Making a virtue out of frugality.

I don't know anyone like that, because if someone made me feel that way I would avoid them.
Each to their own!

Would that I could! She's the SIL of a friend of mine so is often at social events that we're at or else at my friend's house.

My elderly ex-mil whom I shop for is this person, apart from the not having on the heating.. she says those exact words 'oh I wouldn't know about that' and follows it with 'because I don't have a television'. She knows best about everything and tends to ignore or talk over any comments she doesn't agree with..
I know do the same I say my piece and then change the subject ignoring her.. 'oh I wouldn't know about that'. It is annoying but as she's 90 this year I give her a bit of leeway....
I must admit if I had to deal with her more often as you do your friend I would tend to avoid her .

You are probably one of the biggest treats in her life, enabling her to feel morally superior. If you can't avoid her, feel sorry for her. Look at her pityingly. Ask her if she's feeling ok. It's worked for me in the past.

Never saw myself as a treat JaneR....maybe I should look on it as doing 'good works'! Will try the pitying look next time

She sounds very self absorbed. Surely the whole idea of polite social interaction (you say she's not a proper friend) is basic good manners....i.e. making others feel welcomed into your company. If I have a visitor I'd hate them to feel uncomfortable.

well said Janerowena. Turn her so called moral superiority around and pity her. Offer to do her hair for her, or take her shopping for clothes. But mainly, be smug content that you are who you are, and that your life is happier than hers, for nobody can honestly be happy living in a cold damp house, not by a choice.

I think it could be quite a fun way to live if it was just you. Sort of 'cocking a snoop' at the world. I would burn wood fires (collected from the woods) all day and perhaps eat bread and dripping. And stick sheet polythene over the windows in the winter. And have a thick door curtain.

Why is this post turning into a version of "When I am old"?

(in the absence of a vacuum cleaner emoti)

I have chosen to live that life in the past - but then I was young and healthy. Now I want heat, a tumble dryer (I've only had mine for 5 years!) and cashmere jumpers and long-sleeved t-shirts in every colour and a bit of bling!

But never ever looked at others in the manner described.

Avoid her as much as possible unless you have to meet her on family occasions.

I wonder if she is filthy rich though?
When I was growing up there was an unmarried old lady living next door who looked so poor we felt sorry for her. She was very thin, always wore the same shrunken old cardigan held together with a safety pin and looked cold and half-starved.
She was always calling my DF in to 'unblock her sink'. He said he didn't want to do this as there was loads of money stuffed in the cupboard under the sink.
DM used to pass her a hot dinner over the fence on Sundays, but said she couldn't invite her in as she smelt so much.
When she fell ill DM had to go in and then decided to call an ambulance. It turned out there was money stuffed in vases, in cupboards and she owned that house, the house next door rented by her brother and sister and another house in town.

Frugal doesn't begin to explain it!

Sometimes we just have to accept that our mission in life is to make others feel good about themselves. As long as we are happy in our own skin does it really matter.
Katek - you are helping your friend to feel good and superior so continue to dress however you want and let her live her fantasy! The smarter you are the better she will feel.

Why do you persist with this acquaintance if she makes you feel so uncomfortable?
She sounds interestingly eccentric.
Do you care enough about her to have a chat with her about your feelings? You may be surprised to find that she is completely unaware of her impact upon you.

Maybe her way of life is her way of 'being in control' in the same way that some of us are always on diets [guilty] etc. I wonder if she's had some sort of trauma in her life of some kind? Mind you, I have a neighbour [a great neighbour; in 40 years we've never not got on] but she's always had lots of holidays and ran new cars, things that we, as a family could never afford, and yet, because my ex had quite a high ranking job [albeit, being an engineer not terribly well paid] she was always going on about how well off WE were . It was almost a relief when my marriage broke up and I fell on hard'ish times.

Katek has said she is the SiL of her friend, so she is unavoidable.
I empathise, my friend's brother is a nightmare. Someone I would avoid at all costs if I could.

