I need him

sodapop sometimes when someone has had a lot of good kind advice, which they haven't the nerve to takey it helps if someone comes along and shocks her by spelling it out bluntly.

It's easy to tell someone to leave but much harder to actually do it. I consider myself to be a strong person but it took me three attempts to finally leave.
It sounds like Tabby has been pressured by her husband into believing she can't manage without him and that the abusive things he says are true. It's so difficult to shake this off even though you know in your heart it's not true.
You do need to get out of this relationship Tabby good luck.

Of course you do not need him, unless you are disabled and he is your carer.

Saying you 'need' someone is the excuse used by people who lack the courage to just pack their bags and go and stand on their own 2 feet.

Anyone who behaves like your partner is abusive - and domestic abuse, physical, emotional or verbal is a crime.

You have sought advic before and that advice has not changed.

YOU DO NOT NEED HIM AND SHOULD PACK YOUR BAGS AND GET OUT (DO NOT TELL HIM YOU ARE GOING)

Reported.

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I haven’t any experience of living with an abusive man op but if I had depression anxiety I would go to the gp to try and get some treatment. Try and help myself. I would also contact women’s aid etc, I realise that if you are not in a good place mentally yourself it’s going to be difficult, why are you limited to how long you are on here, are you frightened that he might see you are on the forum, if you are scared of him please seek help. Life is too short to live like this regardless of your health probs stress makes things much worse.

Tabby555

I have often thought of doing secret recordings on my phone but I’m worried incase he found out. As sometimes goes in bad mood for days.

What would happen if you told him you would be doing a recording?
The person I did that to was arrogant enough to say yes!
It was only have several recordings that the person changed their mind!

I am limited to how long I can be on here. What or who is limiting you?

No I didn’t - he left several times ‘to teach me a lesson’ and I decided that the last time was the last and had the locks changed. I was too worried about disgracing my family to leave.

And you "did". Well done you.

My first husband used to say ‘If you don’t like it you know what you can do’ if I complained about the abuse.

Tabby555

Sorry I can’t reply to everyone as much as I’d like to.But so good there are so many who understand.Really such a comfort. and the fact so many people responded to me with kind support is so heartwarming.Plus, he doesn’t have to stay with me. If he not happy, why does he not go.He says he loves me. It’s not like he doesn’t have a choice.

He won't ever leave. They actually enjoy their situation. After all, they have manipulated things ( you) to get to the place they are in.
Classic narc behaviour is being abusive and then declaring love. That is a head melt!!

You will need to be the one to leave.

I am limited to how long I can be on here.I am in process of getting help for my depression etc.I do have many problems but it doesn’t give him the right to be so nasty or emotionally cruel to me.He doesn’t do everything I do what I can.I try my best. I don’t think it’s fair how one gran netter is being so critical of me.Especially when they don’t know the whole story.Sorry to say that but it’s so unfair.As I say he can leave if he isn’t happy

Sorry I can’t reply to everyone as much as I’d like to.But so good there are so many who understand.Really such a comfort. and the fact so many people responded to me with kind support is so heartwarming.Plus, he doesn’t have to stay with me. If he not happy, why does he not go.He says he loves me. It’s not like he doesn’t have a choice.

You don't say how old you are or how long you have been together? I think some male people do get 'grumpier' with old age. While I admit I was a monster during my menopause years, I feel I am much calmer and kinder now I am in my 60s. I have noticed, however, that men seem to leak away their kindness once they have retired. While I am out and about, I overhear so many pensioners squabbling, and it's usually the bloke banging on about some minor matter. E.g. I was on an Intercity train last week, and a couple sat down nearby, transpired their reserved seats were not together, but separated by the aisle. The woman had made the booking, and was extremely effusive in her apologies to her partner. For a solid HOUR, he rebuked her across the aisle - "How could you be so downright stupid? Why can't you get anything right? Why didn't you check the seating layout of the carriage? Do I have to double check every single thing you do?" and so on. She just kept saying, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry...." God knows what he would have said to her in private, if he was like that in public! In the end, another passenger offered to swap seats so they could sit together, though why she'd want to sit next to that bad tempered so-and-so was a mystery to me! I honestly felt like passing her a note saying, "Leave him! You don't need to live like this!"

So, Tabby, I am passing you a note on this forum -
LEAVE HIM - YOU DON'T NEED TO LIVE LIKE THIS!

Well, I fell in love with the charming bit, and they can bring it out to suit.
And you don't just stop loving them despite all. This is what it's so hard for others to understand, it goes so deep.

Thank you Wyllow, you explain it so well.What you say is so true.Also I think he likes the fact I struggle so much.I don’t think he likes to ever see me happy and relaxed. As when I am he is more likely to criticise me and bring me down.I have tried parting from him before but he always talks me into taken him back.

He never admits to any wrong doing on his part.Often leaves me wondering if I’m in the wrong and always doubting myself.To be honest I can’t think at all around him and I’m always getting tongue tied.So confused.

I have often thought of doing secret recordings on my phone but I’m worried incase he found out. As sometimes goes in bad mood for days.

Tabby555

Hi Redhead, thanks for your kind message. I have told him many times when he talks to me nastily.He always denies it. Which is incredibly frustrating.He just says I’m being paranoid or over reacting.My daughters know how he unfair and nasty he can be to me.I really do appreciate everyone’s advice and support.Makes me feel less alone.So thank you to everyone.

Yes Tabby. It's called gaslighting when you know something to be true and the other person denies it and tells you you are wrong, paranoid, crazy. It's what narcissists do. Part of their condition is that they are not capable of taking responsibly for anything they say or do and always blame the other person.

It messes with peoples heads to be gaslighted.

He will not change! Look up narcissist on Google. I'm pretty sure your man will fit that personality profile.

BTW - narcissism more than general and natural pride in oneself is actually a MH condition - but don't expect them to own that!

sorry, sound recordings, not round recordings. I downloaded a very simple easy to use sound recording app on my mobile and secretly recorded instances)

Hi Tabby good to see you back in. Also very glad that your daughters can see what is happening. As it gets to the point where you find it hard to trust your own judgement - you have some back up.

"He just says I’m being paranoid or over reacting". If you read up the thread to 8.53 this morning you will see I have written of how it sounds your partner is "operating",

*denial he did or said what he did - ie, saying your idea of reality was actually wrong/didnt exist/he'd never done or said it (gaslighting)

or - it was my fault that he had said/done such and such because I was ill or mad*

With my Ex I came to realise that he could not bear to take responsibility for any criticism or blame.

( I have pages of WhatSapps and a number of round recordings he sent to me bitterly blaming his brother, his mother, me, in great detail.)

Now - I have of course examined how I was, what I did, and can see looking back how this or that or the way I was might have contributed to a whole range of situations. He was -is -not capable of doing that (and being a depressive, I tend to blame me anyway)

- its a facet of people who have narcisistic disorders (of varying degree of course, from covert to very upfront, where control extends to looking at your mobile and opening letters etc)

that they need to blame, as opposed to two people being able to sit down and discuss "look, our relationship is dysfunctional".

This is all in retrospect, of course.

At the time, Tabby, it was a matter of survival, pure and simple. And no way could I have done it alone. I got MH and Domestic Abuse and in my case some police support. (dont let that put you off, btw, it was circumstance driven to reach that point, and others writing here have not involved police)

But right now you need to make that phone call to Domestic Abuse, ad that appointment for your GP (providing you trust them reasonably enough).

No, you don't need him. He has simply convinced you that you do.

You didn't heed the advice you sought on here previously so why would you listen to any GNetters now though????

Have your daughters ever talked to you about this Tabby? If so, what do they suggest?