Cutting the apron strings

Letting go is very hard, but I hope you can handle it

These changes would probably have been easier to cope with if they had happened at the end of a normal year and not after months and months of lockdown.

I think it is quite natural to feel as you do, and nothing wrong with it, as you don't seem to be trying to change your children's minds.

At our age, I think we would do well to consider that our role in the family has changed. We have at long last the opportunity to be independent again. Something most of us haven't had since the day our first child was born.

Sit down and think positively about what you will do with all this lovely time.

Learn French? So you can converse with your son's in-laws if you go to visit.

Travel?

Take up the hobby you never have had time for?

Right your memoirs for your children and grandchildren to read at some later date?

Join a charitable organization, a political party, or a grass-roots group to make the world a better place (?) and meet new friends?

The rest of your life is waiting for you, you know. Enjoy it!

At some point they have to learn to cope - their parents won't always be around and it's better that they can stand on their own feet gradually rather than it being a sudden shock.

It is hard letting go, though. Give advice if asked, offer help if appropriate but, most of all, take an interest in what they're doing and be encouraging and enthusiastic. Then they'll want to share their lives with you, albeit from a distance.

M0nica is completely correct and there is little to add to the point.

letting your middle aged children go I could understand your post if you were talking about 18/20 year olds but letting middle aged children go sounds as if you have been over involved for a long time so yes it will seem very difficult for you now

I left my home for the Far East when I was 20 it must have been a shock to Mum and Dad (I was a lonely only) no one travelled much in those days I did come back but not to my home town until I was much much older all my kids left home and moved away between 18 and 28 to various parts of the world ( New Zealand is the furthest) My grown grandkids seem to have travelling in their blood too
Surely this is part of parenting teaching children to live an independent life

*I love my kids so much and miss them everyday even when they are near.
Does this seem abnormal?*
nannylane I love my children too much to expect them to stay near me I m glad you are considering counselling

“Come to the edge” the mother bird said, “come to the edge” …they came…..she pushed and they flew

I am going through similar situation, although my two adults kids are near and one farther away (plane ride to get there).
I don't think I ever really separated from them, as I see other parents do. I watch my adult daughters child a lot. Help my son when needed and take his child. Talk and ft my other daughter. But, I make myself too available, I believe. It is like a built my life always around them. I am starting to face this, as I am pushing 70 and need to live whatever life I have. It is just that, I don't have anyone to do things with. No husband etc. Most of my friends are with a partner or live farther away or still working. I know, I will need to make a life for myself without cutting any of them off. I just need to stop changing my plans to fit their needs.
I am have feelings of loss and thinking about seeking a counselor to teach me how to separate and be happy.
I love my kids so much and miss them everyday even that they are near.
Does this seem abnormal?

Totally agree with M0nica We brought up our kids to be independent and now have DD in Thailand and DS in USA, all making the most of life with no regrets all round. And great holidays when Covid subsides! I can never get my head round people who wail about their DC moving even a few miles away. Your DC have their lives to lead. We have ours and it shouldn’t be dependent on them.

I realised that DD was truly adult when she married and used her husband as a sounding board rather than me. I missed the role but was delighted she had found the right person. She still runs some things past me so I am not so much redundant as just one of the people she talks to.

As Monica so rightly says, we have a collection of personas which change and evolve over time. I have evolved into DH’s carer, which I wouldn’t have chosen but it is not the total of who I am.

I think too many women only see themselves through their domestic roles.

Luckygirl wrote All my children have flown the nest, my OH died this year and my role as regular carer to my GC has stopped because of the virus. What is the point of me?

There surely has been much more to you than just that one family role. I have many other roles. I am involved in a research project, I was out today to visit someone who was giving the archaeological society I am a longtime member a whole set of documents relating to our early history, I have a role there, I belong to other societies where I play an active part, I have friends old and new.

All these are aspects of myself and roles I have other than that of being, mother, grandmother and wife. if one role goes, another fills its space.

aquafish - this is a new phase of life and, just as we had to adapt to leaving school, starting a job, being a spouse, becoming a mother etc. etc., we have to adapt to this.

