Speaking my mind!

My sister is definitely a speak your mind even if it’s hurtful, but I’m more sensitive and tactful.

Dear Stillness. I feel for you and am in the same situation. I continously feel misunderstood because I do not want to be offensive but come across like that. Often it is just my tone of voice.! I have a wonderful clear thinking Doctor in Germany who told me recently: 'You do not need therapy, you just need to learn how to controll yourself'. But this is soo difficult. I wish you strength xxx

EVEOHA2602

Monica - it’s the first line(s) of a poem of hers - most of the others are quite dispiriting so maybe that’s why Dickinson not so widely read - my other favourite is ‘Life - believe is not a dream as dark as sages say…and oft a little morning rain foretells a pleasant day’ 👍☘️

Thank you

I do think we can become more unfiltered as we age. Less concerned about how we come across. But I agree with others - as well as neconing more truthful. it's about also becomung wiser, more grateful, understanding and empathetic- the whole shebang makes it work.

Monica - it’s the first line(s) of a poem of hers - most of the others are quite dispiriting so maybe that’s why Dickinson not so widely read - my other favourite is ‘Life - believe is not a dream as dark as sages say…and oft a little morning rain foretells a pleasant day’ 👍☘️

I’m noticing my best friend is becoming very offhand and judgmental with waiters and anyone in a serving capacity.
It’s very unattractive as she is otherwise a good person.
I know she has family problems and is drinking too much, when she can get a bit aggressive.

When we go out now, I tell her to behave herself!

Im pretty confident of my opinions on what will work in practice and what won't, with family I may express an opinion, often they will carry on just to try to prove me wrong then fall flat on their face.
Ive had my say it was their choice, I did make one big mistake I could have vetoed a project that was far too ambitious, too much was borrowed and Im having to bail them out.

ViceVersa

DaisyAnneReturns

I think people can become more assertive as they get older. That could be for many reasons. Someone could feel unheard, or it may be that is socially more acceptable now. As long as it's not aggressive I don't see a problem.

The trouble is that what one person may see as 'assertive' may well come across as aggressive to another, especially the person on the receiving end.

I long ago came to the conclusion that there is nothing anyone says that someone will not take exception to.

So many people have so many filters between their ears and their brain it is amazing they are not visible and the most anodyne remark passing through those filters gets turned into something unrecognisable to the person who made the original remark.

I had an uncle who used to retell the story of his first day at work and the crushing dismissive remarks made to him by his manager. Anyone this story was told to would look at him blankly because we would have interpreted these remarks as wholly positive. But clearly they scarred him for life.

If I am honest DH is inclined that way, and I have been taken aback on several occasions by his utterly negative interpretation of quite innocent remarks I have made.

EVEOHA2602

I think maybe we need to be mindful of Emily Dickinson’s advice - ‘Tell the truth but tell it slant - success in circuit lies’ ……. 👍☘️🕊️

That is brilliant. Why isn't it better known?

Fallingstar

Was always a people pleaser but since becoming a full time carer for my DH I find my patience can now be stretched very easily. But I do try to bite my lip and count to ten. There were several matriarchs in my family when I was younger and they were incorrigible, most people would head for cover when they saw them coming. Was one of them who chose to tell me in front of other family members that I would never amount anything. After that my mum and dad didn’t visit her very often and certainly never insisted I go with them.

I'm glad you had supportive parents, that sort of thing is horrible and a stupid and pointless thing to say to a young child! It actually said more about them than you.

I think maybe we need to be mindful of Emily Dickinson’s advice - ‘Tell the truth but tell it slant - success in circuit lies’ ……. 👍☘️🕊️

True assertiveness is not aggressive. Acknowledge the other person's point of view, state your own and, if necessary, agree to differ.

I will definitely speak my mind when my integrity or dignity is questioned. Or l am being called a liar

Otherwise I just don't have the time to waste.

SueDonim

My mother was a great one for speaking her mind. It’s probably why she’s ended up friendless and estranged from people.

As I’ve got older I think I am more assertive in such things as dealing with the NHS, which I had to be, in order to get the care my Dh needed in his final illness. Same with poor treatment in shops, with utilities and so on. I try to choose my words carefully, though, because that’s the way to get the result you wish for, in my experience.

IMO there’s a great difference between the sort of ‘speaking your mind’ which doesn’t care how rude or upsetting it may be, - and being assertive, when it’s necessary to ensure you are not being ignored or ‘put upon’.

I've definitely gone the opposite way. I used to say what I thought (always politely), never put up with people being unpleasant to me or others but now I just let things roll over me, don't feel the need to stick up for myself unless it's something really important. Just want a quiet life.

Madgran77

True assertiveness is not experienced as aggressiveness but too often people ( the speaker or the listener) confuse the two

"Least said, soonest mended" can easily become an excuse for non action/allowing inappropriate stuff to thrive etc in my view. If its "I don't like your dress" - yes, dont say it!
If its "What is your evidence for stating that about all Jews?" (eg) then say it!

👍👏👏👏👏👏

Always speak your mind and be honest, however try to frame this in a positive, non-aggressive way if you possibly can.

Also, don’t ever try to do this in a text or WhatsApp, I’ve found out, at great personal cost, it’s far too easy for the reader to completely mis-read or misinterpret your original meaning.

True assertiveness is not experienced as aggressiveness but too often people ( the speaker or the listener) confuse the two

"Least said, soonest mended" can easily become an excuse for non action/allowing inappropriate stuff to thrive etc in my view. If its "I don't like your dress" - yes, dont say it!
If its "What is your evidence for stating that about all Jews?" (eg) then say it!

Yes, MartavTaurus, my mother would get all blustery and how-very-dare-you? if she was challenged.

There are plenty of us on GN that are very opinionated and really dont like alternative viewpoints, on an anonymous forum thats fine, we can disagree without consequences. In real life you are going to be very lonely quickly by voicing strong opinions

To put a medical aspect on older folks sometimes “ speaking their mind “ in certain types of dementia there is a shrinking of the frontal lobes. It is the frontal lobes that help people to stop and think before they speak. Hence it can be said they speak before they think !!

SueDonim

I do wonder if those who ‘speak their minds’ are always happy should someone speak their mind back to them.

Hmm interesting thought.

But they often have angry retorts at the ready.

I have strong opinions on Women’s Rights and often voice these at my Women’s Institute and have ruffled feathers of those with a different view. It wouldn’t worry me if they had the guts to challenge me, instead of complaining to the committee.

I do wonder if those who ‘speak their minds’ are always happy should someone speak their mind back to them.

I think the difference is between being aggressive and assertive.
I have found that I can be more assertive as I get older. I won’t accept rudeness and will call people out over it. I’ll also give my own opinion on things. Rarely did when I was younger.