DD3 is married to an idiot!!

Yes you are right, an idiot. What did he think would happen when he acquired a wife and a fast family? That he could continue to go his own way and ignore their needs? He is a selfish child. No wonder he was single (divorced?) at 50.

If he came home for a day or two, sorted out the house mess and gave some support to DD3 she would feel so much better that she might not need the medication for long.

Have you told him so, or would you be sent on your way for interfering?

A bad situation all round then Kitty. I suppose all you can do is help out where you can and talk to DD3 about things in a sympathetic way.In a few years the children will be a bit older and she will have a bit of time to herself then. In the meantime at least she will have you to 'vent' to and be a support for her.

He lives in the house and it's a mess? Then he can take some responsibility and un-mess it, then she might feel a little bit better. Or/and he could become an active husband and father and support your DD, taking an equal role in the home when he gets in from work. What's up with the man?

Exactly right Elegran! He was divorced with two teenagers when DD met him and freely admits he didn't do enough to help first time round. To be fair, he is a good cook and takes over the kitchen when he is home but DD likes cooking and would relish the chance to do more without the children under her feet.

He emailed DH to complain about 'your daughter' but we are trying to steer clear of it as we think he has more or less decided to leave and we don't want to alienate him any more - sort of damage limitation.

DD came to stay with us over the weekend, without the children, but he just took them to see family both days.

kitty what an absolute prize idiot he is,he stays away all week then complains the house is a mess when he is home your poor girl must be beside herself with two little ones.
If he is so fastidious about the house let him pay for a cleaner/part-time housekeeper to help her there may be someone local who would be glad of a few hours work not maybe on a regular basis but as and when needed.
He does sound like many men who can't live on their own once they are divorced he also sounds like someone who needs a very swift talking too by your OH or yourself to put him straight on the needs of your DD.

My heartfelt sympathy kitty we have a similar situation which I am dealing with almost singlehanded as DH's memory problems are worsening.If the worse happens in our case we will have two divorced offspring when we ourselves have been married for 55 years!!

I feel for you. Without going into details, I'm now trying to help with the aftermath. A daughter who is ill, with 2 little ones but away from him. She spent a lot of time in hospital but he wasn't put out by it. He assumed, correctly, that she'd be visited, her needs attended to and the children fed and looked after. His complete lack of caring brought things to a head and now she's just about coping but free from him.

A prize prat, kitty. Your DD is so lucky to have you. It seems that it would be a good thing if he did leave - for the sake of your DD's mental state.

I was so sorry to learn of this kitty. It doesn't look good and you are going to be needed more than ever but at the very least get him to cough up for some help at home and support your DD emotionally in every way you can. Heart breaking when a man is so insensitive and plain selfish.

Thank you all for your input. I think we are all agreed he is a prat - although DD1 has a string of wonderful expletives reserved for someone who is hurting her 'baby' sister! And, yes, we would prefer it if he just left so that DD could move on. I'm not sure she sees it that way and she is not good at opening up to us.

I am sorry that you are going through the same thing annsixty and mcem We have been married nearly 44 years and three of our five have chosen badly, although DS2 has a lovely partner now and is a brilliant father to her two boys!

At the moment my cleaner is helping out DD and acting as our early warning system! I am doing the washing, our tumble dryer doesn't know what has hit it as it usually just sits quietly in the garage minding its own business but is currently working its little socks off, DD has stayed 2 nights each of the last 3 weeks (with the children!!!!) and Annabel Karmel's ready made children's meals profits will be soaring!!

It is such a relief to have talked to you lot (as soop would say) - we keep going round in circles and the one friend I would normally tell my troubles to, has troubles of her own at the moment!

