Why are so many elderly abandoned by grown up children.

* HolyHannah most parents are abandoned because of them. Really?
The people I know who are "abandoned" are good parents. Is it too much to think the children you love and care for might want to visit you*

Unless you are their child, you actually have no idea what kind of parents they are. You see what they want you to see.

Sparkling - none so blind as those who will not see! When I married at twenty-six my mil a widow seventy-four, her sisters, living nearby, eighty-three and sixty-eight. My husband, the only child between them. The next thirty-eight years shared with these loving caring people, including my mother and husband, until their death. Not because I had to, but because I loved them enough to want to care for them. Oh, and before the old chestnut of not having time, while working and raising a family of my own who now care for me. Learning by example the best method of showing a child what is important in life.

When my parents married my father gained three for the price of one. My mother and her two younger orphaned sisters who my father supported financially and provided a home.

No falling out, just indifference

The OPs original comment makes it clear that this was not referring to estrangement!

Busy lives, busy people ...I think it is easy for ACs to take their parents for granted, "they'll be there tomorrow...or the next day ...etc etc" ...and think they'll get in touch then when they have more time etc. Its not that they dont get on, dont care, just that other "stuff" gets in the way and are prioritised ...as "the parents will always be there etc etc" Ofcourse, eventually they wont be, but that doesn't necessarily dawn until it happens!

Don’t have time to read the whole thread. When my Granny came to live with my Aunt she started telling everyone that she hadn’t seen or spoken to anyone for weeks. Eventually, causing a big row, she came to live with us in a three bedroom, one living room flat. Mum, Dad, four children and a constant stream of visitors. A few days later my Mum overheard my Granny telling my cousin that she hadn’t seen anyone for weeks.

Yes GG I think you're right about mellowing with old age. She used to drive me mad but I realised she was that way with everyone and it wasn't worth taking it personally.

Mr. A. sounds just like Mr. S. janeainsworth he's been looking at narrow boats too. We have a holiday lodge so he was wondering about selling the house and living between a motor home, narrow boat and the lodge. Male menopause perhaps!!

Of course if we wanted to 'persuade' or DS back from Aus. a narrow boat would probably do the trick as his dream is to own one.

I have to say a narrow boat does appeal but where on earth would I put all of our 'stuff'?

We were originally going to get a camper van but there was a problem getting a part for it so that put us off. TBH the motor home is a lot more practical as there's more room inside. Ours is a 2 berth and plenty big enough with the awning for us and our 2 dogs.

I'm sure that has a lot to do with it Madgran which is a shame because none of us know what tomorrow may bring.

GG65 We are talking about children not visiting parents.
Jen said rhat people who aren't busy start to feel neglected. As if they are being needy. I resent that.

I don't think anyone should underestimate the time pressures of both parents working, having young children & parents living the other side of the country (let alone abroad).
My children are now scattered across the country & we all keep in touch via what's app, face time etc & they visit it us & we visit them when we can.
Personally I would not want to feel that they only visited me due to a sense of duty or obligation.

The advances in technology may also have a part to play. I find that I speak with people less these days and would normally send a text or message, where 20 years ago you would have no option but to lift the telephone or visit.
I do think that family need to choose to engage and visit, but I can see where the more convenient methods of communication we have at our fingertips nowadays may leave some older people feeling alienated.

where 20 years ago you would have no option but to lift the telephone or visit.

We wrote letters years ago; I wrote to my parents once a week (or tried to) and my mother wrote to me very regularly.
They didn't have a phone until we DC all paid for one to be installed so we could keep in touch more easily.
It was too far to visit regularly.

Of course if we wanted to 'persuade' or DS back from Aus. a narrow boat would probably do the trick as his dream is to own one.

It's not possible to do this at the moment but you could become Grey Nomads and travel round Australia, Smileless, keeping a little pied-à-terre somewhere. ?

Callistemom- I remember enjoying receiving letters in the post, I honestly couldn’t tell you the last time someone wrote me (or I wrote them) a letter. Now all I get is those horrible brown ones with bills inside ?

It’s sad that letter writing has become a bit of a lost art, a nicely written letter was something I’d hang on to as a wee keepsake - texts don’t feel quite as warm!

I'm not sure if I kept any unfortunately.

Clearing out has its drawbacks.

Grey Nomads yes I rather like the sound of that Callistemon, sounds rather romantic. I wonder what our DS will make of it.

If it was me I wouldn’t want contact with someone who called me names.

