children

BrendaJ these things are as long as a piece of string and usually arise from the history of your relationship with your children.

On the face of it, one would hope they would be more involved, especially as you are not well, but without knowing more about your relationship with them, where they are, (if they are in Shetland running a sheep farm and you are in Carlisle it is different from living in London and Newcastle), and what they do it is difficult to offer an opinion.

Exactly what M0nica said, You don't give enough info for anyone to offer an informed comment.

my daughter lives near Brighton and my son lives in Kent. they talk to me on the phone but it is not the same as seeing them. it would be nice just to go out with them for the day like we used to do. I lost my husband 3 years ago. you would think that they would realize how lonely I get.

Have you told them how lonely you get? Have you done anything like volunteering to help you feel less lonely?

As MOnica says, it could be related to your historic relationships with them. Luckily 4 of our children live within an hour of us but the other one lives 250 miles away. We see her and her family about every 6 weeks or so - we all make the effort.

Unfortunately Brenda, your kids have their own lives toblead, hard though that is. I have one living 300 miles away (daughter) who works hard and doesn't come to her home town very often, but is happy for me to go there any time, so I do. Also usually have a holiday together once a year which is lovely. The other one (son) lives about 30 minutes drive away and he tries but sons tend to be ruled by their wives these days from my experiences but I'm grateful for what I do have. I would never be any to appear needy or lonely to either of them although I am on my own I just make the best of how things are. Sorry can't be more helpful.

I have to take three trains to visit my sons and their families. This is, simply, how it has panned out. They went south for work and have homes and families where I am very welcome. I have a small house where it would be difficult to accommodate them for any length of time; also, now that the GCs are older, they have their own concerns at weekends, far more important than visiting Granny. I see them every month or so. I may be alone but refuse to consider myself lonely.

thank you for your reply but since I lost my husband I have lost all confidence in myself to go out and do things, i do not find it easy to mix with other people. i have not had a holiday with my children since they were little.they have never even suggested it to me.it would be nice to spend more time with them.

I didn't have children with the expectation they would look after me when I was old ,just as well my daughter is ill and she still needs me to help with her family.
Surely you could visit them if they are working and under pressure ,all relationships need input from both sides so be the better person and tell them that you'll come see them and give what help you can while you're there .

you would think that they would realize how lonely I get

That comment makes me think that maybe you don't tell them how lonely you get. Our children are not mind readers - unless you tell them how you are feeling, you can't expect to know.

Are you not able to go and visit them ? I'm guessing that there would be a good train service though you don't mention where you live. I'd make a plan to go and visit one of them , rather than waiting for them to decide to visit you.

Why don’t you suggest it then? Visiting them I mean.
Now I’m going to sound very hard on you but it’s for your own good.
You must start doing things for yourself. You don’t have to do anything heroic but set small goals that should be achievable. I.e. start chatting to the person on the checkout at the supermarket. With practice it should get easier.
I don’t know how you are placed financially but if you can afford it then take a taxi to them. Sometimes coach companies have spare capacity on their holidays and will allow you to pay for a seat on the coach. As you have a daughter in Brighton that could be a possibility.
My mum also lives about 250 miles away, I look after my GC one day a week and also work. I am self employed so taking time off is expensive. My mum used to use coaches to get to me but doesn’t like to now. She’s 90 and feels it’s all too much. So I feel very guilty that I don’t go up much and mean to do better in 2019.
You have to step up and start moving back into society, no one else can do it for you I’m afraid.

