DD3 is married to an idiot!!

I bumped into a friend the other day, the first thing she did was wail "I hate being a parent to adult children!"

She has 4 children all in their 20s and early 30s. I laughed because she doted on them when they were little. I also laughed because I know what she means!

Meant to add, DD3 is coming with DS1, Dh and I to DD1's house today for lunch, leaving the idiot to look after his two little one and his two older children. Bet they go out for lunch!

Oh yes Nelliemoser I have admitted to myself for some time that my D's marriage was not working but as far as friends and other family are concerned there is no problem .I wonder sometimes if I am being given the same impression as to the "wonderful marriages" of their own children.

It's flipping hard being a parent, isn't it!

Reading Kitty and Speckies posts is interesting. The idea that our children make their choice of partner/marriage, based on how they viewed our choices, does not seem to work out.

I did think that choices of a partner was usually reflected by parental example but I am not so sure now. Perhaps my relationship was not in the state of near collapse it is now when my children were still at home.

Yes I also feel I am to blame in some way.

I do have reservations about my sons relationship in particular and my DDs husband seems far too addicted to his computer games and rather OCD about tidiness etc.

Its very hard to acknowledge that you have worries about your kids relationships, We all like to "pretend" it's all happy successful families.

(((hugs))) to all in this situation.

Actually, I do think that marriage is a pot luck affair really. DH and I have grown together rather than apart but it is more by luck than judgment I believe.

But it doesn't stop one worrying about or being hurt for them when they get it so obviously wrong. The risk of causing a split with them, as I said above, could result in them having no where to turn when/if it all goes wrong.

kitty - I did take my youngest on one side before the marriage and ask what he thought he was doing. He agreed that there was a problem and came home for a week, then went back to her saying that he missed her. I also asked for clarification from my eldest when his new wife was clearly taking him rapidly to the cleaners. This resulted in him not speaking to me for 7 months. Soon after this the twins were conceived and it was all too late.

My dog and my cat give me infinite adoration and no trouble! Need I say more?

It is easy to feel a bit to blame when they get it wrong, isn't it?

But, had we taken DD on one side and suggested that he was not good husband material, we would not have a good relationship with her now and she would be adrift.

DS2's wife was so obviously wrong that we all stood by in amazement as he went through with it despite the fact that we tried, during one of their many premarriage breakups, to tell him it was a bad idea.

DS1's wife we loved! But she let him down badly when he had a stroke and needed to come to live in England (from Japan). She brought him home, went to pack up the rest of their belongings and never came back.

As I said above, DH and I have been married nearly 44 years and all the children profess to wanting a marriage like ours - so how do they choose so badly!

OMG !!!!
All your stories of incompetent s/dils hit home with me today. My two chose badly (but hey, what kind of an example did I set them?!). So my youngest was 'binned ' as soon as ex dil had ticked the boxes entitled:
"find compliant sperm donor"
"conceive 2 kids to be brought up to school age by said compliant sperm donor"
"file divorce petition citing spurious sins by sperm donor"
"achieve maximum settlement and matrimonial home"
"change locks".

My eldest was snapped up for his high salary and savings which were immediately requisitioned to provide caribbean wedding and then the funds for a business (which failed with massive losses, owing to her laziness). Then his remaining savings were commandeered to fund IVF treatments which resulted in twins who are now proving to be too much trouble for her to raise and are tumbling into miniature anarchists.

Just come back from visiting them all so the horror of it all is still vivid!

If he has got such a high flying job then he can afford to pay for some help around the house and then it wouldn't be in such a mess when he finally decided to come home. What is it they say, knows all of his rights but not his responsibilities.

Perhaps she should try whacking him with a wooden spoon when she is baking.

I think it's unforgiveable to use expressions such as "barking mad" and "a screw loose". Despite his age, this man sounds really immature and insensitive and obviously has no understanding of how difficult and exhausting it can be to be in sole charge of young children for days on end.

Frankly, I think your daughter would be better off without him. It's bad enough feeling tired and unable to cope but to be married to someone so unsupportive and critical must crush your daughter's confidence and add to her feelings of depression and anxiety.

Luckily, she has you and your family and I hope that, whatever happens, she gradually starts to feel better.

Flower, how I longed to punch the lights out of remonstrate with DN's husband who was an absolute wotsit.

penstemmon I think that is such a good point you made about allowing our adult children the freedom to make their own decisions without worrying about how we feel about things.

Flowerofthewest that's a lovely first sentence. Says it all!

I would love to kick him in the 'wotsits' as my friend said once about a boy stamping on a crab. Just let me loose on the twerp.

Yes, GrannyK, petallus and granjura. I think DDs are telepathic!

Kitty, have not read all the thread (sorry, so busy at the moment). Has SIL got parents and do you see them at all? Or are they just as difficult?
Has he got other problems and is projecting them on to his home life?

SIL should not be badmouthing his wife to the in-laws. This is totally out of order and you should tell him so and have no truck with it.

Same here ....

Grannyknot I've got a daughter like yours, sees straight through me, not only when I'm thinking one thing and diplomatically saying something else but even on the phone she seems to pick things up.

Spooky and rather inconvenient

mc, that made me smile wryly. There is no ideal, is there.

Grannyknot boy/girl next door scenario is a no-no. When the s* hits the fan it's not just the breaking relationship that suffers but all the others too. Both sides advised against but a few years on we're exactly where we didn't want to be with decades-long friendships in ruins!

kitty what a situation for you to be in. And nothing you can do about it. I agree with what most of Penstemmon says above, but I have no chance of "engineering a conversation" with my daughter, she always sees straight through me and says "Are you trying to say XXX" and makes me spit it out .

With my happy daughter about to get married to a (dear, darling) monosyllabic geek (who would drive me up the wall), and us still finding our feet with son's new wife and in-laws, I sometimes fantasise that my children married the "boy or girl next door" and I had known them and their parents forever

Just vent on here and let it run its course. He sounds like the idiot you say he is.

Kitty a difficult situation for you and your DD and DGCs too.
Do you think you idiot SiL is building up for a separation by 'blaming' & 'judging' your DD?

When your DD is feeling stronger could you engineer a conversation about a hypothetical situation where a couple were happier apart then together and how that is always better than sticking it out! If she knows you feel like that if she comes to that choice herself she will know you will not be disappointed and that she does not need to put your feelings into the equation.

My DD is with an older chap, by 12 yrs. He has 3 older kids in their late teens/20s. They have a relationship that would not suit me and sometimes I do wonder how she puts up with him! However he is a good 'provider' and hard worker but is sometimes insensitive and selfish! They rub along and she is not unhappy on a daily basis..just life's usual ups and down. I suppose what I am trying to say is that there is never any real knowing of another couples relationship. All you can do as a parent is be there when needed!

With an attitude like that from ypur SIL I am shaking my head in despair. How dare he use terms like those quoted? A firm slap would be high on my to do list. I wish her well dare I say shot of him? I cannot imagine how you must be feeling on her behalf

Sounds like a self-centred bar steward to quote granjura. Sorry that doesn't sound very positive.
Will he change, can they meet halfway? Or actually he needs to go three-quarters at least. I hope so, please let us know, it is so hard to feel helpless when your DC are unhappy.
DN is nearly 50 and has two small children, I know he finds it hard but he is wonderful with them. So it is not an age thing, as he works hard too and has a lot of stress with his DM as well.