Son in law

Can’t you all go and leave him in bed ‘recovering’

How upsetting for you and your family. Does he fall "ill" often or does he use other excuses? Is he generally anti-social or does he like the attention to be on him and his health most of the time?

Leave him where he is and go and have some fun. If I had waited for the men in my life to organise or contribute to any celebrations my life would be a complete misery by now.

I wouldn’t think his absence should spoil your day, why rearrange it? Unless his mother was doing something with you for Mother’s Day and both sides were in attendance. Or does your daughter have to stay with him when he is unwell??
Sounds as if you need to stop arranging things with his attendance being pivotal if he is a bit of a wet lettuce, every family has one, just plan without him needing to be there next time.

My son dislikes big family gatherings,it's just the way he is,my DIL always tells him when things are going to happen and her family know that he probably won't attend,I'm sure your daughter knows this ,just go and leave him to it

Some people don’t like fuss. Maybe he’s an introvert. Just leave him alone and go without him.

Do you mean he has pulled out of gatherings with your family “so often”? Or let her down in other ways?

Gran22boys

Some people don’t like fuss. Maybe he’s an introvert. Just leave him alone and go without him.

I hadn’t considered that, was perhaps a tad harsh on him, calling him a wet lettuce, he could have problems socialising.

In your situation I'd have gone without him.

I would have gone without him. Some people seem okay socially but reality can be different. I do know someone who seems very outgoing but have seen them struggle at family gatherings or meeting friends.
This is a man and he suffers with anxiety that not a lot of people know about. It may be that he is the same or maybe not I don’t know but thought you might be interested.

A day out with three women. I can see why he wouldn’t be looking forward to that😬

He should have said no thanks right at the start when he was asked rather than pulling out.

I assume he was asked if he wanted to come with you all?

Scrub the three women. I got muddled with the other poster who was unhappy with her son in law.

So who is “all of you”. All your family?

This could well be an anxiety of being out in crowds, stuck on a table, feeling like there's no escape, kind of situation. I get it myself, I'm fine outside, but don't like the feeling of being sat at a table, busy restaurant, lots of chatter, I feel too overwhelmed by it. I'm an outgoing and friendly person, and it drives me mad, unable to go to the theatre or cinema because of feeling "stuck in", but I have no control over it. Maybe it's the same for him, he's to be pitied if that is the case, but it would be better if he came clean about it so you would understand how he feels and why he makes excuses for not joining in.

Not sure what rearranging your tip needs, just turn up and say you are one person fewer. This is really between your dd and sil to sift out. Sorry but I dont understand how his non appearance can ruin the day.

Trip not tip …sort not so ft.. apologetics, am using a tiny phone without glasses

He has done this so many times now, saying he's too ill then by the evening there is nothing wrong with him.He has done it when I've asked them over for Sunday lunch then has the nerve to ask my daughter to take his meal back for him to have at home( I don't think so sonny!!).I've stopped asking them now.
He's spoilt a potentially really nice day, he's so selfish.

Same question asLathyrus - ‘ we were all due to go out’ - was his mother included ?

You should have gone and left him to it.I wouldn’t let one person spoil a family event.

This isn't the reason
He goes out with friends regularly

Yes we have gone without him but its quite a struggle for my daughter having a baby and toddler to handle

I’m not really understanding? Does it truly matter if he’s there or not, He’s your SiL, not your son or daughter, I’d also have no issue sending him back a meal.

My son lives in Bristol, we are in Essex, his lovely partner of 9 years often doesn’t come with him on a visit. She has awful anxieties which can flare up over what we might consider trivial things.

She’s taking steps to manage this (medication and therapy)

We are sad when she doesn’t come, not angry, as we are very fond of her.

I do not understand

This is not the first time he has done it yet you are mad again.

This is for your daughter to address with him

Shimmer

Yes we have gone without him but its quite a struggle for my daughter having a baby and toddler to handle

I think this is the really annoying bit, if he just can’t be bothered to turn up it does mean your daughter is overwhelmed with a baby and a toddler, obviously you would try to help but I know that often it is the other parent who is most able to calm a crying baby or tantrumming toddler.
But as someone already said this is your daughter’s problem no matter how annoyed you might be. She must be aware of this and it must annoy her as well. Leave them to it.
He could just be really selfish, introverted, or seriously needs to see a GP.

That's what I've done, we went for the meal and tried to enjoy the day.
My daughter was very upset though so it has spoilt things. It's up to her though like you say. Apparently he was cooking his meal when she got home ( really poorly I'd say !!!!