Husbands

Could he be depressed? That can happen after a stroke and changes kin personality. Would he see his GP?

Giving up the cigars is not a bad idea after a stroke but it would be more healthy for him if he carried on with his exercise. Is he feeling depressed after the stroke?
Must be worrying for you Gingster. Maybe have a word with his GP.

Probably depression, a sudden illness when you’ve been going along quite happily makes you feel vulnerable and start to think about mortality in a way you’ve never done before. I had something very similar, although not a stroke, there’s a daft logic something along the lines of ‘if I sit here all day, in my own familiar surroundings I’m safe and nothing bad will happen’.
My way out was counselling, CBT, Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, it was done online with Zoom as lockdown made me worse and I had to do something. It’s taken four months and was hard, but I hope I now have coping strategies and feel a million times better. Best of luck, it’s tough on you too, my husband was very supportive.

A stroke can completely change a person. Afraid you will have to give him time to adjust.

The husband of a friend of mine was super fit, cycled most days, out gardening etc. And they went away with their caravan regularly. Then he had a heart attack and subsequently heart problems. He rarely goes anywhere now and admitted he had lost confidence and wanted to be close to a clinic or hospital in case it happened again. Could it be that?

Strokes can leave you feeling totally exhausted most of the time and sometimes sitting in an armchair is all we can summon up the energy to do. I don't know why it happens but it absolutely does, that's without any depression etc he may have. I never suffered depression or lack of motivation but the exhaustion was a killer. He's also coming to terms with what happened and if like me there were no indications or known contributing factors it takes a lot to adjust to mentally.

Thankyou everyone. It’s always good to have others opinions, especially if you have experienced it personally. I think it is a type of depression and he is always tired. The lockdown hasn’t helped and he really misses going to football matches with his boys, so a mix of things, I think. ?

Under normal circumstances would he have been going for physiotherapy and rehabilitation?

He may be tired and rest is good to allow the body to recuperate but he should have been given a programme to follow to help him regain his strength if he's not able to attend any sessions.

Can your GP help?

My DH has not had a stroke but has various health issues. He spends hours in his armchair too. Apart from a bit of gardening occasionally he does not get any exercise. He never walks anywhere. I am not an exercise person but I often go out for a short walk, just to move a bit and get some fresh air, but he doesn’t. I am sure these husbands would be better with a bit of fresh air and gentle exercise.

Stroke can definitely change someone's personality though it could also be just fatigue following the stroke.

You cannot make him do anything he does not want to do, even if he is on a self destruct course. Do all you can of course, but know when you yourself have had enough, and step away. Live your life, meet your friends etc alone if he is rude. If he wants to join you that’s fine, but stipulate he must not be rude ... if he wants to go home and you don’t, just let him go. It may focus him if he realises you are at the end of your tether and not always running after him.... as nothing else is working for you .... good luck.

Maybe he's afraid of exerting himself in case it happens again. If he is now on blood thinners,( assuming the stroke was caused by a clot and not a bleed), he should be OK. Having nursed people with strokes, I know one of the things they complain about is constant fatigue. If you can afford it, I would pay for some private physio which may motivate him, even if he hasn't suffered paralysis.

I agree, it sounds like depression.

I would say that his stroke has brought him up sharp and made him realise his shortcomings.
This behaviour apparently is quite normal in stroke victims - he might be depressed or even frightened that if he moves from his spot, that he will be ill again.
Time to call in outside help, starting with his GP or Practice nurse and contact the Stroke Association to see what advice they can give.

Can’t you record his programme, so he doesn’t need an excuse to rush back from an outing?

Meeting are difficult at the moment, but you should get help from your local 'Headway' support group - go to www.headway.org.uk to find them - they are a support group for people with acquired head injuries, including strokes. They will give support, suggestions and understanding of his condition. Strokes often result in both depression and fatigue, and brain fatigue is difficult for an outsider to appreciate, this may be his main problem rather than depression.

My husband has had a stroke and a couple of TIAs and is very similar to yours . He sits and reads all day and watches TV in the evening. He gets tired very easily and it has changed him . He lost interest in his hobbies , even in watching sports , apart from reading . You have to accept he is not the same. Unfortunately our sons find this very hard to accept but I have pretty much come to terms with it . He is on medication for depression and has had cbt and we have organised some phone counselling for him . It’s almost a post traumatic stress that they have along with everything else after the shock of the stroke. Perhaps your husband would benefit from counselling or antidepressants from the gp ? As others have said you will have to live your own life arrange to meet friends etc

Could you rustle up the boys to find another activity apart from football? Or do they come and jostle him up a bit ? Sometimes a bit of rough and tumble from the boys is good therapy. My husband has an older friend in same position and my husband teases him and jokes about abducting him and all sorts and it really lights him up. He does sound a bit depressed but who wouldn’t be? Also fear of death might be lurking after a blow and better watch tv so the fear doesn’t bubble over. If you can it’s good to talk.

It depends how the stroke has affected him, if he has slurred speech and dribbling he would not want to embarrass himself, if he has loss of movement in limbs, it limits what he can do easily. Either way sitting in a chair all day is not good for him and you should encourage him in any way you can to exercise.

Unless he does his condition is only going to get worse, get whatever help you can to achieve this, the degree of recovery from a stroke in many cases is surprising. Regardless of that his care is a situation you have to cope with, so you have to be strong and accept that he has changed.

I had a stroke following a brain injury 17 years ago. Unlike your husband I was severely affected physically but you shouldn’t underestimate the invisible effects. A ‘slight’ stroke can still have a lasting effect on a person and 4 months is such a short time in terms of recovery. Neuro fatigue is very hard to cope with, there is some useful advice on the Headway website.

www.headway.org.uk/about-brain-injury/individuals/effects-of-brain-injury/fatigue/?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIm9mN1o-s6wIVh63tCh04uAi_EAAYASAAEgL8CPD_BwE

DH had severe stroke 8 years ago....took his left side....the exhaustion from a stroke is immeasurable. He slept mid morning, mid afternoon and all night. It’s so hard for the carer as it changes both your lives permanently. It will ease little by little, but compromise is the only road to go down for the moment, I’m afraid. Don’t forget to care for yourself, too! Feel free to message me anytime as I do fully understand how you feel.

Sadly, this is what strokes can do to people. I saw it in my father who lost all his zest for life, except when he saw my daughter. All these years later I’m sure this would now be diagnosed as depression.

I am in my 4th year post stroke. I'm 74 and live alone. It's because I have had to do things by myself I have about 85% of my faculties back now. If I had someone to wait on me hand and foot, I would not be as good as I am now. You must stop pandering to him. Let him do the things he can do himself. I would love to sit in my armchair all day, but can't. I have two dogs relying on me too. So I suggest you go out for a couple of days a week and let him get on with it. He will soon make the effort when he is hungry or thirsty. He will be amazed at what he can actually do.

nannypiano you are spot on.
Hope you stay well.