I have a friend like that. His doesn't have many clothes and what he has were inexpensive and are now very old. Ditto his furniture and other household things. He is 'green' to within an inch of his life. Never wastes food right down to the last crumb. Hasn't visited a barber since he was a young boy. Won't eat in restaurants.

Phew! I often feel like a bloated, over indulged lotus eater compared to him but I think it would be worse if he was a woman.

A tumble dryer will not help the condensation. I have dried my winter washing indoors on clothes horses for the fortyseven years we have lived in this house and it has never caused any condensation. I would think she needs to keep the house a bit warmer.

Katek You can choose to let this woman make you feel inferior.
Or you can choose to live your life by your own standards and be comfortable in that choice, and simply ignore it.
Why let someone else make you feel inferior when you are not? You have just as much right to make your own choices as she does.

Toi be honest, I think it would make me feel superior.

I live fairly frugally myself, but this is so that I can afford a few treats in life. I am happy with my lifestyle and quite enjoy making do and mending. It's all a question of degree. Your friend doesn't sound a very happy person and there seem to be some personality types who can tip over the edge from frugality into meanness and stinginess.

Many of us, in retirement, have to cope with limited means but this doesn't mean begrudging every penny. I can no longer afford expensive restaurant meals but I have become adept at seeking out Early Bird deals and so forth. I guess your friend is really to be pitied.

I have a friend who has no TV by choice - she makes me feel like a mindless telly addict. I find it deeply irritating. Best avoided really I think.

Katek I had an uncle like that. He had grown up in poverty in Yorkshire during the Depression of the 1930s, but got a civil service job when he was 17. His work was considered essential so he wasn't called up in WW2 and he ended up as a senior civil servant who in today's values was earning over £70,000 a year and yet.......

.... he bought most of his clothes in charity shops and after his wife died never had the heating on. As a result the house got damp and when I went to the wardrobe to take him clothes in the Care Home he had gone into, I had to throw the whole lot away because the clothes and wardrobe were solid with strands of mildew. He bought the cheapest of food for himself, but really appreciated the quality when I fed him bacon and sausages I bought at my local farm shop.

How did I deal with him? Well I did realise that a lot of his frugality was caused by depression and a deep lack of self-worth that came from the circumstances of his childhood. He never wanted to be at the beck and call of an employer like the one his father had, who sacked him when his second son (my uncle) left school and got a job, saying 'you've got sons to support you now, I am giving the job to someone who needs it (ie he could tyrannise the way he had DU's father)

DU saved obsessively all his life to be free from work, he retired at 50, but when he had the freedom and income. he just didn't know how not to scrimp and save.

I just used to laugh and tease him gently and if I was staying and it was cold I put the heating on. If the food was dreadful I would insist on eating out (at my expense). But essentially he was a kind and lovely man who often gave money to people he knew were in need, adored his wife, but was born with a skin too few and felt too heavily all the pain of the world.

I would jingle my Pandora bracelet every time I saw her and mention the new charm I just bought!

She sounds as if it is her mission in life to spend as little as possible (which is fine for her) and make other people feel bad if they 'indulge' themselves.

If she says anything about your nails, hair, clothes etc Katek just say 'It's because I'm worth it!'

Thanks for all your suggestions/reassurances-I feel a little less jangled. FlicketyB I was very touched by the story of your uncle, he sounds as if he was a gentle soul.

DH is of the opinion that now is our time. We've worked hard, made sacrifices for the children, scrimped and scraped to make ends meet (and DH has had 2 heart attacks in the process) but now we can indulge ourselves a little. We don't smoke, drink, go out a lot, spend lots on clothes or travel. We have a nice home and cars and are just enjoying having that little bit extra for ourselves. I'm just trying to work out what it is about this woman that can make me feel extravagant and self indulgent yet cheap at the same time!

(Question to self: Why do I feel I have to justify my actions in above para? Or am I overthinking?)

Off to jangle the jewellery in Tesco!