He feels nothing for me

Thanks girls. I'm thinking whether it's morally right to ask for a lump sum, because his feelings have changed, as a form of compensation for what I'm going to lose.

Joyfulnana, you seem to imply you are not married. If that is so, you don’t have much claim on money that is in his name from a legal point of view, but if you and he have been living together in the same house for a long time, you may have rights in that. If you and he are able to have a mature and reasonable discussion about this, you may be able to agree a division of assets that you agree is fair.

If you are married, you have specific rights to a share of your joint assets, which will be assessed when you divorce.

I’d encourage you to contact Citizens’ Advice or a solicitor to clarify what your rights are.

Joyfulnanna
It is not unusual to ask for alimony when a marriage doesnt work out

Make sure you talk to a lawyer to get what is fair for you. Ethical is not the right word

I have to decide whether it's ethical to ask him to contribute towards my housing so I can move out. I'm just trying to be fair minded. On the one hand, I've invested myself in him for many years, made sacrifices and expected the outcome to be a comfortable secure retirement, when that time comes. Now I am feeling let down that because his feelings have changed, this will affect my life significantly. On the other hand, it could be me who caused his feelings to change and therefore I get what I deserve and should leave without expecting anything. The funny thing is that wjej I was, cracking in the past about the lack of coupledom, and asked if he, wanted me anymore, he couldn't talk about it but suggested if I wanted to leave, it would ease his guilt if he paid me some money. Whereas in this most recent conversation he just says he doesn't want a relationship but wants me to stay as company. As I don't want to live without love and can't bear this for much longer, I thought I should go for my sanity. Which way would you go with housing costs?

I stayed in a loveless marriage for too long.......leave ASAP

I would be very depressed listening to someone so negative depressed or not he knows what he is saying. Don’t be looking at yourself for fault you still have spring in your step get moving and best wishes.

I think in sickness and in health is something that should be looked at as to whether it has a place in modern society. I find it an awful thing to ask of anyone. Staying with someone just because they are ill is horrendous.

When a door closes, a window opens.

Luckygirl has raised an important point Joyfulnanna that he maybe clinically depressed as that impacts on the closest and most personal of relationships.

You need to think carefully as to whether or not you'd be happy with him if he is suffering from depression, and that were to be managed so he could feel and express his love for you.

If you decide that this is no longer a relationship you want, there's no shame in that and no reason for you to feel that you've failed. We all change as we get older; for some those changes bring them closer together but for others, those changes drive them apart.

Just get things sorted and move on, this man has been decent enough to tell you it is over, don't make it worse for both of you. Perhaps you may retrieve a friendship from the ashes of the relationship once he no longer has to pretend. If it was the other way around, and you felt as your partner does, then you would leave, move on. Do you really want to be forever thinking that someone is only with you out of sympathy or guilt? Sadly, your relationship sounds as if it is over.

Is he really depressed or just down like many are at the moment? Living with someone you don't love can cause depression in itself.
You deserve a better life than this. Being alone is much better than being unhappy.

I agree with what most posters have said. The relationship appears to be finished. Leaving him may well be the best idea.

Paddyanne has a point. If he is genuinely ill with depression, is this causing him to think he doesn't love you?

Does he treat you well normally?

Maybe you've already done this but is it possible to ask for a calm and honest discussion with him?

Oh come on paddyann someone tells you they don’t love you, they don’t want to be with you and don’t want to be intimate with you and you say carry on regardless All the poster says is she supposed he might be depressed she didn’t mention anything about diagnosed depression or suicidal thoughts you ve totally have run away with the original posters ‘maybes’

What happened to in sickness and in health...if he's depressed he wont like himself never mind love anyone else.If you cant be with him when he needs help then try to get someone who will help him.And we wonder why so many men are suicidal nowadays ! Do you only want him when he's a happy chappy treating you like a goddess or does love mean being there for him when he doesn't know its what might get him through a tough time

Thank you so much for your advice girls. It's so much clearer that it's the right thing to leave. It will be very painful even if amicable. I do think our relationship has deteriorated because I grew up!

I think you actually owe to BOTH of you to move on he can’t put it any clearer than he has, knowing that you would probably go when he told you
Has this always been the way or has it only just happened ? I suppose if it’s a very recent thing and he wants to work though it, you could have a go but it doesn’t feel as if it’s a shock to you so I m guessing it’s been a long time coming

I hope you have the courage to leave and start a new life.

How can you be a failure ? it is not supposed to be an endurance test.
Try changing the perspective that you are currently viewing your situation from.
The ‘ Solution’ is looking you in the face, go for it & be happy or at the very least happier, best wishes

Your man has told you he has no feelings of love for you, and he feels awkward being intimate with you and even a hug overwhelms him.
You then say there is lots going on but nothing that cannot be resolved with a bit of effort.
Are you trying to say that he can change and recover to have feelings for you.?
As upsetting as it must all be for you, this man has laid his cards on the table. If you want more in your life and someone to appreciate you then start thinking about moving on with the possibility of meeting someone else.

I’m with geekesse even with severe depression you still know who you love and who you don’t.
I’m sorry but If he doesn’t love you then you really have no choice but to walk away.

I never cease to be struck by what people will put up with to remain part of a couple. After 15 years of being divorced, I can say with absolute confidence that living alone is peaceful, happy and far preferable to being unhappily paired up. Untangling financial and social affairs was a bit tiresome, but there’s nothing I miss about being married except having someone else to unload the dishwasher. I have plenty of love in my life now, from family and friends, and I am free to have gentleman callers if I wish.

If your partner is depressed, that is one problem that needs addressing, but no amount of effort, counselling or medication can make some who doesn’t love you love you. Perhaps your relationship has run its course. If so, there’s no compulsion to stay in it.

Can't add any more to Luckygirl's post. I wish you well joyfulnanna

To expand a bit - when you are clinically depressed you feel little; just a sense of despair and the pointlessness of life. It is a pit that it is very difficult to crawl out of single-handed. If this truly is his problem, then he does need to get help - but I do not underestimate how hard it might be to get him to do that. I have been in a situation of having to try and persuade someone that help was needed and it was an uphill struggle.

If he were to be better might you wish to stay? If so, you could talk with him about the need for him to get help for his depression and explain that if he does not you are clear that you do not wish to carry on the relationship as things stand.

If, better or not, you do not wish to continue with this, then you need to begin sorting it all out.

Whichever way this goes I send you good wishes and wish you luck.

It is a sad situation, however no body can help how they feel.
He has been honest about his feelings in that he does not love you, I am sure it would be easier for him if he did.

There is nothing to work on unless you can live together separately in harmony, difficult but possible.

You need a plan as to living together or apart, once that is sorted you can plan a life for yourself.

I understand this must be very sad for you, try not to become angry and bitter, remember we cannot control who we love.

If he is clinically depressed then this needs addressing - you do not feel love for anything or anybody when you are in this state. It is utterly miserable.

Do you feel any love for him?