution for us is they do it their way in their house and I do it my way in mine. My little grandchildren totally accept 'Nana's house, Nana's rules' .

I very much dislike this whole air of fear around saying anything to adult children in case they don't like it .

Somewhere in my professional training was about 'Boundaries'. It is letting down children if parents do not set them and children know this. Have had a few days away and mealtimes spoiled by toy cars beng brought to and banged on the dining table, toddler wandering about and bashing on the drum kit whilst mother and grandmother looked on, remarking he was musical, no he wasn't just noisy and bored. Sorry ladies if limits are not applied to behaviour a three year old tyrant becomes a monster by 30.

There's an excellent charity that can help your DD. It's not always a case of being tougher, there are lot of strategies that can help.
www.thechildrenssleepcharity.org.uk/parents.php

Say you cannot baby sit until they have a more normal routine. Might give the parents a bit of 'spine' - I know it's horrible and the older the children get the worse it is. I blame today's health visitors - I'm told they just advise parents to go with it until the children grow out of it. Road to the selfish and entitled adult I think

I recall Dr Tanya Byron doing a lot of work on this issue and she appeared (to me) to talk sense. Worth Googling?

Sounds as if a different approach is needed. I would tell them now they are getting older they can have their stories downstairs as a treat & then when they go to bed they can read themselves for 10 mins & then it is straight to sleep.
Make them feel grown up & they may take to it.