Step-grandchildren

You say that when you buy things for your grandsons you 'always do the same' for your stepgranddaughter. Then you go on to say you feel her father is aware when you don't. Forgive me if I'm a bit confused here - if you 'always' do it, how is he 'aware when you don't'? .

when I offered to have the boys stay over one night I made sure it was mid-week because I didn't want the responsibility of someone else's child
Your grandsons are, surely, someone else's children, are they not? And yet you're happy to have responsibility for them. Are you sure the real reason is that you didn't want the little girl staying over, because she's not really anything to do with you?

I'm sorry, but I have to say I really feel for this little girl. Her world has been turned upside down by her parents splitting up. She is happy to call you Grandma, but you seem unable to warm to her and everything you do for her appears to be only from a sense of duty and not wanting to be 'judged'. Can you really not find it in you to open your heart to her?

I'm a step child. Back in the 60's I was the only child of divorced parents in my entire school !

My Dad - we NEVER called him stepdad- went on to father twins with my Mother and again we never referred to them then or now as step anything . We're family and god bless my Dad he treated us exactly like we were his own blood.

Never once did I feel that my brother and sister were treated better than me. Your DD obviously feels the same as my Dad, she met and married a man with a child and has taken on responsibility for that child as she has her every weekend. So I think you have to follow her lead.

You may get away with not having the little girl for sleepovers but as she gets older she'll be asking why - how can you explain that? We have 4 GC and they keep score of who comes over for Nana and Grampy time{smile]. She's just a little girl, let her in and you might be surprised how easy she is love .

I have experience of this with nephews and nieces my brother and ex SIL have children as well as children from previous/subsequent relationships ,I didnt find it hard to include all the kids,they all call me aunty.This is a bit of a strange combination though my son was in a relationship with a girl who had a little girl from a previous relationship,the little girl calls me nanny,this relationship has broken up and they have both moved on,I am still nanny p to the little girl and I am friends with mum..we meet up and go out,and I look after the little girl ....she is a threenager lol.....saturdays while mum is at work....E is my biological GD whom I have brought since the age of 4,I dont have any problem with little A ....more the merrier,but then I have been a bit like the pied piper where kids are concerned anyway..it takes a village to bring up a child...I read somewhere xx

I also meant to say my mum when she was alive had a terrible time in coping with the different relationships and made it clear she just tolerated the others and the blended families......my mum was not a child person ... she just about coped with us as children xx

Just give her lots of love - she will need it if her parents have split up. Turn her into a joy and not a duty.

I'm afraid I would be the same.I would go as far as to say,deep down everyone would,although they would never admit it.Its human nature.I suppose the trick is not to let the child know it,it's not her fault of course.If only people would put the child first,there's so many children with issues,I know lots.The parents won't acknowledge it though.To see the problem means you have to put it right.

I have adopted children in my family - we love them just the same. So - deep down I do not make any distinction, nor feel the same way as the OP about a child who is part of the family by some other means than biology.

So - Marmark - not everybody would feel the same - count me out!

As I have said,very few would admit to it.But that's fine,I expected such a response.Im sure you love the children.Its just that,(for me) I can't imagin loving someone else's like my own.But then,when it comes to love,I'm a very much all or nothing unconditional kind.I have two god daughters who I see a lot of and love them very much,but not like I love my grandchildren.

I hear what you are saying, but would you really engineer it so that this little lass is left out?

Count me out Marmark1 - I find it very odd that children are not deemed loveable unless they are blood relations.
They are going to be a family of 6 and the little girl is equal half sister to the new baby as the two grandsons, so I don't see why she should be treated differently and you can't babysit etc.
I would see it as an added bonus that someone gives you the honour of being an extra grandparent- I can't think of a higher honour than being offered a close relationship with someone else's child.

Treat them all the same or the little girl will pick up on this and despise you later on. She is here to stay.
She probably is a little darling, do not be unkind to her.

I'm in the camp with luckygirl and Leticia. You can count me out too Marmark. And I find your assertion that everybody feels like you but won't admit it, to be incredibly arrogant. How dare you suggest that anyone not in agreement with you is being untruthful? I have direct experience in my extended family of a child whose birth mother has no genetic connection to her. The very idea that her child is somehow not as worthy of its grandparents' love as their other grandchildren would be extremely hurtful and upsetting to them.

I wonder why your reacting so,of course all children are lovable(well most are,I know of one or two only a mother could love) for me (and I still say most would not admit to it) but for me,I know I could not love someone else's like I do my own.If I was in that position(and I doubt now I ever will be) but if I was,yes I would try my hardest not to let anybody know it.But I know in the back of my mind they wouldn't be mine.Thats me,my opinion ,you don't have to agree,but you do have to be civil.

Actually, we don't.

Although I can't see that anyone has been uncivil on this thread.

Never blame the child for the parents, this little girl could be a lovely grandchild for you, treat her just the same, even if you feel differently about her.

I would ask yourself how you would feel if your grandchild got two step siblings and then a half sibling and they got singled out for second class treatment in the family.

Lucky you, OP, to have an extra grandchild. Plenty of people have none and would be only too delighted to gain one. Poor little soul, I expect she needs all the love she can get at this time. In my book, it's up to you to provide some of it.

What's with the we? Do you conspire together,then gang up on a person.Is that the way it works here?

If you're referring to my post, Marmark1, I was responding to your post in which you stated you don't have to agree, but you do have to be civil.

I was assuming you meant Gransnet posters in general, not just one. No one likes being told what they can and cannot do.

The OP was being very honest about her feelings and asked if she would always feel that way.

I think it was perfectly OK for her to have her own two grandchildren mid-week, first because I think two children is already a bit of a handful, second we know that the little girl calls her grandma but she might already have active grandparents in her life, and lastly, the child is coming to spend time with her dad and her mother might not want her daughter going elsewhere.

Many people have blended families and make great efforts - I'm sure sweet does her best to be kind to this little girl and not make her feel left out or different.

It must be very hard for small children to be shuttling between houses and different family set-ups.

One of my friends has a blended family and one weekend had her eldest grandson, his half sister, her half brother and his half brother staying! Only two of them were actual grandchildren. She doesn't necessarily love the others but acknowledges they are all part of her extended family and can see its important that they all treated the same.

Isn't that the crux of the matter though - "it's important that they are all treated the same"? It doesn't mean that you have the same depth of feeling for them all - that can be different even your own blood children and grandchildren.

I think it must be very difficult coping with all the emotions involved in blended families but we just have to do our best.

So is it inevitable, marmark that I love my DGCs less because we adopted their mother ?