DIL here, perspective please with strained relationship with MIL.

LemonJam

I also agree appeasing MIL's is not always in the best interests of baby/Mum or Dad. Example of strange MIL behaviour - I went into labour nearly midnight, went to hospital and delivered my first baby in the middle of a summer heatwave/ Husband dropped round at my mum and Dads house, lived close by, to let them know first GC had been safely delivered- MIL's reaction to him:
1) said she was disappointed was a girl not a boy
2) told H he needed to get our house "churched" whilst I was in hospital- asked for a key, then arranged for a local vicar to 'church' our house
3) H was RC and had never heard of Cod E "church' custom ( neither had I!) but MIL insistent
4) I arrived home the following day and saw all the windows to my house wide open coming up the road and once inside the radiators on full blast 🤷‍♀️
5) H told me MIL had told him to "church' the house to get rid of all spirits and leave the radiators on and all the windows open until I arrived home with the baby so all evil spirits could depart
6) note on kitchen counter to H from MIL, plus a box of 4 cream cakes and a bottle of stout " I've gone on holiday will be back in 5 days- left the cream cakes because Lemondrop doesn't drink milk- you need to make sure she ups her calcium levels and has plenty of iron" !
7) Five days later, breast feeding established and baby making good progress M/MIL attended unannounced. She watched me change baby's nappy, soiled and various colours- I told her that was entirely normal for a breast fed baby
8) I then sat down to feed baby- she told me I was not allowed to breastfeed in public- my own living room 🤷‍♀️- whilst men present (my H and Dad) and out of respect needed to do so upstairs. I did as she asked and went upstairs..(looking back I cant believe I was so compliant....) .
9) afterwards I came downstairs and not long after a knock at the door- my GP. M/MIL had made an urgent call for a home visit stating there was something very wrong with new born baby
10) GP examined baby, nappy, and told M/MIL all was well, soiled nappies of such colours for BF babies entirely normal
11) GP took me aside( he was my Mum's GP also and had been , for many years) and advised me to have a plan how to manage Mum or she will run myself and H ragged....

Just saying MILs can be strange and can cause a lot of tension, upset and undue stress. She was and would never be open to any feedback at any time no matter how carefully worded from us or any other family member in any situation. She was a person who could only see things from her perspective and considered everyone else to be wrong. All family members, including her own siblings, worked out ways to circle her orbit, detach when necessary- accept when possible- but remain sane. Luckily I had a very lovely, loving Dad.

Gosh, thought i had it bad! Babies make people so strange

Message deleted by Gransnet.Quotes a deleted post.

BlessedArt

To add OP, I have two daughters and a son. Part of the reason I would never behave toward my DIL the way yours and some others have is because of my daughters. It would behoove some to think about how they’d feel if their own daughter was treated badly by a spouse’s parent. I suspect there are those who are threatened by a young woman standing up for herself. I’m not saying you shouldn’t have boundaries. I am not defending your MIL. I am merely speaking of accepting that her personality will not specifically yield the response you are expecting, so move forward understanding that.

This is what i think ultimately i need to do, in time. Accept that thats who she is, and by my husbands account, and FIL, has always been. She’s not going to change at her age, but if what has happened makes her think twice about treating me the way she has done then that is a win for me. And if it doesnt, well theres nothing stopping me from walking away from the relationship again.

Lathyrus3

That isn’t insisting. Insisting is when you have the power to make it happen and you do make it happen. Against any protest.

That’s just saying what she wanted/expected.

That’s what the OP claims to value. Direct communication. The right to express your wants and opinions.

The OP has a right to say no to that request.

But praising herself for being “direct” in expressing her opinions and condemning her MiL for being direct in expressing hers is double standards in my book.

Now this is clutching at straws.

Of course she cannot enforce how often she visits. It was her behaviour AFTER we decided weekly visits was too much which was the main issue - the passive aggressiveness, face on, one word answers when we did see them. Thats the problem

We haven't crazy, I was posting about the relationship with my m.i.l.

