Caught between 2 sisters - any advice?

Ah sorry I also missed the bit about definitely not being able to get mother out of the house.

Sorry to say it, but this is actually a Human Right's issue and there must be help out there via the correct channels.

Here's a link about Human Rights www.equalityhumanrights.com/en/human-rights-act/article-8-respect-your-private-and-family-life
It doesn't specifically have guidance on your individual situation, but hopefully it's a bit of help. I also wonder whether a charity such as Age Concern can be of help?

Sorry to say this was a disaster waiting to happen.

If your mother's plan is living with her youngest daughtet the rest of her life, her health is supposed to decline eventually.

Your mother is picking a side in the fight of the two sisters by choosing to live with the youngest.

It is not reasonable to expect this long term conflict to disappear just because of age and health status

Your updates puts a different complexion on things. I am going to do a u turn here and say that as it is partly your mum's house and she wants to see her, then of course her daughter should be allowed to visit. However if your other sister won't budge, then I don't know what else you can do. I'm really sorry for your mum here.

Coercive control is a crime btw...

I'm guessing you aren't able to take her out of the house in a wheelchair for a stroll in the park on a nice day? If it was a short walk, you could "accidentally" bump into your other sister...

Well said.

So sorry to hear this Seastar. Money isn’t the issue with my problem but I suspect the outcome will be as intractable as yours. Never thought this would happen to us but then we never do until it explodes.

Thank you - I’ve looked at that too!

No, the rift had not taken place when she moved in with YS. She was still striding across the golf course at that juncture, no problems.
Unfortunately my house is too small and totally unsuitable for a disabled person and also unsuitable for adaptation - I’ve been down that road.

The original fall out didn’t involve Mother. The two sisters weren’t interested in sorting things out between them. And sorry to disagree with you but as a member of the family of course I would try to adjudicate in a non judgemental way. That’s what reasonable people do if their loved ones are going through a bad time. Mother is 92 and she’s dying. She makes no demands on anyone but she wants to see both of her daughters who she loves equally so I find you comment about the elderly demanding their own way out of order. This forum is for support, not apportioning blame.

The house belongs jointly to mother and younger sister.
Mother is too ill and also virtually immobile, impossible to get her out of the house.

Thanks to everyone for your advice. Mother moved in with younger sister prior to the estrangement and has put a lot of money into the house so it is partly hers. More importantly it’s her home and my feeling is that she should be allowed to see who she wants in her own home at when approaching the end of her life. Despite all that’s happened I love both of my sisters and have told them I will not take sides, that this is not about their corrosive relationship, ( they will never reconcile) it’s about mother. As it is my support of other sister to visit is being viewed as emotional blackmail. Seems no way to resolve this but thank you all so much for your supportive comments and suggestions, it’s a relief just to be able to talk about it.

You don't have a say in who your sister allows into her house. Maybe you could take your tablet / laptop and engineer a FB / Zoom / Skype meeting with the other sister, though.

This is now known as 'Elder Abuse'. Coersive control springs to mind too.

The sister should go out for an hour so the other sister can visit, as her poor mother obviously does not have long on this earth. This sister's conduct is cruel. The most important person is your mother.

I agree Fuchsiarose, it doesn't matter what the argument was about or when, its abuse and needs outside help to protect the mother.

It's irrelevant as to the issues that started the row. The plain and simple truth is that its emotional abuse of an elderly lady to assume that as a daughter we would have the right to prevent the elderly mother from seeing her adult offspring before she passes. Which she surely wrll, as we all do. The elderly mothers gp needs to be informed, so that a meeting takes place with the sisters regarding the mothers rights in all this. There are ways around it.

GoldenAge

Younger sister's home yes - but younger sister doesn't have the right to say - which effectively she is doing - that your other sister can never see her mother again, and vice versa. Imagine your mother dying without being able to say goodbye to one of her children who wants to see her - clearly there was something major between your two sisters but whatever it was your mother's wishes should be the more important concern so she should be asked.

While I agree that the mother should be able to see her daughter...

Younger sister does have a right to say who is allowed in her house.

Mother’s wishes/sisters wishes are not more important than younger sisters and vice versa.

Which is why if possible, mother should be removed from the home for a visit.

I also was caught between two sisters, The eldest and the youngest had a dispute many years ago. It was to do with the fear that the youngest may get more from mum's estate as they spent a lot of time together. Mum has been dead now for over thirty years and the sisters still do not speak. I am in touch with both of them, but nothing can be done to bring them together, even though it was mum's dying wish.

This is why I sympathise with Traviata.

Tell the sister who owns the house that if Mahomet can't come to the mountain, then the mountain must go to Mahomet. Obviously discuss it with your mother first, but you could take her out to meet the other sister. Wrap her up warmly, maybe hire a suitable vehicle to use, and take her out. That might make the home owner think again.

Traviata we could do with knowing what Mum's opinion is about this issue?

With no response from the OP, I am disinclined to write too much, but would be suggestion outside mediation between the two warring sisters, or asking the houseowner how she would feel if the situation was reversed and she was being denied the chance of visiting your mother if mother was living with the other sister.

Of course, we don't know if mother has voiced an opinion as to whether or not she wants to see the older sister.

Chewbacca

^Is it possible for you to take your mother out for an hour?^

Traviata says in her OP:
she’s virtually immobile and fully dependent for all daily activities. She’s recently been very ill
^(she’s 92)^

'Virtually immobile' doesn't mean completely house-bound.

Hello Traviata
I sympathise with the challenges that you & all your family are going through.
About your mother, this sounds to me like a serious safeguarding issue. Your elderly & infirm mother is a vulnerable adult. Her need & right to see her other daughter is not being met.
Please approach the appropriate professionals; they will help advise about or facilitate your mother's visits with her other daughter.
It is a form of abuse to deny your mother this.
I believe this is something you would've done for your own patients, but you're too personally vested in this & as such objectivity becomes compromised.
It's ok for you to seek & accept the help & advice that you've given others all these years
Best wishes

If your mother is keen to see the other sister, maybe it could be arranged at a time when the sister who owns the house is out and you are there doing the caring. That way the sisters don’t have to speak to each other. Considering your Mother maybe hasn’t much time left hopefully your sister can be compassionate and allow a visit to go ahead. Good luck

Dear Traviata, All that matters is that ur Mum is able to see her other Daughter. Your Mum has earned that right & notvto make it happen-someway, somehow, amounts to cruelty. Could she be taken in a wheelchair to e.g. a nearby cafe for a short meetup-even every couple of weeks or could the garden be used for meeting. If not-& i know its extreme-get social services involved. They cd act as neutral participants in trying to give your Mum happiness, in spite of this bitter sisters feud. I do feel in agreement with other people that the younger daughter has the right to say who can come in her house. She doesnt, however, have the right to decide what ur Mum can & cannot do & if it comes to it maybe the daughter who wants to see jer Mum could obtain a legal Visitation order. It wdnt help eith making family harmony but, would achieve making them able to meet. Im sorry for the situation ur in. Kind regards