Why are so many elderly abandoned by grown up children.

I am trying to find a relevant poem to link to it, but failing. Someone else may know it. It starts,

"Speak not of duty, love always gives its best.
A deed called mere duty will seldom stand the test."

Mr Google hasn't heard of it.

annep1

^Sometimes parents are the victims. Why is that so hard for some to accept^ ? I agree Smileless
There are too many angry "children " who are making generalisations from their own bad experience. But the fact remains there are children who neglect good caring parents.

There are only so many hours in a day.

When you are working full time, with a young family, what do you suggest?

Most families will (quite rightly) prioritise their children’s needs over the wants of their “elderly” parents.

Late 60s is not elderly.

Nor is it “neglect” when you are unable to visit your parent as often as they would like.

There's 2 types of bad people and you see them everywhere.

Overt and covert.

Overts, generally most people can see they are bad (except the people like them and the covert people like them) because they are just open about who they are and treat anyone they see as less than them badly.
Overt and easy to avoid.

Coverts are the problem. People say, that person was mean to me! Others say, but he/she is lovely and always nice to me. That's what coverts want though, to be mean to some because they enjoy it and still be wonderful, and perfect in the eyes of others.

Coverts are the ones that do the most damage everywhere and have the backing of others to keep their victims in line.

One example:

Overt racism, people are happy for others to know they are racist. Easy to avoid and stay away from.

Covert racism. Declaring "I'm not racist" while quietly doing little micro aggressions designed to make people feel bad about themselves, quietly not giving people jobs or giving bad grades or turning them down as tenants without anyone having a clue and when their victims try to point it out, they cannot prove it, they can only know it is the truth.

Now imagine parents like that...

For every obviously bad parent out there, there are many who look wonderful from an outside view but treat their children terribly and lie saying "I'm not a bad parent".

janeainsworth

Yes Meryl and in their late 60s this old couple took their boat 6000 miles round the waterways of the eastern United States causing their AC some concern at times

Don't you and the Streeps feel any duty of care towards your grownup children, worrying them like that by gallivanting round the high seas?
⛵⛵?
How very dare you at your advanced ages!

I haven't said this thread is about estrangement GG and until this post, haven't referred to it. Nor have I said it is neglect not to visit parents as often as they would like.

Been there with my m.i.l. who would say it had been such a long time since she'd seen our boys, she'd forgotten what they looked like!!

It is sometimes a mixture of love and duty IMO Elegran I had a very difficult relationship with my m.i.l. for several years and would see her more out of duty as her son's wife than from love.

That changed some years ago I'm pleased to say and we are now very close. She was a very difficult and demanding mother, mi.l. and GM but that didn't stop us from having regular contact.

For every obviously bad parent out there, there are many who look wonderful from an outside view but treat their children terribly and lie saying "I'm not a bad parent".

That goes for some AC too. It's applicable to our youngest son but I don't judge all EAC based on his behaviour and see no reason for an EAC to judge all EP's, neglected or abandoned parents on their's.

Callistemon the other day DS FaceTimed to express his and DiL’s deep concern that MrA has booked us a space at a campsite in Buttermere for 3 nights at the end of September ?
Our tent hasn’t been used for 15 years & he has already put it up in the garden to practise his skills

Mr. S. did the same thing last week janeainsworth. We've just purchased a motor home (he's collecting it as I type) and bought an inflatable drive away awning which he inflated a few days ago.

Our DS in Aus. also expressed his concerns as it's years since we had a touring caravan, we're going away in it for the first time mid September and DS is wondering if we'll be able to cope!!!

Having watched endless videos about how everything in the motor home works and having successfully inflated the awning, we've assured him we'll be fine.

We used to visit a widowed friend of DH’s parents who was always delighted to see us and very good to our children. When I commented on how cheerful she seemed to be she said “well, nobody wants to visit a miserable old woman”. Excellent advice which I bear in mind when speaking to AC.

We used to visit a widowed friend of DH’s parents who was always delighted to see us and very good to our children. When I observed that she always seemed to be cheerful even though life wasn’t easy she said, “Well, nobody wants to visit w miserable old woman”. I bear this in mind when talking to our AC because I don’t want them to dread picking up the phone to us.

Sorry - lost the first post so repeated myself.