Sorry that was a reply to Norah.

That isn’t insisting. Insisting is when you have the power to make it happen and you do make it happen. Against any protest.

That’s just saying what she wanted/expected.

That’s what the OP claims to value. Direct communication. The right to express your wants and opinions.

The OP has a right to say no to that request.

But praising herself for being “direct” in expressing her opinions and condemning her MiL for being direct in expressing hers is double standards in my book.

Smileless - I dip in and out of GN regularly, but I didn’t realise you had reconciled with your son. So pleased for you x

Thank you utterbliss. It was a shame that we lost those 7 years but it was the best solution at the time and we did end up with a lovely relationship in the end.

Querying someone's post isn't being passive aggressive BlessedArt and if you aren't interested in my posts there's no need for you to read them or reply is there.

What happened to kindness and tolerance to each other?

You are a relatively new Mum and yes I agree your MiL shouldn't be so obvious in her disapproval but to cut her off completely is very harsh especially when they have offered an olive branch.

In future don't see them regularly but occasionally go with you DH and DS arrange to meet them on neutral territory. in law relationships can be tricky but meeting in public makes people behave better usually.

Lathyrus3

I’m going to dispute “ mother in law insisted on weekly visits” Norah. The MiL couldn’t insist ie make it happen.

She expressed a desire, clearly and directly. Something the OP says she values in her own dealings with people.

I would have said no to that. Clearly and directly and negotiated, not stored it up resentfully to bring out as part of a destruction of character at some later date.

A characteristic that the OP complains in her MIL. That harbouring of dourness and tension.

And then there’s the contempt for a generation of acquiescent women who keep the peace, alongside the condemnation of her MiL for expressing her opinions.

Total double standards.

They really are a pair.

I read OP I reached my limit after the birth of my son, who is now one. Initially she was visiting once a week and announced that this was the frequency she wanted. Once my husband went back to work, I naturally wanted this to slow down as it was becoming too much for me. When we visited them, it could only be for a couple of hours due to travel time and needing to work around our son’s naps and feeds.

I disagree with you, nevermind.

I’m going to dispute “ mother in law insisted on weekly visits” Norah. The MiL couldn’t insist ie make it happen.

She expressed a desire, clearly and directly. Something the OP says she values in her own dealings with people.

I would have said no to that. Clearly and directly and negotiated, not stored it up resentfully to bring out as part of a destruction of character at some later date.

A characteristic that the OP complains in her MIL. That harbouring of dourness and tension.

And then there’s the contempt for a generation of acquiescent women who keep the peace, alongside the condemnation of her MiL for expressing her opinions.

Total double standards.

They really are a pair.

That was @ Smileless

Your reasoning for missing it is neither here nor there to me. It’s just best that before passive aggressively rebutting someone, you do your due diligence. The implication was obvious so “missing it” seems unlikely. As was “missing” Allsorts post stating “he will either go with you for a quiet life and cut his parents off…”

Please spare me the semantic-laden back and forth. We can genuinely discuss any topic, but I’m completely disinterested in your style of nitpicking and derailing. Let us speak plainly with honest intent about the OP, or we can choose not to all. Up to you.

Smileless, stick to your guns. Well done for not letting your mil bully you. What a terrible woman. Those who criticise you are feeling guilty about their own dreadful behaviour to their Dils, and it is making them uncomfortable.

Blue18

Allsorts

I have met a few dil just like you. You have got what you want, true your husband can visit his mother, thats nice of you, but
how do you think that makes him feel? Woukd you lije him to treAt your family the same? However thats not important is it? He will either go along with you for a quiet life, cut his parents off or decide this was not what marriage meant to him, not easy when there are children involved learning that's how you treat people. Thank goodness I have a lovely dil, don't see her as often as she does her own but that's perfectly natural. As for you saying she is passively aggressive, she cant win can she against your behaviour, what would you prefer, that she tells you just what she must think of you, that would be good for you as you could then accuse her of attacking you verbally.