I’m sorry you feel lonely. I can understand your loss of confidence. Could you just start with a small outing? I met a woman recently at a NT property. Her husband had died three weeks previously, they did everything together, and he drove, she didn’t. She’d come on the bus, and said it was the first time she’d done that since she was a teenager. I thought it was very brave of her. We had a nice chat and a cup of tea together, and she said she felt so pleased that she’d made the effort, and more confident about doing things on her own.

i suffer from anxiety soi do not find things easy to do .i do go to clubs when i feel well enough to go. i also suffer from travel sickness which makes things even harder to do.also was in the hospital for sepsis and shingles .then found out i have blood clots on my lungs.as well.don't get me wrong i am grateful i got through this but i just wish i had my health back then i might be able to enjoy my life

Dear Brenda I think this is much more about you and your ill health than about your children First we really cannot expect our adult children with busy lives and families of their own to be entertaining us (although it would be very nice of course)
You re lonely, anxious and not having brilliant health so everything seems so much worse I think you sound as if you may be depressed from your husbands death too Have you had any bereavement counselling ? If not could you ?
Why don’t you invite one or both of your children up for a weekend You don’t mention grandchildren are your children married? if you can take some small steps towards helping yourself maybe a bus trip to your nearest town for a wander round Yes you have travel sickness but buy some tablets from the pharmacy or talk to your doctor about it you may just may be using that as an excuse because it’s easier that fighting the loneliness Try and go to your clubs if you can and talk to anyone that comes in contact with you
Only you can change this and I wish you loads of good luck xx

I’m sorry brendaj, I don’t have a magic answer for you and I suspect there isn’t one solution. You’ve been very unwell and it’s understandable you’d like to see your family and life seems harder than usual.

Maybe break it all down. Think about the issues separately. You’re lonely and anxious and you would love to see your family. Separate it out. Are you getting help for the anxiety which I know can be paralysing? If not then do go and be honest with a doctor. Loneliness is hard I know. Would a telephone link up through Silverine help? Someone to chat to on the phone? I hope this isn’t insensitive but if grief overwhelms at times then you could see if there is a CRUSE branch in your area and arrange some counselling. Do you have local friends who could go with you to a club if going alone is hard?

I guess most parents try not to worry their adult children so I imagine you haven’t been honest with your family. The distance seems to mean they can’t just pop in and see you so contact has to be planned. Could you ask them in a straightforward way what they think is feasible for them? You could think about travel when your anxiety is less, maybe a train would help with the travel sickness if they really can’t get to you.

There will be other thoughts of course, these are just mine and better ideas could be out there. Maybe think about seeing your GP anyway, it sounds as if you need a boost just now. Wishing you well.

I suspect a lot of us have family living quite a distance from us, my DD lives abroad and I haven't been able to visit her for the last three years because of ill health.
My neighbour was widowed in February and she has been on holiday twice since, driving herself to Northern Scotland for three weeks and she has just returned from the Isle of Harris after another three week break.
I know it is difficult but I think we have to accept that we can't expect DC to change their busy lives for us.

I think we must all accept that our children/adults have their own lives to live, which may or may not have appeared so obvious before you lost your husband. It's only natural that anxiety is heightened with nobody at hand to share your anxieties, which usually causes nausea/sickness too. Deep breathing helps a lot.
I wouldn't like to be reliant on my family having been staunchly independent since being widowed as it's that " push " which helps you to carry on and face the world as you get older.
Probably a word with the GP to put you in the right direction. We're all different when it comes to broaching a subject such as this, as I never thought my eldest D selfish when she moved 10,000 miles away.
I tend to be philosophical in my thinking but I know everyone isn't and I can appreciate that.

I am still puzzled that the OP speaks of her children and what they ought to do and them not being bothered with her. I think there is more to this relationship than meets the eye.

DS and family live 200 miles away. Like KittyLester we see them about every six weeks. Not because we 'ought' to see them or they 'ought' to see us, but because we want to see each other and visits get arranged mutually. They arrive tonight for nearly a week. I am not sure who broached the original idea of this mid-term visit, but we all wanted it and it was soon arranged. We are all looking forward to it.

I think many posters have given you good and wise advice, Brenda. To be alone, anxious and ill can make every problem seem worse and life is difficult for you. Dealing with one problem at a time can help

One query; have you actually spoken to your children and explained your problem and asked them to visit?

I am often surprised on GN how many problems arise from posters unwillingness to speak, ask or consult with their children when problems arise or information is wanted.

