Step-grandchildren

When my DDs were young they had a dear friend whose family was in turmoil from marital breakdowns. For many years this lass became an informal member of our family, often staying with us and going on holiday with us; and we were there to mop her up when the going got tough. I love her dearly and we jokingly call her our extra daughter. She has moved away and has a family of her own so we do not see her very often but are always mutually delighted when we do. She has a good relationship with her mother and with the man who she regards as her father, as he was the partner who was around most during her childhood (he is not her biological father). I am glad that we happened to be on the spot at the right time to contribute some stability to her life. When she was with us or away with us we treated her no differently from our own. She is a great joy!

In the same way as I fell in love with my husband I fell in 'parental' love with a boy I informally mothered from the age of seven and another I fostered from the age of fifteen. I love them both dearly and my children regard them as brothers. I have other boys I fostered that I am deeply fond of, and would even say I have loving feelings for, but not in the same way.
Nowadays blended families are pretty much the norm and as long as the children are deeply loved by significant people and treated kindly by others they will thrive.

My MIL & her parents were brilliant when I left my ex - welcomed my daughters and treated them like their own. Sadly when they became teenagers, they kicked over the traces and showed absolutely no gratitude.

I'm a step-gran; I didn't have any children from my 1st marriage but my 2nd husband has a son and a daughter. Each of them has two children, all 4 of whom I've known since they were born. They call me Grandma and I can only say that they have given me such joy. It has been pointed out to me that I am not their "real" grandmother but I always say that makes my love for them (and theirs for me) even more precious because I don't have to love them.

My DH and I have both been married before and have 4 children between us. He has 2 boys from his first marriage and I have a boy and girl from mine. We both love our stepchildren and treat them equally, but for me the love is different from that I have for my own two. Our children are all adults now and married. My son and daughter have given me 5 beautiful grandchildren who I adore and know my DH loves. Up until 18 months ago DH had no grandchildren of his own, and then his son and his wife announced that they were expecting a baby. I was so thrilled that he would have a grandchild of his own at last, but had no idea how I would feel about this new addition to the family, just that it would be lovely to have a baby in the family again. ( I think I was a bit afraid that I wouldn't feel the same as I do for my natural Grandchildren). The first time I set eyes on this beautiful baby girl I felt a great rush of love for her. Her Mummy and Daddy have said that they don't want me to be a 'step Grandma' (just Grandma) or for there to be any 'step Aunties and Uncles or cousins', which I think is lovely.

Agree very much with Gagagran.

For my part I did not think as far as being a Nan (I chose to be a mum but I didnt choose to be a Nan) and sometimes even with the best will in the world the expected emotions do not come naturally even in 'ordinary' families. It might need some working on as I know from experience.

We should be made to feel guilty or unnatural. It must be a joy to have these feelings naturally.

We have step grandchildren(our daughter's stepsons) whom we like and who seem to like us. (She has no children of her own.) We don't see as much of them as we would like, but when we do get together we all have fun. Our daughter gets on really well with them and they stay with her and their Dad most weekends. We did think at first that we might be surrogate grandparents and would have quite liked them to call us Grandma and Grandad, but we had to bear in mind that these boys have already got grandparents and we have to respect that. They have always called us by our first names and I suppose we treat them a bit like nephews. My other daughter's children think of them as cousins, and their parents think of them as nephews. It seems to work pretty well. There aren't any hard and fast rules, you have to work out what suits you all best. sweetlittlrtriffid I think you are doing really well and I would stop worrying.

Sorry Marmark1 senior moment I meant the OP of course sweetetc Should remember to scroll to top and not rely on previous posters

I looked after a friend' s grandson from he was a young baby until he was four and I only stopped because I moved house. He came along a year before my first granddaughter was born. I love him like a grandson he calls me nana Anne. He still has sleepovers with me and when I don't see him I really miss him. He has told me time and time again I am part of his family. He is five now and has me,a nana,a gran and soon he will have a step- gran.
A child cannot have too many people love him and a gran cannot love too many people. Love is like elastic it just grows. Love this little girl like your own grandchild as love can never be the wrong thing.

That banging you can hear,is my head hitting the wall.
Regards to you all.can we celebrate our differences,it's what creates the interest.

I am sorry you can't feel the way you think you should Marmark1. I haven't any step-grandchildren, although my DGS has step-grandparents. But I have had a lot of contact with children all my life, some of them I have loved very much, some I have just been friendly with and some I haven't really liked at all (not many thank goodness). I wonder what it is about this little girl that stops you loving her? Does she make you worry about your DD's relationship? Are afraid your DGSs might one day be in the same position? Your DD has obviously accepted her, couldn't you start by including this little girl as much as possible. If you also need time with just your DGSs I am sure that can be fitted in.

Dear Florentine
I don't mind you disagreeing with me,it would be a really boring forum if everyone was like sheep.But you may have got a little mixed up,it isn't me who has the step grandchild.
Regards to you.

Dear Marmark1,

I have to say that I disagree with you; if you open your heart to a child, you will find it easy to love them. Rather than analysing whom you love more/better, remember that there are all different kinds of love, and every child is special in their own way. Just relax and enjoy the relationship, without focusing too much on the fact that she is biologically not your GC

Reading between the lines here -
I have 2 grandsons from my daughter and she is now expecting with her partner who already has a 4yr old girl

Do your grandsons also have step-grandparents? If so, how is that relationship I wonder?

sweetlittlrtriffid,

I don't know if you said how long this little girl has been in your life, but do try to give her time and I'm sure she will creep imperceptibly into your heart.

