Recognising a pattern

Oh Lemonjam that’s horrific
My husbands behaviour manifested after our first child too
He used the bully them in secret
I wasn’t aware of the extent
I put it down to misdirected anger due perceived lack of attention after the birth ie blaming the child
Always awful at home and lovely outside
Told people ℹ had mental health issues
Became much more selfish and nasty as he grew older
I only relatively recently did my own research to understand this better
I had stayed due financial pressures
Even though very unhappy at times
After our child left home the anger came my way
I was the new victim
Mean , nasty aggressive and increasingly threatening me
I found support very limited or in existent in hiw to deal with this behaviour
I used avoidance -goung out , creating new social groups etc
Not a solution but made me feel better
I’m trying a new path now remains to be seen how this will pan out

Gwyllt

Narcs are very clever people they do not expose themselves to the majority at least coverts do not
If fact they can come over as charming to the majority
Their chosen few suffer but find it difficult to confide in folks as the narcs are so charming to the majority and much of the abuse is subtle snd behing closed doors.
Leaving is not always a possibility for financial reasons and personal blackmail.

This I can relate to. Mt ex husband was very charming. Very charming to me when we first met. He changed towards me once married and I had a baby- though remained charming to others.

Always keen to protect his image in public. One occasion just before Christmas he head butted me- resulted in black eyes and by Boxing Day multi coloured bruises down my face. On the way to a family visit I was told I must say that I'd slipped on the ice or the next time would be worse.

It did get worse until I got my light bulb moment and ducks in a row....

I did find it very difficult to confide in others. I did find it hard to leave. And yes emotional black mail followed.

I'm very aware of abuse .
I think that my neighbour has destroyed her marriage with her constant verbal onslaught.
She then wondered why her sex life became non existent.
Angry and frustrated-she is never at home but out with friends complaining about him.
But I see more abuse directed at wives and often in insidious ways indicative of narcissistic behaviour .

Interesting to see how varied your experiences are

Be grateful if you’ve not seen this !

I have experienced both narcissism and seen this old fashioned male domineering behaviour

Most women I know would not be subservient to this thank goodness but in some circles I’m in touch with it’s rampant

Seems to be tolerated because of fear

In these set ups the wives were not independant financially and somewhat self deprecating

This seems to encourage this boorish behaviour

Lived it seen it with family and friends it's best dealt with the best way you can. Life is short only you can make life easier for yourself so why suffer.

Narcs are very clever people they do not expose themselves to the majority at least coverts do not
If fact they can come over as charming to the majority
Their chosen few suffer but find it difficult to confide in folks as the narcs are so charming to the majority and much of the abuse is subtle snd behing closed doors.
Leaving is not always a possibility for financial reasons and personal blackmail.

poetryarchive.org/poem/they-should-have-asked-my-husband/

There's a lovely poem by Pam Ayres called "They should have asked my Husband" which makes me laugh. I can't do links, but you might be able to find it.

I have never come across so many horrible old men!

Not experienced it in my social circle - none of us would tolerate it. However, behaviour like this clearly exists but is not exclusive to the older generation.
Some sad experiences related on here.

My late husband was never like this with me . We were always equal partners .
His older brother though can be so different. He is the eldest of six whose father died when he was about 14 . His mum put him on some sort of a pedestal and he seems to think he’s very important . I’ve heard him speak to his wife in a disgusting way. We are all in our 70s now and I don’t think he’ll ever change .

Not every narcissist will have the full blown personality disorder. As Deepat says it's a wide spectrum. My second husband is probably quite a long way down the spectrum and my father had a similar personality except that he was a physically violent man as well as being controlling and emotionally and verbally abusive. Like my second husband, he was charming in public but awful behind closed doors. So I didn't fully realise what dh2 was like until after I had married him. As a feminist in thought if not really in deed, I have fought him all the way which has been an awful waste of my life and a strain on the family. He started bullying my teenage son when we moved in together and by that time I had sold my house. When I became upset and confused about his terrible behaviour interspersed with love bombing, he told the children and myself that I am mentally ill. Later, I changed career and qualified as a mental health nurse due to this and halfway through my course, learned about narcissistic personality disorder for the first time and realised the symptoms fitted dh2 perfectly. I wish I had had the guts to have left this marriage but I stayed for financial reasons. I have been able to help my children and grandchildren and take joy in that. One child lives abroad with spouse and my grandchildren and I could not afford to visit if I left my husband. A lot of people are unsympathetic to those like me who have stayed in a bad relationship for financial reasons. A lot of people don't understand how narcissistic traits confuse and wear down the victim and change you a bit like Stockholm syndome. I see plenty of men of all ages with narcissistic traits bullying women and occasionally, the other way round.

