Chores

Slimswim

We have been retired for several years. I always make breakfast, oh makes lunch and we take it in turns to cook dinner, although sometimes I do it a couple of nights running and he does it another couple of nights. We both put washing on/hang on the line. OH usually loads dishwasher and I empty. OH cleans bathrooms one week and me the next week. We go food shopping together as we both enjoy doing it. Definitely don’t want schedules, spent too many years at work following them.

We do NOT go shopping together we are incompatible in the aisle I have a list and stick to it, to OH shopping is an art form, left to her it would be scratch meals every day. I make sure the fridge and freezer are properly stocked.

I have always been the practical one home and garden as well as working. My DH ran our business full time I worked with him part time. Since we retired I will suggest jobs my DH could help with to keep him occupied.
I would not under any circumstances be given a schedule or timetable at all. Matriarchal is me and I am not going to change any day soon.

We have been retired for several years. I always make breakfast, oh makes lunch and we take it in turns to cook dinner, although sometimes I do it a couple of nights running and he does it another couple of nights. We both put washing on/hang on the line. OH usually loads dishwasher and I empty. OH cleans bathrooms one week and me the next week. We go food shopping together as we both enjoy doing it. Definitely don’t want schedules, spent too many years at work following them.

My DH does the blue chores , diy, heavy work in the garden . He does hoover and do the dishwasher . We have a dog , so the downstairs needs hoovering daily .
I do the general cleaning . I clean when the house needs it , I don’t have a schedule.
Both of us do the home admin as I feel it’s important for both of us to know the finances.
But we’re all different and if your dh wants a list or schedule, go for it.

Faxgran

The only comment I’d make is that your DH does the ‘accounting’: no problem at all if you feel au fait with the bill paying, banking, investments, holiday planning etc. But don’t be like some women I know, all at sea with financial matters should DH pass away. Dusting doesn’t matter but banking does!

I was chatting to a lovely lady at U3A whose husband died a few weeks ago. She's doing well but did confess she didn't know how to record any programmes on the TV or how to access iPlayer. She is in her late 80s but very with it so I was surprised.

I do the lot now (and have done for the last 40 years). DH has never done his fair share. As newlyweds we sat down and divided a list of regular tasks, allocating times, level of difficult (e.g. high up) and whether they were pleasant or not. It became obvious around Week 3 that it would never work. One example was the bathroom (fully tiled, bath, window and basin - the loo was a separate room) which was his choice. We scored it 10 points.. While he was doing that I started downstairs on the kitchen (25 points) and having finished that started on the living room (15 points including patio doors and an open fire). He was still only halfway through the bathroom! Top that with the fact that I had to re-do the bathroom cos he missed a lot. After much argument it was clear that he was never going to do his share - and never has! Now we are in a 5-bed house and I do the lot, inside and out, and have always done the finances, holiday planning, Christmas stuff etc. He has shared cooking but soooooo slooooowly.

I believe he has ADHD but he will not consider the idea as he says it is an insult.

The only comment I’d make is that your DH does the ‘accounting’: no problem at all if you feel au fait with the bill paying, banking, investments, holiday planning etc. But don’t be like some women I know, all at sea with financial matters should DH pass away. Dusting doesn’t matter but banking does!

David49

I have no problem doing things that needed doing cleaning, washing, cooking, now retired I have time so why not. However it's a very relaxed routine, my wife is not an ardent house keeper so I do it when I think it needs doing.

I do most of the food shopping too, in the end it's about equal, we are both happy with the routine.

That sounds perfect and very similar to our house.

I cannot think of anything g worse than being retired and then having a “schedule” for anything, at all, ever.

Clean when it looks like it needs a clean!

I felt this was appropriate for this thread.

www.facebook.com/reel/1534749201225015

As you say he is a person who works well with a system, I suggest you (a) talk about it (b) agree on what you both feels doing and how often. When you are both reasonably happy with the equity of work share - set a 'when' or if it suits you better, a 'how long for' and see how you go.
When we moved here we were both retired and to keep the place good I needed help so we've settled on one morning a week, I do all rooms with taps in, he does dry rooms. I do all laundry related stuff. Cooking and clearing etc is shared. Shopping is shared. Mending, replacements, gardening are as and when. Of course pressing social things, low energy etc we adapt BUT I do not clean in other times or when he is not home doing useful stuff too. Breeds resentment! Unseen work is unknown work.