Some annoying comments which I will address later as my OH's son is coming for lunch in the garden. He's come 250 miles! My son is 40 miles away. Oh well....he's apparently a better parent than I am.

What that's so sweet GrannySomerset

I try not to burden my Children with problems, I have close friends for that..

@Smileless2012

You mentioned “EAC” in the post I quoted, which I thought meant “Estranged Adult Child”?

I didn’t say you said it is neglect not to visit parents as often as they would like

The situation you describe with you and your MIL is very similar to my own mum and her MIL. They became very close after a difficult relationship spanning many, many years. I think some people mellow with age.

But many don’t!

These topics tend to get a bit emotive but we can all only answer from our own perspective.

I would never say all abandoned or neglected parents are bad parents because I don't think that but some of them are and sadly it's more than anyone (me definitely included) really ever wants to believe.

So it's not always easy to say why there are so many and it is not really quantifiable to know if it's more than it used to be... Unless there is a study I don't know about. Generations grow older together so the numbers are going to always increase as we go through life and become aware of more situations. People are more in touch with the Internet so more information is available than there used to be and its a little less shameful to talk about these days

I am not a pensioner and still working so I am as busy as ever. I used to live quite a way from two of my AC and quite often went a couple of weeks without speaking to one of them, no falling out or ghosting just busy people! Now days I am called upon for a lot of child care duties so I don’t get these gaps in contact. I do think if people aren’t busy they are inclined to dwell on things and start feeling neglected!

Quick reply...I'm normally busy with my own life.. still (justifiably) feel neglected.

annep1

Quick reply...I'm normally busy with my own life.. still (justifiably) feel neglected.

Neglected by who?

Smileless enjoy your motorhome!
MrA alternately dreams about owning one and owning a narrowboat.
Is there a difference between a motor home and a campervan? We were wondering the other day.

BlueBelle, that is such an interesting story ,and I think it shows how old people are not all the same and have different interests from their offspring as if chat itself is some sort of treat for the old person.

Old persons often have really interesting thoughts that they deeply regret they cannot share with their sons or daughters.

So I think what is missing, besides physical care, is respect.

Traditional societies honoured and respected old people simply because they were old, and this was not only politically correct it was also carried through to the actual powers old people had as high ranking family members.

Alexa

BlueBelle, that is such an interesting story ,and I think it shows how old people are not all the same and have different interests from their offspring as if chat itself is some sort of treat for the old person.

Old persons often have really interesting thoughts that they deeply regret they cannot share with their sons or daughters.

So I think what is missing, besides physical care, is respect.

Traditional societies honoured and respected old people simply because they were old, and this was not only politically correct it was also carried through to the actual powers old people had as high ranking family members.

What kind of powers?

I still think, as others have said that some people are actually very needy. It may simply be that they never had anything they were particularly interested in outside their family - so need “entertaining”.

I know this is true of my elderly neighbour who “never saw anyone”, but who clearly had lots of visitors. She was usually miserable and tried to make you stay much longer than you really had time for... Another local (elderly man) told me once he did it entirely out of love for her long since deceased husband. He said “most people visit because of him - he was a lovely, kind and generous man”.

GG65, I mean the power to be listened to with sufficient respect that what the person wants without coercion actualt gets done if at all possible.

Empowerment from general expectation that intellect, skills, empathy, and knowledge don't necessarily disappear with old age and may increase.

actually

Not Spaghetti, a friend of mine now deceased, was exceedingly gregarious and felt her life was meaningless unless she was with others. She was poorly educated so had never learned how to entertain herself .She was however kind and generous to all her friends and acquaintances
.

Alexa

GG65, I mean the power to be listened to with sufficient respect that what the person wants without coercion actualt gets done if at all possible.

Empowerment from general expectation that intellect, skills, empathy, and knowledge don't necessarily disappear with old age and may increase.

I’m not sure I fully understand. It sounds very authoritarian. Could you perhaps give an example of something the individual may “want done”? And would that extend to making decisions on behalf of other family members?

Age didn’t diminish my grandma - at 92 she was as sharp, funny and intelligent as ever. Everyone treated her with love and respect; but she was incredibly loving and respectful. It wasn’t automatic on account of her age. She certainly didn’t have any “powers” within the family, nor any desire to wield them.