Why not suggest something easy - maybe an afternoon baking? All 4 year olds seem to love that. In your place I think I would try to carve out a little slot to get to know her. I think staying over is probably not an issue (unless she is asking) as her Dad (and your daughter) will want time with her at weekends. I really do think it's about CONTACT. On the whole, you get to know people and then you get to love them.

I can understand that Dot - this is after all your ex son in law and new girlfriend, and I can't imagine any reason why you would become connected to her/their children. That would be taking the blended family to another level entirely. Your grandchildren will, of course, have a connection to the new baby, as it will be their half-sibling and I imagine you will enjoy their excitement when the baby arrives and talk to them about him/her. But given that you don't even live near them and are unlikely to meet the new baby, you could not be expected to feel anything towards it, other than the normal rush of warmth we all feel towards any new baby.
I have several great nieces and nephews. They are connected to my by blood, I know they exist, but they are hundreds of miles away and I have never met most of them. There is, of course, a familial feeling, but it can't really be called love.

I feel some people are being a little harsh as the OP has been honest about her feelings. I have a friend who has step-grandchildren as well as one grandchild and she looks after the step-grandchildren far more than her grandson as they live nearer. She does everything she would do for her own flesh and blood, but has admitted to me that deep down she will never love them as she does her grandson. I'm sure this is never apparent to the children though. You can't help what you feel deep down.

Connections depend on many different circumstances. If we never see a stepgrandchild then that child is a child to be welcomed and shown to be cared for, if and when the occasion arises. It's hard to make a relationship at a distance.

I first had 2 stepgrandchildren, then a totally unexpected dgs, then another stepgrandchild who lives distant. My blood dgc also lives very far away. As much as is possible no difference is made amongst them. I send little gifts now and again to those far away. The dgc who live nearby already get little treats.

Today I am posting a T shirt and sweat shirt, a Mr Men book, and some chocolates to ds and dil and dgs who live far distant. The clothing for dgs is GAP, is brand new and from a Charity Shop, the chocolates were a gift at Christmas and something that my waistline doesn't need.

To dh and myself they are all our grandchildren. The 2 sdgc who live nearby (8 and 5) just know that their daddy had another mummy when he was a little boy but now I'm his special mummy. To them I am Granny and very honoured to be so.
I love them with all my heart.
My brain knows they are steps, my heart makes no difference. And the kids don't give a fiddler's fart......

My ex son in law has moved in with his new girlfriend (C). My grandchildren went to stay with their Dad for the second week of the Christmas holidays and came home with the news that C was having a baby due to be born in April. C has already had three kiddies from other relationships so baby will be number four. I have never met C or her kiddies and probably won't as my daughter, myself and grandkiddies moved away. Perhaps if I was in the same area I might get to know C and her kiddies and the new baby but to be honest I don't feel that I have any kind of connection with them.

My daughter and her husband have a little girl, who's four. She's our first grandchild and we adore her. Son in law was married before and has three other children. I rarely see them, maybe twice a year. I always send them Christmas presents, but have never been thanked. This really annoys me. I used to send birthday presents too, but stopped because they were never acknowledged. I don't really feel any connection with these children. Sorry but that's the way it is.

Sounds a bit 'sins of the fathers' (or mothers) and this little girl should not be held in anyway responsible/accountable to the actions of the adults in her life. The children should all be treated the same and I acknowledge that it may be difficult to love a child other than ones own grandchildren in the same way, but this should never be apparent to the other child or children.

If sweet really wants to see her grandsons on their own then why not be up front about it and say she would like to have them on their own occasionally. I sometimes like to have my grandchildren separately now and again so they have the chance to form their own special relationship with me, all children are different so what you do with them, talk to them about will be different. I have no indication that they ever feel left out - I would soon be told if they did!

I had a very difficult stepdaughter but she came into my life when she was 12 so a bit different from a small child. she had been put on a pedestal all her life and when she visited the 'house rules' changed dramatically for her. My then husband and I concurred totally about the upbringing of my children and he was a very good stepfather, still is and as far as I know is a very good stepgrandfather to my grandchildren with which I am very pleased. His attitude to his own daughter was totally different and I really objected to a lot - not only from my own point of view but because I felt it was not advantageous to his daughter - as she grew up I was proved right!

I say all this because maybe the dynamics in sweets blended family could have an affect on the situation - how she is regarded in her life with her mother, and her father's attitude towards her in the new family. All very complicated and very difficult to get right. But children can in no way be punished by what happens between their parents, but compensatory behaviour by parents can be equally damaging.

Riverwalk,I agree,I'm sure it will be hard for the child,that's why they will need to feel part of the group,and I would try my hardest to fulfill that task.Im just saying for me,it would not come naturally.I would do it,if I had to,but,and it's a big but.I know with out a doubt I would give my life for my son and grandchildren,Yes I would do all in power for any child,BUT,there's the but again.

Count me out too Marmark . I have 2 step grandchildren and 1 grandchild all of whom I treat and feel the same about . Children are very easy to love if you have it in you .

So is it inevitable, marmark that I love my DGCs less because we adopted their mother ?

Isn't that the crux of the matter though - "it's important that they are all treated the same"? It doesn't mean that you have the same depth of feeling for them all - that can be different even your own blood children and grandchildren.

I think it must be very difficult coping with all the emotions involved in blended families but we just have to do our best.