My Son Knows Everything

How very infuriating! But I can understand that you don't want to endanger relationships with him or his children.
I don't know what the answer is but I do sympathise and send you good wishes.

Wendy Cope wrote this;-

He tells her that the earth is flat
He knows the facts and that is that.
In altercations fierce and long
She tries her best to prove him wrong
But he has learned to argue well,
He calls her arguments unsound
And often asks her not to yell.
She cannot win.
He stands his ground.
The planet goes on being round.

I don't want to trivialise your feelings but thought you might find this poem amusing.

You brought him up ?

If he is an Antivaxxer - Eviebeanz - I hope you don’t let him in your house until the pandemic is over or he changes his mind with a jab. If he talks to you on the doorstep you can always shut the door to his rude conversations.

if only we didn't get so upset by them! After much suffering like this I learnt not to divert or disagree just keep to minimum for my own good. then today I questioned something - after all it is mothers day...and my god. Ive ended up feeling quite upset and remembered why I always take the easy way out. He too has a very possessive wife who doesn't help at all in fact relishes any disagreement. One just hopes they will grow out of it...but my son is 45. and I think he is a bit aspergers...because he never takes the easy emotionally calming way out, his brightness is too logical. Youre not alone. Thats my son, my daughter is easier to talk with but VERY superior. I think we have to take it on the chin without being fooled...which is tough but we can do it.

He is a conspiracy theorist/anti vaxxer. And when he decides to vent I simply say "there are still those who think that" and turn my back on him/walk into the next room.

My 29 year old son can be just like this. Thank god he no longer lives with me. He has v little real life experience and has just broken up with his girlfriend. He seems fully convinced that my life is dull, my views are wrong, my ideas are stupid/crazy. He is still dependent on me temporarily to do his washing ?as he couldn't figure out how to connect the new washing machine and was too stubborn to let me help.
I decided to deny him an audience for the time being and I feel better for it.

It's not about whether he is right or wrong any more, is it? I think the idea of saying 'did you mean to sound so rude?' is a very good one. I know by experience this sort of behaviour is very wearing, hopefully he doesn't visit too often! Or maybe you could keep discussion to subjects like the weather. I now use 'then we must agree to disagree' followed by a forceful change of subject. If the attempt to change the subject doesn't work, I find something needing my immediate attention in another room, where I breathe deeply while I count to 10 ... 100 ... however long it takes! Hopefully, he'll see his behaviour is spoiling his visits and tone it down, but really, if no-one challenges his pomposity, I can't see it happening in the near future.

I remember when one of my sons was young around 15 yoa i told to leave home whilst you know everything.
That shut him up.
It might be a good idea to say nothing when your son is around,then if he asks why your not saying anything,be honest and say there is no point,you know everything.
He MAY be embarresed.

It is amazing how when I was young people used to expect me to know stuff and have 'expertise' when actually I knew less and was sillier than now when I am 89 and wrinkled and bent.

Got a SiL like this. Guess (hope) it's an age thing.
Sorry no tips - DD sides with him too.

Try saying “Of course, dear” in your most patronising voice. If he questions that say, equally patronisingly “Well you know everything, don’t you”.

Thanks for the Pam Ayres link, CraftyGranny!
I’ve seen Pam Ayres live - hilarious - but wasn’t familiar with that one, have forwarded to sister in the US who loved it and has forwarded it on to friends.

I would just calm down and not worry yourself about it, just smile and say “oh really, I did not know that”. He will one day look back and realise just what a smart arse he was. Don’t risk your relationship for something not important. You never need to tell an ars%#*le they are an ars%#*le everyone knows anyway!!

Just a thought as you say this a fairly new side of him, but does he work in an environment where talk like this is commonplace? New job? Recent promotion? Is he slightly out of his depth there and bringing his insecurities to your door?

Hopefully he'll "get over himself" soon.
Always remember you were clever enough to change his nappies when he needed you to!

Thank you everyone, your suggestions are so helpful. My son hasn’t always been like that so it’s hard ‘putting up’ with him at present.

I hope it’s just a prolonged phase of over confidence. I’m going to try a few of the tips you have given me, it’s so nice to have your support.

Well he can't pontificate and be superior without an audience, so I'd be inclined to just move to the kitchen, put the radio on, make myself a coffee, catch up on Gransnet and leave them all to their highbrow conversation ?
You might even find your husband joins you ?

I may get my GS one of those! But he’s only fourteen and has time to improve........ or not!

I actually got him one of these

I got DS one of these for his birthday ?

my contribution to the conversation was trivial

My response to that would be *.and your contribution is just rude*and walk out!

I would not get into discussions if he starts ranting at you ...just keep saying "that is rude" ,,,"there is no need to be rude"...."happy to have a discussion but not if you are going to be rude"

However as you appear to be concerned about the possibility of ruining the relationship and therefore losing contact with your grandchildren I suspect that you are taking everything on the chin, allowing his behaviour, his wife's behaviour and not commenting at all. Is there more to this than just his behaviour? Do you look after the children at all, do they rely on you for that? I am asking because I think you need to look carefully at the context of his behaviour within the bigger picture.

I am truly sorry that you are dealing with this as I know how painful it can be

My sister is omniscient. Of course, it doesn't help that I know I'm right every time! If she contradicts me, I change the subject. After all, she's the only sister I have left and we love each other dearly.
Is your son an only child? I'm sure that if he had siblings they wouldn't have let him get away with this know-all act. Does his wife really believe in him?

Watch and wait........someday he WILL come to you with a question............just say "don't ask me, you're the expert after all"!

OP

Do you see a common denominator on the subjects that are problematic?

How about seeing the same issue through two different points of view?

I would avoid problematic themes and cut the conversation short when it happens.

WhiteRabbit whatever you do, don't let it depress you. Love him, but ignore this unlovable trait.

You could actually say I'm going to ignore that you said that.

Don't let it depress you! It's not worth it.

That is a good reply Nannyjan!