Split

Ok I'll leave it folks, I was thinking aloud which is almost always a Bad Idea.
merlot - absolutely agree the children must be the priority.

I'm not so sure about a loving relationship, Iam. The OP remains 'fond' of her SiL but at times he has behaved dreadfully.

Sounds like six of one and half a dozen of the other.

The children apparently already have mixed up lives. They MUST be the priority.

My post was for the original poster Iam64

I wasn't suggesting we wouldn't support our own children whatever their circumstances. I was wondering aloud whether we would 'take their side' against a partner who we'd formed a loving relationship with and could see wasn't always treated well by our own child. Remaining neutral where possible is the preferred option of course but if one of our adult children was trying to cut the other partner (often the father) out of the lives of their children in the absence of say, domestic abuse, could we all support that course action.
Keeping out of it might become more difficult in the face of very distressed children asking why they can't see daddy.

I can't imagine not supporting my kids whatever they were like and this poster sounds like she has produced a carbon copy of herself

I agree Anya.

Iam, I would still support my child as they obviously would need it. Strange question in this context.

On the fact of it, I do feel extremely sorry for the SIL in this case, who seems to have no other family support, and I can understand the OP wanting to maintain contact. But I would strongly advise going along with your daughter's wishes and just hoping that when the dust settles she will think differently and want an amicable relationship with him that you can be a part of. You mustn't risk your contact with your DD and DGC on a point of principle.

I have never been in this situation but isn't it best not to take sides. It is really sad when parents of young children split up but all parties need help and support.

x posted there Anya

kittylester, I understand your question about why anyone wouldn't be on the side of their own child. It's worth wondering though, how you would feel if the adult child had behaved abusively towards their partner/children, or been abusing substances and totally unreliable to their partnered children. I'm not suggesting that's the case here, which sounds a bit more like a battle for control between mum and adult daughter.

Sorry, but this is one of those pointless threads where the OP is determined to go her own way and does not really want advice, even from those who have been in this situation.

I'm baffled by why anyone wouldn't be on the side of their own child. It seems vital, to me and lots of other posters, that you bide your time and just support your daughter and dgc! To do anything else seems perverse.

Thank you Trisher.

Peardrop so sorry for your situation, Firstly your D is hurting badly, she wants to punish your SIL and thinks you should too. It is understandable and it will pass. Some counseling might help. Secondly regardless of how she feels, your SIL is her children's father and she will need to work with this. Even if she manages to convince them he is a horrible person and destroys all contact, as the children grow older they may simply ignore her.
Mediation may help them to work through the anger and hurt, but she will need to agree to have contact with him.
It is the hardest time to get through and you may find that things slowly improve as she adjusts to her new situation.

I get on well with my exhusband, it's like a brother/sister relationship. He has stayed at my house with his 2nd wife because I live next door to DD2 and I have the spare bedrooms. In saying that I did feel uncomfortable in years gone by when I found out he was at my DF's house with his 2nd wife. I am happy to spend family occasions with him and his wife and my DC and DGC as it makes it easier for my DC. My DB is getting married next week and I told him not to invite my ex, that would feel uncomfortable for me. My DB had asked me as he had been in contact with my ex for business reasons. He has known my ex since he was 12.

Recently I was talking to my exH's step DIL at my GD's birthday party, she told me next time I am back in our home city to get my DD to let her know and she will arrange for us to come for dinner. I said that would be lovely, but I wouldn't do that. There is a fine line with exes and you shouldn't cross it, especially if it isn't your ex.

You say your D is poisoning the children against their father and someone (i.e. you) has to try to counterbalance that.

If you turn against your D she'll be heartbroken and may start criticising you to the children - how is that going to help them or the situation?

You say your GC are your priority but have you actually thought through what your actions could mean for them?

Are you listening Peardrop? There are people on here who know of what they speak! Try finding the thread called "Support for those estranged from family members. Moving on together" It is painful reading - just do not go there.

Your determination not to be dictated to may backfire on you in a big way - and on those children.

I have no understanding how you would put anyone over your own child, however much I loved my sil, my own child would come first, your opening post said 'at times he has behaved dreadfully' sounding like all the blame is NOT on your daughter How on earth must she be feeling to know the one person she should be able to rely on come hell or high water isn't on her side at all I should think she feels hurt and betrayed by you
You really come across that you have to win your point at all costs and those costs might be high peardrop if you and your daughter are cut from the same cloth there could be a standoff for years and the ones to suffer will be the little ones I think if I was your daughter I d emigrate

My sister has permanently alienated her DD by insisting on retaining friendly relations with her former SIL and his wider family after he left her DD for another woman. Although the situation has settled down 6 years on, the divorce has come through and the children have become accustomed to their two families, my niece will never again have a close relationship with her DM, who was not 'there for her' with wholehearted support when she needed it most.

I imagine she is hurting and looking for some loyalty and understanding from you.....

We don't really know what goes on behind closed doors and maybe there is very good reason why your daughter is feeling very bitter. Often things come out later, so wait and see what unfolds. Concentrate on the children. Your daughter may be highhanded and you don't have to like her ordering you about, but you have too much at risk by alienating her. If for no other reason than that you secure your time with the children, you need to steer a very careful path on the road ahead.

Let your task be to maintain equilibrium in the coming weeks so that your grandchildren feel secure in the knowledge that they are loved by all in spite of everything. Some granny/grandpa hugs are great healers and your daughter will need some too.

You asked if anyone has been in this position. I have, as I explained in my above post and I'm very glad I didn't adopt your approach.

You are obviously not on here to accept any advice so I wish you the best of luck. You're going to need it!!

No - but I am beginning to know her Mum!

Those poor children!

We won't lose all contact with the GC, SIL has already said he will retain contact when they are with him. Fortunately that will be alternate weekends. I know we soundhard headed over this, but you don't know our daughter!!

Like mother like daughter I'm afraid, Merlotgran!!