Being bullied by close family - how did you put a stop to it?

Ramblingrose if she doesn't like to be told she is angry despite you thinking she is, might be better to say something a bit less inflamitary...

People don't like being told how they feel, it makes it worse.

Some people would tell you that I come across hurt when I am angry and angry when I am hurt. The ones who know me well lol

Honestly I would suggest just listening until the steam runs out and then if you don't know what to say, ask to go away and think about it.

Active listening and validating that people feel the way they do, even if you don't agree they should feel that way, often calms things down.

Thanks to those who have replied so far.

The bully I am thinking of gets hysterical and uses threats and intimidation. She is neurotic and a control freak and will do anything to get her own way.

She does this because it works with a lot of people. They find her manner so frightening and unpleasant that they give in to her just to end the conversation.

We have tried telling her to calm down and she shouts back through gritted teeth "I am calm" so that gets us nowhere! Perhaps a better tactic would have be to say "I can't have a conversation with you when you are so worked up. You need some time to calm down. I will go now and speak to you when you are calmer."

A more assertive version of this would be "You are shouting at me and are hysterical. I will not listen to people who shout at me. If you want to speak to me, speak calmly and I will listen to what you have to say."

I will keep an eye on this thread in case someone has a way that worked for them.

Totally agree with Hithere.

My husband and I used to joke that my mum was poisoning me because I was ill every time I saw her and occasionally other times.

I went to the doctor and had IBS. I still get it at times but not anywhere near the way I used to.

Its not just an emotional toll it takes, bullying and abuse has physical consequences too that we often aren't aware of as connected to the issue. Anxiety, stress and depression all have mental and physical symptoms.

Sometimes that's just not a toll worth paying if you are dealing with a person who just hurts you because they enjoy it rather than something else they have going on they struggle to control.

It's very difficult, as Nams has said - leopards don't change their spots. My dear late husband noticed that I always seemed upset after visiting my parents - due to a controlling and bullying father. DH arranged for us to move house so that we were at a distance to get us away from the situation.

The best thing is to try not to give a bully ammunition - easier said than done. My dad loved to argue. The worst thing (for him) was saying that you had no strong feelings "for it or agin it" then he had nothing to fight against. A practiced bully has a way of getting under your skin and they're simply doing it for entertainment value. After upsetting people they walk away unscathed as it's just a game to them.

OTOH you could give as good as you get and watch them squirm if you're really cruel - but you're not are you? They know that basically you're too decent to behave like that.

Yes agree, kind of like if someone threatens to beat you with a stick, no good fighting back as it runs the risk of you getting hurt too.

The sane answer is to take the stick away. Meaning either low or no contact.

If the bully realizes he/she needs help and changes, there could be hope.

Otherwise, you stand up for yourself and remove yourself from the bully's presence. If it means they don't want to change, too bad they choose not to have a relationship with you.

Starblaze,I could have written your post.I spent years using all the tactics you used in trying to keep a relationship going with my elder brother and sister in law and in the end decided the only way forward was to stop seeing them.

There was no drama,we just stopped seeing them about six years ago.Almost immediately I felt like a burden had lifted.

My sister in law was the main culprit and has alienated many people but my brother enables her bad behaviour.Sad but my whole little family feels better without them in our lives.

No, sorry. Maybe there is something I didn't try...

I kept all interactions positive.

I tried not giving any personal information that could be used against me.

I tried explaining if something hurt me calmly and kindly whilst emphasising that they were important to me and I wanted a good relationship

I tried all the forgiveness and letting go

I tried having less contact

I generally made a huge effort to be a great daughter/sister

All for YEARS

It got worse not better and if someone is a genuine bully and enjoys hurting you, I don't think anything stops it unless you do

Sorry to be negative but my answer would be a big fat NO.
I think the saying leopards dont change their spots is true where bullies (family or otherwise) are concerned.
My experience anyway!