I don't want to seem negative but he's the one you need to talk to about this. A bunch of disparate people with a range of personal views and habits can't solve the problem. Do what suits you both. It will require a lot of focussed discussion but, short of one person becoming a tyrant and the other a slave, that's the only way you can resolve the balance.

Smileless2012

Since we drastically downsized 2 years ago Mr. S. doesn't do any cleaning but washes up and/or loads the dishwasher; he does clean the outside windows when I ask him too.

In your place I would say that I don't want a strict schedule preferring to do things when I think they need doing and suggest he does the same.

I would advise you to be very careful if you follow Smiless' advice. Few men can see when housework needs to be done, so if you want your husband to help with hoovering, dusting, washing floors and clothes, then make the scedule he has asked for.

The very fact that he is asking for one points to the fact the he cannot just do things at random times when they "need" to be done.

If you are happy to do the housework, washing, etc. and leave the gardening, home repairs and accounting to your husband this seems a fair division of labour.

But whatever you do, factor in some time-off for you both individually and as a couple.

Can I say don't betoo quick to allocate responsibilities. We have been retired for some time and if I weren't around my Husband would be spending a lot of his time in grubby, rumpled clothes reading the washing machine instructions whilst eating already meal! 😀

I didn't want my husband to do anything in the home he was the gardener and chauffeur

It might be good to list all the jobs, daily weekly etc and then decide to -
divide them into his & hers or
everything shared & done together (gulp) or
take weekly turns on all of the chores.
'Recently Retired' can be wonderful and leave you feeling unmoored in equal measure.

Casdon

I’d tell him that if he wants to do a list for his own chores, you’d be very happy for him to do that. Agree between you which are his jobs, and he can pin it to the fridge or wherever and follow it. I think some people are list people, and if it makes him comfortable to know what he’s doing when, so be it - just make it clear that for your agreed chores you will do it your own way.

My thoughts too.

If he can't bear a few crumbs then he can wipe them off, etc...or vice versa.

she doesn't need to pay a cleaner. Her husband used to clean when she was working; now he's offering to do cleaning again.

He just wants to make a plan about the cleaning so he knows which tasks are his .
Fair enough, but there’s more than one way to skin a cat. If getting one for a couple of hours a week would help (and is in budget) then IMO it makes sense.

Does he have any availability @OP ?

Fallingstar

Women tend to be better at seeing what needs doing in the house whereas men often need to be reminded, not in every case but in quite a few. So would do some housework then remind him about what he needs to do. This is tiring but after a while he might get the idea.
I would btw look at gardening and DIY as occasional jobs or hobbies.

I do the house, cooking, DIY and gardening and in my place, at least in the last couple of years, DIY & gardening are pretty much constant jobs - I think it depends what sort of house / garden you have (& how fast you are at DIY tasks- I tend to spend a lot of time contemplating before & during)

kittylester

Can you get a cleaner? A couple of hours a week is a worthwhile investment to be able to forget about it.

she doesn't need to pay a cleaner. Her husband used to clean when she was working; now he's offering to do cleaning again.

He just wants to make a plan about the cleaning so he knows which tasks are his .

kittylester

Can you get a cleaner? A couple of hours a week is a worthwhile investment to be able to forget about it.

This would be my advice. In a small space you would probably only need a couple of hours a week, and if the kitchen and bathroom are done properly (30 mins each) there would be another hour to do the rest. That would be more than enough to do a bedroom and sitting room, and you could ask for things like cleaning the fridge, defrosting the freezer and cleaning the microwave/oven as they need doing. If those larger tasks are rotated the house would be clean all the time, and the other tasks shared between you seem more fair.

22 years ago, I shifted from a part-time job to a full-time job. At that time, I showed DH a long list of weekly/daily/monthly chores and said, "Pick 5 or 6." In other words, as a part-timer, I had been doing it all...and that could not continue.
22 years later, I am back to part-time and DH is still full-time. But he still does the chores he chose years ago for the most part.

I do feel that I have always done more than him pertaining to our kids/GC. Bday and Xmas cards/gifts, things like that (the "invisible chores"). For the most part, we each feel happy with the balance.

We set aside one morning a week for a proper clean . DH does the floors and I do the rest so I am busy far longer than he is but it makes sure evetything is done . I tidy every day and clean bits of the kitchen every day . I cook DH fills the dishwasher and empties it . We shop together as we have to go to the next town for supermarkets but all food planning is down to me .

Thanks for all the suggestions. We live in a small one bedroom bungalow. It’s never really untidy, the dog causes dust and hair. I know I can be quite lazy sometimes, but then can’t we all after a lifetime of corporate life.