Happy Hour

I will start with a conversation from a few weeks ago between DS and DGS ( aged 4)
Son... " oh, you are a daft haporth!" A short pause, DGS very interested ,says " Daft haporth? Is that Darth Vaders brother?" ( you need to have a Southern accent to appreciate this.) DGS is Star Wars mad ( not that he has ever seen the films at his tender age) but likes all the merchandise.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist....he sold his soul to Santa.

A dying grandfather tells his grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $24,548,750.45 in cash." The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh grandpa, you are SO generous! I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?" With his last breath, Grandpa whispered, "Facebook..."

Two elderly grandparents from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really! Like a newborn baby?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants"

Eye halve a spelling cheque
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a quay and type a word
and weight four it two say
weather eye am wrong oar write
it shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
it nose bee fore two long
And I can put the error rite
it's rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I'm shore your pleased two no
It's letter perfect awl the weigh
My checker tolled me sew.

I like this.

That's wonderful, Greyduster!

Does this qualify?

Or this after last weekend`s heavy rainfall?

They all qualify!
Particularly liked your first joke number DH has just asked what I am grinning about.
Linsco that's really good, is it your own work?

DD2 told me that last week, after being sick and tired of taking parcels in for a certain neighbour, when the delivery man yet again rang the bell, and the parcel was a big one, she had a bit of a rant at him and told him not to leave any more with her.He was foreign and looked nonplussed,so as she signed for the parcel said to him "No more parcels please!" He hurried back to his van, and only then did she look properly at the parcel.......it was addressed to her DH.?

Read this recently....
'Last night, heard my wife's voice from the kitchen saying "what would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef, lamb?" I called back, I'll have chicken thanks.She replied "we're having soup, I was talking to the cat!"

I want to live here just so I can say the address!

I don't have a joke or a poem - not very good at those but just to say I had a big smile on my face this week when my GS aged 12 rung me of his own accord on his mobile phone to tell me about his first day back at school (now propelling himself by foot and bus - no mummy or daddy) and all about the dog he hopes to get next year once he has shown how responsible and grown up he can be. Darling Boy.

Pittcity, I'm afraid I don't get what you mean about the address of that bungalow...

Oops, just got it!

I had to say the address a few times before the penny dropped! ?

The poem isn't my own work rosesarered It's courtesy of Tom Shields.

I'm ashamed to say I got it straight away .

Nope, don't get that address - am I being thick??

I couldn't read it properly.

A man who lived in UK
Said, Me getting old? No way!
I've a full head of hair,
Help me get out of this chair,
And find all my marbles, OK?

Just say the house number and the name of the street out loud...but not too loud because it's rude!