Dear kittylester - yes he sounds a prat! However, as my dear Mum always used to say no one really knows what's going on in a marriage - and that includes the ones in it.
Acting as a sort of devils advocate I'd just like to throw a few thoughts out there.
Your DD did choose this, on the face of it, unedifying husband, so perhaps she sees something in him. He must be fully aware of your opinion of him so he will be unlikely to see anything from your point of view. The is obviously a real crisis at the moment but as you are always there to pick up the pieces you might just be inadvertently helping to perpetuate the situation. Until your daughter admits or perhaps even recognises that she does not want things to carry on as they are, they will stay the same because she's got you 5 minutes away to help out.

I can feel you fuming at me as I type this but, it comes from a bit of experience. As Mums, we cannot bear the idea of our children suffering but sometimes we can be a bit too quick to step in and although we are helping at the time, in the long run we just might be undermining our childrens' ability to solve their own problems.

Very wise words Hilda I should have stepped back with my DS's marriage and saved some prolonged heartache for us all.

kitty You have my sympathies too, as I'm also experiencing similar with both my children at once!
No sooner is one crisis over than another one starts!

"Don't worry Mum" they say.............

I hope improve soon for you kitty and you mcem

Yours are wise words indeed Hilda

DD does want things to change but Sil has told us that she can't accept its all her fault! And, she would feel better if she pulled herself together and stopped having silly panic attacks! He is truly enlightened and enlightening!

Panic attacks are never silly, they need support and some sort of intervention. Fingers crossed your DD can get the help she needs so that she is equipped to make the changes she needs.

I just think it's a good job you are so close, for your own peace of mind as much as to help your daughter and the littlies. It's so hard when you can't make things better.

Panic attacks must be horrid. But they are not an illness. So be glad she is healthy kitty.
First aid for panic attacks is to Breath Slowly into a paper bag. Hyperventilating flushes too much carbon dioxide out of bloodstream and that in turn created dizziness, fainting and other symptoms. If you breathe the stale air back in out of your paper bag you help to boost up the co2 in your bloodstream.

I disagree Jess; panic attacks may not be a physical disease but ARE classed as a mental illness.

yes, he sounds a real joy. Your daughter is lucky to have you to support her. Try not to forget to look after yourself and your relationship with your husband

Having two babies relatively quickly can be a shock to the system and having one of them ill and in hospital will be very worrying. DH was away a lot (months at a time) when DD1 and DS were babies and small toddlers and I found it very hard, as my DP were over 100 miles away (and did not drive) and MIL worked and had an elderly DM to look after as well.
Is it possible DD3 is suffering from PND? Husband needs someone to tell him that he has to be more supportive, and if he can't be then he will have to pay someone to help with the housework.

Of course the house is a bit of a mess with two babies - if he wanted a perfect, ordered house then he should not have got married again and had another family. I hope he will soon realise that he needs to change his ways.

Kitty I am so sorry you are having to deal with all this.
The thing that struck me most about your account was your SiL emailing your DH about 'your daughter'.
That is not a normal way to behave and I think you are quite right to keep your distance and not allow him to draw you in.
I don't know about CBT but perhaps your daughter would benefit from some counselling to help her decide what she really wants?

My SiL is nearly 50, has been quite ill himself, but makes a lot of effort to help with the house and children. He does admit that he's finding it quite hard to cope with lively youngsters at his age - but he does get A for effort.

Deedaa - could we swap?

Iam - DH and I are fine - we have our shared dislike of the idiot in common

I suspect DD is suffering from PND rose to misquote Winston Churchill - she will get better but he will always be a prat!!

Jane - we are treading very carefully at the moment as DD is not at the stage of complaining to us about him yet! We seem to have bred 5 children who are loyal to a fault!

DD is going to the GP again today and then coming to stay the night.

kitty I do hope your DD gets some help from her GP to-day I really do think the time will come when she does confide in you,maybe she is frightened of those "I told you so" words something which I'm sure you would never do,we had this with our DD as she was too frightened to admit she had made a drastic mistake when she married "her idiot" once she got things off her chest things improved,We where also lucky enough to live nearby so we could be available as and when she needed us.