Narcissism exists on a wide spectrum, ranging from mild everyday self-absorption to manipulative or toxic behavior.

No OP I can’t say I know a man like this. Perhaps I am fortunate not to have come across one in RL.
I know a lot of dominant women in relationships in later life ‘though ……..
just saying.

The word 'narcissist' is over-used nowadays. It refers to a specific and serious mental disorder, not to general selfish or bullying behaviour!

Well I honestly think the majority of you must have perfect lives and walk around with your eyes shut. You are so lucky.
My DH tried to do this with me but I just wouldn’t have it. I’m me! We go to places together but not all the time.

Not a pattern I recognise. I'd not allow that behaviour.

In my early 70's and live by myself.
Being an arsehole and Male Chauvinist Pig was rife amongst many older men when l was growing up. They really ruled the roost. And the MCP was a brand that was worn with pride

Women stayed with them because nowhere to go or the financial support to be independent to look after their children.

Obviously, not all men are like that and some women can be real bullies. That's for another day

On the surface. It looks as some men have changed from their default mode of being dictatorial and barbaric. But scratch the surface and you will see they have not.

I still see this controlling women hatred in old men. Their wives are so conditioned and used to î to it. They don't even notice.

This actually seems to a lot worse in foreign countries where women live in fear behind the painted smile.

As for my generation of men. There was a lot more divorces as women had more say. But still quite a bit of passive aggressive behaviour and disrespect towards woman.

None that I know of. Do know some couples where the woman is the dominant partner, not physically, but definitely verbally.

Not scared, but I find myself letting him get away with talking over me, correcting me in public (even when he is wrong), telling me how to stack the dishwasher, calling me lazy, even though I still do most of the work. Home has been rearranged so he can just reach for things instead of looking where they have always been.

Since he retired, he changes his plans at short notice and gets nasty if I do not fit in.

Just for peace.

And no, I am not alone, most of my friends are feeling the same

Yes, that’s correct dalrymple 23.
I do believe she was one of the first pioneers of refuges.
Not sure why it was closed down, but I know shortly after that a women’s refuge was opened in my home town.
And i.believe there are many more refuges all across the country now.

At the moment, I’m reading a book written by a Sociopath.
A true story and a memoir by Patric Gagne.
She stresses the fact that there is a huge difference between a Sociopath and a Psychopath.
Without going into detail, it’s a fascinating story of her life and how she has coped with this condition which apparently was not a universally recognised condition, and therefore was not listed in a dictionary.

Some of us might recognise these traits in people we know.

Never noticed this amongst any people I know, wonder where you get your info from.

I recognise this behaviour because I had to stand up against it. My current husband of twenty years was very much like this in the beginning. Every story I started to tell he would jump in on. Even things I had experienced before I met him which he had no part in became his stories. Even as early as this week he was telling me how he had complained in a restaurant. The complaint did happen but it was done by me. I just let it go over my head and didn’t bother to correct him. Once I realised what he was like I just started doing my own thing. We rub along fine but I can’t explain to him how his behaviour affects me as he would just accuse me of always complaining. He has a really big chip on his shoulder. I can’t change him but I can change me. I long ago stopped inviting friends round. I would do all the work he would take all the credit. I plod along quite happily doing my own thing. I care about my husband but I care about me more.

Wasn't it Erin Pizzey who started the first womens refuge in Chiswick? It was a lifesaver for many families. Then it was closed down. There was uproar. I cannot remember why, though. Can anyone enlighten me?

No I’ve never personally observed this, but no doubt there are couples who plod along with one being subservient.
My husband and I have always regarded each other as equals, so neither of us would put up with this behaviour.
I have 2 DS’s who have grown into very respectful men and wouldn’t behave like that either. My DD would never put up with that either. My DM used to say “people treat you the way you permit them to” have these men or women not realised in the UK we have had a voice for many years now, use it and stand your ground.