All my children have flown the nest, my OH died this year and my role as regular carer to my GC has stopped because of the virus. What is the point of me? What is my role? These are the questions that I and many others are forced to ask themselves.

My answer, in the absence of anything more positive yet, is that my role is to not make my family have to worry about me. To grit the teeth and carry on; to smile and encourage them to enjoy their lives. You can help them do that by developing a new life for yourself so that they can see that you are not emotionally dependent on them.

I am hoping that something a bit more positive will come along as time goes by and we all adapt to a covid life, because that is not going away anytime soon.

Sorry - Fuchsiarose.

Fuchsiroae - 'failure to launch syndrome'!

Aquafish - your feeling are very understandable. You'll feel better when you can get back to your normal busy life. In fact, we all will!

Your very lucky. Mine has failure to launch syndrome and we worry about how her life will be when we die. I wish I had an independent happy adult kid.

I was the opposite. My adult daughter had the chance to move to Canada for work. Was an amazing opportunity (not necessarily permanent) Except she didn't want to go! She couldn't bear the thought of leaving us here! I told her to 'go' make the most of it. I would have missed her dreadfully but I wished I had had the same opportunity when I was younger. She didn't go but that was her choice.

Personally, I would put on a brave face, accept France is totally accessible (well in 'normal' times) Skype and such like make it easier and actually is no further than moving from the north of Scotland to England (which is what I did)

The plus side is you have a fabulous place to go on holidays.

The aim of every parent should be to bring up children to be independent and fly the nest as soon as they can. They should also bring themselves up to be prepared to cut the strings and let them fly as soon as possible.

Once mine went to university, while we were there as a back up as they fledged their wings, all we ever did was stroke their ruffled feathers and threw them out the window again.

The result is free independent children, DS and family live 200 miles away. We are in regular contact and when households were able to meet, the first thing they did was come down south to spend a week with us.

You keep your children by letting them go free.

"Our children are only on loan to us." Says it all really.

We have our children and bring them up to be responsible independent decent human beings, then our job is done.
If we end up still having a close relationship with them after they leave home great. Our adult children live many miles away but because of technology we still are in touch with them regularly and visit each other.

The other way around here, I moved to France to get away from them ( only joking)

It's good to know our families are getting on with their lives and feel they can be independent of their parents, we have then done our job well. Time to make a life for yourself now aquafish so much to enjoy out there when the Covid situation is easier of course. Good idea from JackyB about learning French.

I did it to my parents. I have lived abroad since I was 19. As far as I know, they were proud of my and my sister's achievements. They brought us up to live our own lives. My children, too, now live a long way away, although the young family who were in the USA for 5 years have now returned.

It seems normal to me.

Loads of Gransnetters have families distributed all over the globe.

When your son married a French girl, surely you were aware that their moving abroad could be on the books.

You don't mention if your husband is still with you.

It is an unfortunate coincidence that both your children are moving further away at the same time. Make definite arrangements to skype/facetime and use all possible means to keep in touch.

Use your newly won spare time to improve your French, as the DGD will be speaking more French now, and, hopefully, you will be able to visit them at some point.

To keep up their English, however, you ought to only ever speak English when you are talking to them, and supply them with books, comics etc by post. (check with the parents what to send)

HTH.

Our DS lives in Australia Calendargirl and we miss him terribly.

There's nothing wrong about feeling anxious aquafish that will cease I'm sure when you know they are happy and settled.
DS loves his life and we are so proud of what he's managed to achieve; just wish it could have been a little closer to home.

Thanks a lot to everyone for those pearls of wisdom, just what I needed to wake up & smell the coffee before it’s too late. It’s not all about me as ^grandmabatty ^points out, but their precious future. Thanks for pointing me in the right direction- keep ‘em coming girls!

This reads more about you and your perceived loss than about the exciting next stage in your adult children's lives. Don't try to 'influence' them but enjoy any time spent with them. Their lives,, their choices. I don't mean this unkindly but you need to live more for you.

My Mum used to quote a phrase; "Hold someone back and lose then forever"!

Their lives ! Keep yourself occupied. Time will heal.