Split

Could you stop seeing your SIL for a while at least until the dust settles? It is not worth alienating your D over this so if she insists I think you have to go along with it sadly.

An awful problem Peardrop but you should let your son-in-law know how sorry you are, but tell him the situation ( you risk losing both your DD and DGC otherwise).?

I agree, give your D time for the rawness of the separation to subside and maybe she will come round. I would respect her wishes for now and perhaps write to her H and explain that you would like to maintain contact in the future.
I'd love not to have contact with my GC's father but they live with him so I have to be civil or we don't see the GC.

I would caution against putting anything in writing. If it ever came out your D would feel very betrayed.

Yes, better to tell him on the phone.

The priority here is to make things as easy as possible for the children; if this means you not contacting your SIL, then that is how it has to be. The children must come first.

As others have said, with any luck the acute bitterness will gradually subside and you will be able to renew contact with him without cutting yourselves off from the children - they need some continuity and you can be that. That is the priority.

Yes the GC are our priority. We have told both D and SIL together that we will be there for both of them but most importantly for the children. But it is our proposed contact with SIL that D objects to. She infact says she forbids us to see him. Well, no one forbids us to do anything, not even our daughter. She is poisoning the boy's against their father and someone has to try to counterbalance that. SIL's parents are both dead and he was an 'only'. We are the people he seems closest to and we want that to continue.

We were in this position two years ago with DS and DDiL. I hated breaking off contact with my DiL because we had always got on well and she is an excellent mother to the two DGCs. We kept our distance as asked and I hope she understood. Fortunately we don't live near so there was no liklihood of bumping into her.

I now hear from DS that they are on friendlier terms. They have both moved on with their lives and have new partners. The DGCs are very happy and settled which is the main thing.

I have my fingers crossed that the opportunity may arise when I can get back in contact with my now ex DiL even if it's just a Christmas card. We were once very close and when a marriage breaks up it feels like a bereavement if you have to break off contact.

Do whatever is asked of you, Peardrop. Wait for things to settle down and then you may be able to get back in touch with your DSiL without upsetting your DD.

Our posts crossed, Peardrop. Try not to be too strong willed about the situation. Honestly, sometimes, 'Least said, soonest mended' is the best approach.

"Well, no one forbids us to do anything, not even our daughter. "

Therein lies disaster - be warned!

You will not be able to provide the counterbalance that you desire if your DD stops you seeing the children, which is what is likely to happen if you go against her wishes.

This is not a battle of wills where you have to make the point that you will not be dictated to. Please try and put that aside.

Please take a step back here, curb your irritation and take a measured approach. Your current approach is going to worsen the situation. What is to be gained by losing contact with your GC? Nothing whatsoever - except more losses for those poor children.

Like mother like daughter I'm afraid, Merlotgran!!

We won't lose all contact with the GC, SIL has already said he will retain contact when they are with him. Fortunately that will be alternate weekends. I know we soundhard headed over this, but you don't know our daughter!!

No - but I am beginning to know her Mum!

Those poor children!

You asked if anyone has been in this position. I have, as I explained in my above post and I'm very glad I didn't adopt your approach.

You are obviously not on here to accept any advice so I wish you the best of luck. You're going to need it!!

We don't really know what goes on behind closed doors and maybe there is very good reason why your daughter is feeling very bitter. Often things come out later, so wait and see what unfolds. Concentrate on the children. Your daughter may be highhanded and you don't have to like her ordering you about, but you have too much at risk by alienating her. If for no other reason than that you secure your time with the children, you need to steer a very careful path on the road ahead.

Let your task be to maintain equilibrium in the coming weeks so that your grandchildren feel secure in the knowledge that they are loved by all in spite of everything. Some granny/grandpa hugs are great healers and your daughter will need some too.

I imagine she is hurting and looking for some loyalty and understanding from you.....

My sister has permanently alienated her DD by insisting on retaining friendly relations with her former SIL and his wider family after he left her DD for another woman. Although the situation has settled down 6 years on, the divorce has come through and the children have become accustomed to their two families, my niece will never again have a close relationship with her DM, who was not 'there for her' with wholehearted support when she needed it most.

I have no understanding how you would put anyone over your own child, however much I loved my sil, my own child would come first, your opening post said 'at times he has behaved dreadfully' sounding like all the blame is NOT on your daughter How on earth must she be feeling to know the one person she should be able to rely on come hell or high water isn't on her side at all I should think she feels hurt and betrayed by you
You really come across that you have to win your point at all costs and those costs might be high peardrop if you and your daughter are cut from the same cloth there could be a standoff for years and the ones to suffer will be the little ones I think if I was your daughter I d emigrate

Are you listening Peardrop? There are people on here who know of what they speak! Try finding the thread called "Support for those estranged from family members. Moving on together" It is painful reading - just do not go there.

Your determination not to be dictated to may backfire on you in a big way - and on those children.

You say your D is poisoning the children against their father and someone (i.e. you) has to try to counterbalance that.

If you turn against your D she'll be heartbroken and may start criticising you to the children - how is that going to help them or the situation?

You say your GC are your priority but have you actually thought through what your actions could mean for them?

I get on well with my exhusband, it's like a brother/sister relationship. He has stayed at my house with his 2nd wife because I live next door to DD2 and I have the spare bedrooms. In saying that I did feel uncomfortable in years gone by when I found out he was at my DF's house with his 2nd wife. I am happy to spend family occasions with him and his wife and my DC and DGC as it makes it easier for my DC. My DB is getting married next week and I told him not to invite my ex, that would feel uncomfortable for me. My DB had asked me as he had been in contact with my ex for business reasons. He has known my ex since he was 12.

Recently I was talking to my exH's step DIL at my GD's birthday party, she told me next time I am back in our home city to get my DD to let her know and she will arrange for us to come for dinner. I said that would be lovely, but I wouldn't do that. There is a fine line with exes and you shouldn't cross it, especially if it isn't your ex.

Peardrop so sorry for your situation, Firstly your D is hurting badly, she wants to punish your SIL and thinks you should too. It is understandable and it will pass. Some counseling might help. Secondly regardless of how she feels, your SIL is her children's father and she will need to work with this. Even if she manages to convince them he is a horrible person and destroys all contact, as the children grow older they may simply ignore her.
Mediation may help them to work through the anger and hurt, but she will need to agree to have contact with him.
It is the hardest time to get through and you may find that things slowly improve as she adjusts to her new situation.

Thank you Trisher.

I'm baffled by why anyone wouldn't be on the side of their own child. It seems vital, to me and lots of other posters, that you bide your time and just support your daughter and dgc! To do anything else seems perverse.