"I am often surprised on GN how many problems arise from posters unwillingness to speak, ask or consult with their children when problems arise or information is wanted."
Me too.
Brenda - it looks to me as if your main problem is lack of confidence after your husband's death. I hope your children gave some support at the time.
Would it be possible for you to move down nearer to where they are? That's what I would do, in your circustances.

I CAN NOT MOVE DOWN TO KENT AS I COULD NOT AFFORD TO. EVEN IF DID I DONT THINK I WOULD STILL SEE MUCH MORE OF MY DAUGHTER AS SHE WORKS FULL TIME THAN I DO NOW. i did not mention it before but both my children are registered blind.so they have not been able to see me properly since they were 11 years old. which breaks my heart.

Brenda, why did you not say this at the start? It places a completely different complexion on everything. Do you have any vision or other mobility problems?

Travelling must be difficult for your children. It is not surprising that they do not visit often. Although you say your children live in Kent and Brighton, I do not think you have told us where you live - except that it is 250 miles away. By my reckoning that is in Lancashire or North Yorkshire. Probably difficult for them to visit for a weekend using public transport. Can you not visit them?

I am afraid I really am at a loss as to any solution to your problems. If the way you have fed us with information is symptomatic of how you and your children communicate at a family level then possibly the first thing to do is start getting contact between family members going on a regular basis, whether by regular phone calls or online, then start talking each other openly about your lives and build up to discussing the problems all three of you have. Perhaps then the question of seeing each other regularly can be broached.

Hallo Brendaj. First of all, well done for writing to GN. That's a good first step.
It's not always easy to do that and know how much to say when you first write......as in a conversation there can be a slow build up of a information'. I also only see my AC a few times a year as they live over 600 miles away. They are busy and dealing with their own issues so I rarely tell them any of my problems. I think that's normal.
I had a real 'turn around' of feelings when I realised it felt better to offer them my help rather than be sad that they didn't offer to help me. It changed things in my own head.
It must have been hard for you when your children were young and registered blind and I expect you'd really like them to realise that now you need some support..
Good luck. You've made a good first step here.

its tricky for sure, theres an idea that if you raised them well giving them confidence to go out in the world then they are probably living busy lives and have little time for old parents! if they see youall the time are they looking for your approval? interesting idea, I have one son who lives 250 miles away I speak every week the other son only 5 miles away im lucky if I see him 3 to 4 times a year and he never rings Ive scratched my head challenged him, his reply is he is so busy with work social life he finds it difficult to find time. that said ,the young spend so much time on their phones a quick hello every week or so would be nice

Is there any chance at all of you perhaps relocating to be nearer them?maybe its the distance thats a worry- petrol/diesal costs a lot these days to fill up a tank & go visit 250 miles away.thats if they even have transport as rain tickets are even more costly.

Hello Brendaj, I feel for you I really do but our one and only child lives in Australia. He moved over there ten years ago and for the first five years, we didn't see him at all. Since then we've seen him four times, the first was in Fiji for his wedding the second when his first daughter was born and the third when his second daughter was born. He and his wife and family also came to England once. We've not spoken to him in eight months although his wife is in regular contact via Facebook. We feel involved as we see lots of photos of the girls but we do miss them all dreadfully. The problem is they have no money for another trip to the UK and we are struggling to afford another trip there. The travelling also becomes more difficult as we get older. Our son is working all the hours there are just to support his family and when he gets home at night he just wants to sleep. So although I feel for you I also wish our son was 'only' 250 miles away, we could perhaps afford to see more of him then. Please don't think I'm being unkind I'm really not, I'm just feeling sorry for myself! Still enough of that, there is Sainsbury's shopping to do and then there are several competitions I want to enter. You never know I might just win a trip to Australia or the money to pay the flights. Have you ever thought about doing a few online competitions? it doesn't cost anything, it passes the time and I look forward to the post arriving because I never know just what might turn up. Sending you my very best wishes