Our children have so much more to deal with than we did. Communication is two ways and encouragement and support will always get a better response than criticism

GG65, perhpas you thought I was writing about abuse of power.

I have received handwritten letters from four of my grandchildren (two different families) during lockdown. The lovely thing is that they weren’t dutiful replies to letters I sent them - I’ve been keeping in touch via WhatsApp and Zoom - they came quite out of the blue. I replied to each of them of course.

Summerlove -- "HolyHannah most parents are abandoned because of them. Really?

The people I know who are "abandoned" are good parents. Is it too much to think the children you love and care for might want to visit you

Unless you are their child, you actually have no idea what kind of parents they are. You see what they want you to see.

I'm not entirely sure what you meant with that. The first part I understood and I believe to be true. Most parents who find themselves estranged probably are estranged for "good reasons" given how they 'talk' here/their attitude and overall behavioral patterns in general.

"The people I know who are "abandoned" are good parents." -- Are You their child/children? So You 'say' they were "good parents" from your POV. Nope. Your 'Point Of View' is NOT their child(rens) POV. You are judging their "good" parenting on how YOU think "good parenting" looks or what you think/believe are 'normal' parenting practices.

Which is exactly how the abuser/enabling cycle continues.

"Unless you are their child, you actually have no idea what kind of parents they are. You see what they want you to see." and I cannot agree more with that. So why are you declaring someone a "good parent" when You are not their child and when you admit, to paraphrase -- "No one knows what kind of a 'parent' someone IS other then their child(ren)."? Which has always been my point.

Just pointing out again that this thread was not about estrangement!!

Madgran

So why are you declaring someone a "good parent" when You are not their child

Perhaps for the same reasons that some posters declare that someone is a bad parent, who deserves the way they are being treated by their AC even though they are not their child.

Holyhannah most EAC here are quite sensible. We know a lot about what causes estrangement or low contact like mentioned in this thread from our perspective. Recently when someone talked of terrible adult children in estrangement, of course it was obvious to us that AC should be estranged. It turned out to be a fake situation that gransnet removed but there we have it.

I absolutely know that not all adult children are perfect and blameless. We might wonder what happened to make them that way and greater minds than mine say that childhood plays its part in that. Not everything bad that happens to children is the fault of parents but often it is a member of the family.

There's a lot society is changing and needed to change when it comes to parenting and what used to be "normal". There is a lot of study about being a parent but not controlling, not too protecting, not being best friends and too enmeshed so I hope the situation overall gets better rather than worse.

Maybe they just don’t like them?
You don’t have to have any ‘major falling out’ sometimes children just grow up & realise they have absolutely nothing in common with their parents so keep their distance.
I’d rather my children stay away if that’s how they felt rather than visit me out of duty.

not sure what to make of your post Starblaze. Most parents having problems with their AC are quite sensible too.

As for a thread being about a "terrible adult child in estrangement" turning out to be fake so so being deleted by GN, I don't remember that.

Of course it would be wrong to assume or even suggest that the posts we see here on GN about "terrible adult children in estrangement" are untrue, just as it would be wrong to assume or even suggest that the posts we see from EAC aren't true.

Grey Nomads yes I rather like the sound of that Callistemon, sounds rather romantic. I wonder what our DS will make of it .

I expect he will have heard of them, they are a huge tribe!

HolyHannah

Summerlove -- "HolyHannah most parents are abandoned because of them. Really?

The people I know who are "abandoned" are good parents. Is it too much to think the children you love and care for might want to visit you

Unless you are their child, you actually have no idea what kind of parents they are. You see what they want you to see.

I'm not entirely sure what you meant with that. The first part I understood and I believe to be true. Most parents who find themselves estranged probably are estranged for "good reasons" given how they 'talk' here/their attitude and overall behavioral patterns in general.

"The people I know who are "abandoned" are good parents." -- Are You their child/children? So You 'say' they were "good parents" from your POV. Nope. Your 'Point Of View' is NOT their child(rens) POV. You are judging their "good" parenting on how YOU think "good parenting" looks or what you think/believe are 'normal' parenting practices.

Which is exactly how the abuser/enabling cycle continues.

"Unless you are their child, you actually have no idea what kind of parents they are. You see what they want you to see." and I cannot agree more with that. So why are you declaring someone a "good parent" when You are not their child and when you admit, to paraphrase -- "No one knows what kind of a 'parent' someone IS other then their child(ren)."? Which has always been my point.

It was a quote fail quoting Annep

She stated that anyone she knew who had been abandoned was a good parent.