And how often does the husband take the children to visit the DIL's parents?

It seems they were visiting PIL every 2 months, prior to baby.

After baby MIL seems to have insisted on weekly visits, at theirs.

OP hasn't expressed a desire to insist her husband never visit, she seems to find it acceptable if he reverts to the old schedule.

I'm not sure what is the problem?

Whose said you're not allowed to comment BlessedArt? That's why I missed it then because it was implied rather than actually stated.

I agree Lathyrus that there's likely to be trouble when the OP and her m.i.l. meet which is why I think them not doing so, and the OP's husband maintaining his and his son's relationship with his parents although not ideal, is preferable.

Allsorts

I have met a few dil just like you. You have got what you want, true your husband can visit his mother, thats nice of you, but
how do you think that makes him feel? Woukd you lije him to treAt your family the same? However thats not important is it? He will either go along with you for a quiet life, cut his parents off or decide this was not what marriage meant to him, not easy when there are children involved learning that's how you treat people. Thank goodness I have a lovely dil, don't see her as often as she does her own but that's perfectly natural. As for you saying she is passively aggressive, she cant win can she against your behaviour, what would you prefer, that she tells you just what she must think of you, that would be good for you as you could then accuse her of attacking you verbally.

And how often does the husband take the children to visit the DIL's parents?

*isn’t present

Doodledog implied it and others quoted her post in agreement, so yes you did miss it.

Telling someone “one day you will be a mother in law and get sidelined by your son’s wife”, and agreeing with the sentiment is implying she’s responsible for her husband not seeing his parents and will one day experience the same.

That’s quite plain. Just because there are more rational voices that don’t agree with Doodledog’s sentiment doesn’t mean the attitude is present on the thread. I must have missed where I wasn’t allowed to comment on whatever I pleased.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Smileless2012

Has anyone said the OP is responsible for her husband's relationship with his parents BlessedArt? I must also have missed posts where the OP's been blamed for him not wanting to spend much time with his parents, if that is the case.

Agreed.

I don't believe others feel DIL is responsible for her H's relationships. If he wants to travel a distance to see his parents that's a choice he's made.

He will when he sees fit.

Has anyone said the OP is responsible for her husband's relationship with his parents BlessedArt? I must also have missed posts where the OP's been blamed for him not wanting to spend much time with his parents, if that is the case.

To add OP, I have two daughters and a son. Part of the reason I would never behave toward my DIL the way yours and some others have is because of my daughters. It would behoove some to think about how they’d feel if their own daughter was treated badly by a spouse’s parent. I suspect there are those who are threatened by a young woman standing up for herself. I’m not saying you shouldn’t have boundaries. I am not defending your MIL. I am merely speaking of accepting that her personality will not specifically yield the response you are expecting, so move forward understanding that.

I say again, the OP is not responsible for her husband’s relationship with his parents.

If he won’t go see his own parents without prompting from his wife, that issue predates the lad even meeting his wife. Whether it’s poor upbringing or his own aversion to their personalities, it’s not his wife’s fault he chooses not to spend so much time with his own parents. It’s misogynistic madness to blame the woman here, likely due to projection.

OP, expecting an apology is a lost cause. Even if you get it she won’t mean it. She won’t feel sorry and your goal shouldn’t be to make anyone feel what they don’t. The goal is to ensure she behaves respectfully toward you. That’s it. I think spending less time with your PIL is a good idea. I think your MIL has learned you will not be a doormat. The fact that she has reached out with her version of an olive branch solidifies this to me. This is the “win”. You have clearly stated your boundaries, which has likely altered the way she interacts with you going forward. That’s a good thing. Expecting more than that is making a rod for your own back.

I wouldn’t cut her off completely. Not unless she falls back into disrespectful treatment. For the sake of the entire family, it’s better to have respectful cordiality. I also would not allow anyone, grandparent or otherwise, to think that they can have a relationship with my child by circumventing a respectful relationship with me. All family members, young and older, must be respectful of each other if nothing else.